See, I picked up a rotting leaf and held it up to the sunlight asking it not to crack again, when lines of dehydration were already pulling it apart from it's spine

The heat caused the frail ends to brown and curl, slowly wrapping around my finger like hands reaching out on a ledge, "don't let me fall..."

Becoming ruined and ugly despite its' pleading, slowly infecting itself, reaching the innocent greens at the base and body; and turning them vague shades of brown, yellows and rusty golds

"The leaf is dying!", she screams it, and tries to block out the sunlight but it's the biggest star in the sky, offering peace or something like freedom to this little fallen seed

Who cries quietly and not unhappily, as it crumbles in my palm; gently, gently, it pleads with a smile and drinks in the sunlight with an unquenchable thirst

Down its' throat, through its' veins, to the tips and the bottom; Ah. ah. ah. it's turning black now and the spine is bending upwards, curling its' tiny toes down and

There-suddenly and full with gratitude-it releases itself, turning into tiny bits of ash settling lightly on my forearm and cheekbones, flittering upon the air with a sigh of relief that brushes through my hair and over my mouth.

I inhale those tiny pieces and swallow, tears stinging the sides of my eyes because I am happy for it, but also sad.

The melancholy brings me to my knees and I gather dirt in my hands and bring it to my lips, over and again, between my teeth, crunching it under my tongue and into my throat

I cough, choking on the millions of ashy souls I am devouring, their souls shedding tears and my fingers trembling with a savage need

The shade of the trees is both calming and a mockery, holding on to fresh green leaves that sing with promise and understanding, innocence and naivety, holding onto their branches with strong, thin arms

The tears on my face mix with the ash on my chin, becoming thick trails of dirt, slip slipping into my shirt and between my breasts, across my neck and over my belly

It's beginning to devour me now too.

I wipe at the river halfheartedly, falling into the ground, the dust cloud around me lightly sighing and settling over my body in an empathetic embrace.

I breathe. In...and then out. Softly. Slowly. In. Out.

Even as ash fills my lungs, I am breathing; softly digging myself even deeper into the soil, sinking into its' feelings, "I don't want it to end"

I gasp suddenly and my eyes clear for just a moment, centering on a leaf at the edge of a beautiful oak just above me

It shakes, trembling with its' effort, I scream, breaking out of the trance for just long enough to feel the pain crush my ribs again, I can't breathe

I can't breathe.

The leaf falls, without notice, withoutanything, the other leaves just continuing to sway as it makes its' slow descent, I am crying, pulling myself out of the ashes

Arms outstretched, meaning to catch it, my fingers dirty and outstretched in the sun, turning light shades of red already from the radiation

Cradling it gently, the leaf meets my palm, feeling confused and soft, still alive, still hoping.

I kiss it, pressing it to my dry lips, careful not to let the ash touch its' perfect green.

I love this leaf. I love it in a moment, his immaculate color, and ignorant lifelessness, still reaching out with thirst and need of comfort-

"I will be yours", I whisper it, and touch the leaf again to my mouth

"I will take care of you and you will not be alone", I kiss it, again and again.

I run in a different direction, away from the trees and their dirty graveyard, looking for shade and searching for answers.

This cannot be the end, "It will not be", my small leaf, smiles and maybe its' holding back on to me too, fragile and trusting in my palm

We go away, onward and toward, a different fate, a better ending-

leaving the ashes in their pile and the trees to their dancing.