1Sinking Fast and Swimming Downward.
"We parked beside a nameless street, you in your plain tshirt /And my too tight jeans, our lips sore from smiling, and by then, /I had gotten used to, afternoons with you in them, already familiar with /The smell of your air freshener and the lilt of your voice, how you smiled /Widely, and talked bluntly; I liked how you said everything so plainly /And asked you things I forgot to even care about; /Your little green car becoming familiar, /Your company something I craved, without realizing.
"You parked at the curb, the view just a few dirty houses and /Isolated trees, I kept gnawing on my lip and noticed the grass, /Too green for such an abandoned space, how we made stories /About the people who stopped there, the sky turning blue and then /Gray and then pink, My eyes falling to your wrists laid across your legs, and /I turned away, maybe reaching out to switch the tunes on your FM, /A tree's silhouette and the shadow of a stop sign /Lengthening, as the sky grew dark /And our soft murmuring shortened to a shared quiet.
"We sat in the shallow space of overplayed pop music and I grinned, /Thinking about how I would probably hear this song in a few years /And it would mean exactly what it meant to me now, how /I'd probably think of your smile /Usually, the air feeling so static, and we'd rattle on about dreams and school /Sometimes bigger things like who we loved and what we fought for, /Filling the car with enthusiastic chatter; I think /we meant to escape inside one another, when /We sat alone on park swings and drank coffee in the rain, but /I jumped in head first, too, the waves of you crashing in and all over me, emwithout realizing./em
"But that night, instead, we took the quiet and settled down with it /And I was more seduced by the idea that you asked nothing, /Your usual restlessness quieting /It was the first moment I really let myself decide /What you would mean to me. Faced with the flaws of a perfect night, /We were friends who were barely seen apart, we had been brought together /by failed romances and mutual boredom, with baggage on our backs, but /hope inside our hearts; /emWe very nearly happened on accident./em
"And I thought about how natural it was and forgot how you /Ended up clinging to my arm, your thin body shaking, /And our hands eventually intertwined; I asked /Why you were shaking; You said you were so happy /My voice sounding harsh and loud, cracking the tenderness /In the air and, I think I was maybe trying to talk myself out of it, /Though, you weren't the reason our fingers tangled in the first place. /And I remember that moment,
"How our arms had crossed and kissed at the wrists like a bow, /I gazed at the radio and the curve of your hand, Wondering /If it would have to be me, if I would do it /Knowing, it would and I probably should;
"The sky dark then, the numbers on the clock an alien green. /I could barely see your face, but I wasn't looking anyway /Maybe blushing, and we said nothing, even as you /Rested your cheek on my shoulder while I stared at the dash /And how your hands looked with mine /I had imagined that feeling, finally grasping it, your delicate fingers /And small palms, your skin ight and the elegant curve of your thumb, I noticed /Even in the dark, and I liked the urgency in which you pressed our palms /Like kissing faces and clung with the other, /How your shoulders bent and your body curved just to get closer to mine /(The waist and shoulders I would later fall in love with)
"But I wanted to know what your lips tasted like, /And this perfect night was fading span fast, despite what it would mean /And why it should happen, I didn't care, that night feeling so /Fine. And I wanted to kiss you more than I cared to be right.
"When we kissed, /I remember how soft your mouth seemed, I remember /The quiet around your body, like you were maybe shocked /Or unsure, I could imagine the pale red of your beautiful mouth, /The curve of your lips, soft as a peach, and it was almost instinct /To want that feeling again and again, over and over; /It was the most indescribable thing, /Those first few dry kisses, like a sampling /You became a drug, with my heart pounding /Like an addict who takes his first sip, I hadn't realized /It would happen /But by then it was too late, and I was kissing you with a passion /I had not realized you had made.
"The initial introduction of our mouths, how your tongue made small circles with mine /I was falling quickly into that feeling, sinking fast and swimming downward.
"My hand in your hair and heart on my sleeve. /When you were upon me, /I think I asked you to come over, like some casual thing, /And you fit across my body in a most uncasual way /I loved the warmth of you, and every kiss was more /Needy than the last, I loved the weight of you, how my breaths /Were mostly gasps. It was exciting and maybe a bit frightening /I had never wanted anyone in this way, not like this, and you were so present, /Your hands on my face and my chest /Your eager mouth, the way you kissed me so hard /your teeth pushed down on mine,
"How I smiled /And I remember, emoh love/em, the very second I fell for you, /When you pulled back and we looked at each other and grinned, /I framed your face with my hands /Combed your hair back /And felt that giddy feeling people like to write about;
"Those were my favorite moments, and I almost forgot them, /How you pulled away and your hair fell into your face, how /I was shocked and delighted and content all at once and /Your bottom lip was pouty and sex kissed, your smile /Easy, and the way your eyes wrinkled on both sides, It was then. /The moment I fell. Why I hadn't cared what was right, /Your smile became my undoing.
"From that moment on, I was the one spell bound by you, /Unraveled and pulled apart like strings at your feet, you pulled /Me between your fingers and untangled my misery, picked /Through my doubts and strummed me into a song /Singing your symphony.
