Every thought in my head is a song

That you created

Raising my awareness to make me hate it

You said hate was a strong word

But baby I made it

There's your friend on the couch

With the perfect smile and his sexy grin

The way he cornered me in the kitchen

And I thought about fucking him

Went to my room to touch myself

And blushed

His lips, his careless smile and the words

"You don't have to be shy with me"

Like that, I turn bright red

I want his dick in my mouth

I want his hands on my ass

Rubbing my pussy over his penis

I want to make you cum

I want to feel you get harder inside me

Your selfish breath, harder and faster still

You fuck me as I'm falling in love

And flip me over before I finish

There goes my heart again

A tight grin and unmet expectation

Your mouth on my neck, in my hair

I want to frame your face with my hands

I want to see the sadness in your smile

I want to suck your dick on the kitchen floor

As you tell me not to shake your hand with wet hands

I want you to push me into the corner of the room

And face fuck me as my hands greedily search for my clit

Yes daddy, I want to cum and jump on your dick

Wake you up with my pussy

And the images of us

Its starting to ache right now

You're just there

Waking up when I enter the room

I want to slide my hands over your chest

I want you to fuck me on vacation when your friends aren't looking

I want you to pull me into a dark room and use my pussy

To make you cum quickly again and again

Use me

Like strangers, I want you to walk up to me and

Pull my leg up, push me against the counter and enter my pussy

Without a word, fuck me because you know I like it

Get mad at me in the morning so you don't have to wife it

I want to suck your dick but it seems pointless

"Why are you acting all changed now?"

The echoes of a friend drizzle into my mind

I feel emotionless, a sex zombie picking up sexy boys

And eating them like cookies, just to wipe the crumbs from my

Mouth

I want to remember your eyes

Opening the door

Half closed from sleep, the quiet movements

And half smile

I want to kiss you like I love you

I want to be the person who reminds you you could be loved like that

When you don't love me back

Even if you do, I love that sort of self deprecating

Bullshit.

I create it

I want to climb onto the couch and for you not to say a word

Just my hand reaching into your gray sweats

Pulling out your dick stroking it as I try not to pant breathlessly

I want you to fuck me

I want to feel the head of your cock in my palm, rubbing it up and down

Til your eyebrows raise and your hands reach to touch my body

Climb on top and mount it

Let you put me under and fuck me hard and fast and quiet

I want to get sweaty like that with you

I want to fall asleep after

I want to hug your body

Though you're a stranger

I'm having visions of us running away together

I wonder what that'd feel like after I fuck you

Most just waiting for that first fuck then

Boot it.

Sex gets boring when you overthink it

I used to have to be drunk or stupid

Or high to even enjoy it

I remember being with my boyfriend and asking to stop

Feeling disgusted

I remember feeling like a coward

Feeling like I wasn't myself, suddenly pushing away

The face that I loved because sex is dishonest

When I lost my virginity, I didn't think much of it

Having read so many paperbacks and movies

I expected disappointment

Do you ever feel like

There's ten steps to intimacy

Like one false move can send you into panic

Like an eager mouth to suck your dick will quickly

Turn to trauma

I slow down and start thinking about all the people

Who've hurt me and try to recall how you'll act come morning

Will you love me?

Do I even want you to

Can't focus

Losing a vibe

Feeling sad and

Suddenly insecure

You reach out to touch my breasts and grip my ass

Pulling me into your lap

Momentarily you love me, you hold me like you want me

To believe in myself again, like

Maybe I'll feel better when we fuck

Like maybe we can bury it

You wrap a hand around my throat so I can't think

Feels stupid

I pull away, I want to think

I'm a waste of time, climbing into your arms

Like please just hold me here

Even if we can't stay

(forever, I want to melt into the couch

Squeeze my head between my hands

Turn on music that clears my mind

Positively panicking and waiting to die)

How can you constantly feel you want to give up

And try to love someone that way?

