I'm feeling disconnected and annoyed. I know I have no claim on these people but the two guys I became close to having a relationship with have now started their own - one with official dating and the other with a casual beginning.
I don't want to shake things up or create any scenes but I came back home thinking I was ready to start something. And now the hard truth that life continues without me is right in front of me. I can't say anything, I have no right to say anything, but still I find myself stubbornly sad.
Each time I try to pull myself out of it, something brings me back down. Another couple's casual embrace. A stranger's show of affection. A look of understanding and patience, or even worse, a look avoided or un-returned. Because they gave up on me.
The sea roars. I stand alone. I wish my friends knew I wanted to talk, knew that I needed someone to listen. I'm afraid. A classic cliche, always strong on the outside but so incredibly brittle inside.
I know this will pass. Allow me this short self-pitying interlude. I am strong and independent and brave. Yet too often of late I find myself breaking. Too good at fixing and repairing.
I know I will continue... because what else can I do?