"When the cop showed up and I noticed the foggy windows, /When you helped me panic and pull myself together, /How you listened to my rambling and, I remember your excited smile /Thinking that you had me, how I had to let you down, but /Honestly, after that night, I don't think I ever had a chance /When we ended up together and you took me to prom, it felt so natural /It felt like everything falling into place /Like kids who become best friends in a day, swinging and laughing and flying /And you told me you loved me too soon, but I love /How vulnerable you allow yourself to be, I love that you are/ Hopeless and more reckless with love than me/em /I love that you can admit when you're wrong, and how I can /Be honest with you about anything, I love that we can talk about it /And you try to understand it the way I see it, You're so fucking good to me.
"And every time we kissed, I fell further and further /Into love. That first date, "official" /When we lay horizontal on a couch and I kissed your neck, /How I walked you outside and our goodbye lasted an hour /You told me you wished that night could have lasted forever, and /I just thought about how /Our nights usually ended that way.
"The second time we met and I was turning red and shaking, /Talking span class="il"fast/span and nervous, that afternoon at the park and the /P arking lots we unrolled our clothes in; I remember /The night you told me you fell for me, I remember /How it got quiet then too, and I could almost feel what was happening /In the air, behind the lines, to the hunched boy /In the park swing opposite; But maybe could not accept it, /And talked about bears and train rides.
"How that night at the mall, the first time I thought about /Kissing you, and I didn't care what anyone thought when they saw us /How you reprimanded me on the dog we lost, /and drank samples of tea too quickly.
"Those afternoons on the hill, they are maybe my favorites too. /I always remember the yellow flowers I ripped apart and /Sprinkled on your jeans, the conversation with your dad, /When I pressed my ear to your ear and smiled along, /How it got us talking about things that mattered. /And I was more happy on prom night when /We were sitting alone on the couch, my legs crossed /Over your knees, feeling content and heavy lidded as /The hectic night turned to morning, just the two of us in jeans /And your plaid shirt, how we ran around drinking sodas and kissing. /But I'll always remember those moments on the couch, /And I guess it was really the feeling.
"Events are easy to describe, days, moments, /Where we went and what we did when we got there /But the thing I'm trying to express, ut it all down in a note, long letter, so you can read it /And really see me, at my most /Vulnerable,em because I know that's what you give me/em, And /that is the best part about falling in love with someone like you; /Your love asks for nothing, it is granted, not owed.
"and I love that you accept me for everything that I am, how /When you're with me, I feel honest /When we talked about having sex and the first time /I told you I loved you. I always remember /The ungaurded expression on your face /Is it trust? How you love so freely,
"We were laying on your bed with all our clothes on, the /Dull comforter and lumpy pillows, there are random posters /Spread across your white wall, an art project here and /Magic monster there, the skin on our backs has a thin layer of /Sweat and you're between my legs, Our jeans thick and in the way. /I hadn't thought I'd be ready this soon. /But, you pulled away, your mouth red and wet, the remnants of a scar /left on your ribs, Your gaze almost unnerving /Open as a skyline, /and I could jump in blindly and have your simple arms just catch me. /I knew I could trust you then, /I wanted to trust you with myself./
"I covered your eyes with my hands so I could say it.
"And you were the first for a lot of things, /Like telling you I loved you, how it took me time, and I got nervous again, /I lost the eath in my lungs, and /It's hard to say something right when you've never said it before in your life. /I love you. /I love you effortlessly. I love you for who you are and /What you will be. And I feel so lucky /I think this accident was the best thing that's ever happened in my life, /the greatest thing I've ever shared with another being, so thank you.
"I think about kissing your mouth and sex under starry skies, /And sometimes wonder why you picked me /We were thrown off two tall towers, stumbling toward the center /And we somehow found each other, weak kneed but still smiling, /em"Without you,/em /emI'd be miserable at best."/em /And you've given me so much, so much I haven't realized yet, /I hope I give you the same. /I love you, John Pham. You are my history and my present, /I ruv you like a rainbow loves color, like kitties love fishies, like piggies love the mud. /You are the most beautiful thing I've found so far, /And I want to remember everything, /I guess that's why I'm writing;
"It's your eighteenth birthday and I sometimes tried to explain /Just what you meant to me, but it never came out right /And this is the easiest way I can do it, so I hope it's special, /I hope it makes your day memorable: /My soul spelled out in poetry, and I'll sing you praises until I die. /We've worked through a lot, all the obstacles, friends /And drama and my screwy home life, do you remember /When I cried in front of you that first time? /It will be different going away. /I am scared to lose you, but more sad that I can't be with you/em /In person, I can't wake up early to grab a coffee before class or /A movie during br eak, we will maybe change and it will get harder;
"But you told me you believed in us, and it made me believe too.
"With every day that passes, /I become more and more hopeless like you, /falling in love with your grin. /You believe that we can make it work /Though I've become a cynic on love, your hope is helping me through. /So whatever I say, whatever happens, /Let's hold onto the starry nights and indecisive car rides, how /We were friends first and taught each other how to love /We can be infinite, /If we try.