How can you love someone when you think of bodies

Like science and women like wombs

How can you share a life, be friends, be lovers

The more you get to know me, the more you would see

I don't believe in us

I don't believe in anything

Reality is dumb to me

And I hate things that I can't change

I'm negative when I'm sober if you really get to know me

I'm negative when I'm sober and I stopped drinking

When he lost me. I get high and I want to be alone

Because my thoughts tell me were meaningless

Maybe that's why I think about fucking more people at once

And my idea of romance has slowly faded into actions

Of infidelity, rage and selfishness

I hate people who are careless

I hate sex

I hate the system

I don't trust my own motives, I barely trust my own thoughts

Funneling all of my energy into success

Money minded, I'd rather be ugly and write books

In a small house with a boring husband and two cats

Then I could eat biscuits with jam and not give a fuck about it

I spent a lot of my life thinking like that

And I'm on a mission to disarm it

I'd rather risk my life ten thousand times in one year

Than live the rest of my life in torment

I have visions of myself being killed,

Visions that I like

I know this isn't a good example

I try to explain myself like a puzzle

So I don't tell people to kill themselves

I try to explain myself like diamonds

So I can inspire and fly past them

I want money

I want power

But I want your mouth too

My thoughts scare me and I feel small again

Your lips look soft, your face is beautiful

I fucked a girl with perfect breasts

I fucked a girl with a smelly pussy

I fucked a girl with no pressure

I slapped a girl's ass and fell asleep with chaste hands in her pockets

And was told I'm a rapist

I was raped

I was molested

And my mom lives in her room

I don't have the money to help her and it hurts me

I hate my family but I'm scared of them dying

Everything feels stupid

I told my dad that we don't love him

I told an old man to shut the fuck up

I like to tell people the worst about me

And see if they keep up

I'm a vacuum of mainstream bullshit

But I act like I'm still different

A vain, asshole artist

Acting like I'm special

I'm trying to promote the fucked up theories

So people will hate me and hate themselves too

I want to take the blame for everything I've learned

I hate this game

I hate this world

I want to be the reason you think differently

I want to be the reason you smile when you cum

I want to be the reason you wake up come morning

I want to be the reason school isn't so bad like before

I want to be the reason you can say no

I want to be the reason you can say yes

I'm a peaceful hippie in a faceless world

And this started out with me wanting to fuck

I feel like a stranger to my emotions again

Trying to reach into some nameless space

And pull out the right words, the right thoughts

As long as I feel that pull in my chest

I should keep typing

As long as I can breathe

I should keep fighting

Though you may never agree

I like to fuck

I like to eat

I like to learn

If I'm an animal then I will see myself that way

And try to rebuild a different form

Why fuck so often with so many STDs

In a city that accepts its rampant chaos

Why fuck with so many rapists

In a city that accepts its existence

I'm a charter school waiting to happen

I'm an idea you've already stolen

I'm the thoughts that you can't say

I'm a porn addicted maniac

And if I could start over, I would

I've had an abortion

I've starved myself

I've made myself throw up

I hated myself til I couldn't move anymore

I took out my failures on strangers

I blamed the world and labeled it justice

Hoping it inspires me to be greater

Hoping that through all these failures

Diving head first into the worst sides of me

I become someone else

I want you to kiss me

I want to walk into the kitchen and feel you turn me around

Your hands sliding around my body to hold me close

Your tall, slim stomach matching mine and your mouth

I want to grip the hair next to your ear and funnel a desperate

Feeling until I laugh, embarrassed trying to be normal again

Cause we can't fuck like that and we both know it

I'm reckless but I adore you

Irresponsible and stubborn

I want to turn this into a message to get your tests done

I want to turn this into a message about knowledge

But we don't even know the half of it

We're part of an ignorant crowd masked with ignorant thoughts

And it's not fair

Conspirators weave doubt

I

I

I

I keep talking about me

I am my only ride or die

I don't need you

I am holding a gun to your chest in my mind wondering why

I'm obsessed with you still, what did you say, what did you do

Obviously, you just couldn't imagine a friend who would do that

What friend were you to me

To excuse all of your discretion

The one who could not verbalize

I'm trying to think of your upbringing

Like why people like you and what you do to them

You told me you would never beg

And I begged for you on the living room floor

Like a mirror of my mother, who begged for sex from a man

She never admits to love, one thing I swore to never do

Just like I swore to never divorce

Or marry

I must have trusted you

And then for you to turn it around like I was the bad person

After two years

Two years of careless conversation and misused power

Your evil words behind my back when I could hear them

Like "I learned I don't appreciate things"

I want to know what made you like you were

What made me lose my thoughts

I want to know why I followed in the footsteps of lesser people

And know it's not connected to you at all

I can't imagine being happy with anyone that I knew

I don't know if you've felt like that

I feel more alone than ever

I never imagined making an enemy of my sister

I wonder if I'll really be the failure they all talk about

I can't wait to be mean

I can't wait to change

I hate that you told me to be angry

I hate the people I chose to love

I have violent images in my head towards you

And others

None that I would act on

But I don't think we should think like that

Because maybe I'd be somewhere now

If I didn't

Maybe I'd be able to love someone else

If I wouldn't

I need soft hands

And gentle eyes

A hypnotist to right my mind

I'm becoming wild and more desperate by the hour

Coming into cash and fame

With one ear and one eye on the ground

One eye to the sky

Attempting to inspire

With a failure of a life

I need your body, I can't stay grounded

I can't feel myself in the present moment

I taught myself to think this way

And I'm stuck slumped over a poem instead of there in your arms

Like I can't control the direction of my life when I know that I can

I want your body, I want your laugh, I want your thoughts

But I want money more.