Can I get one break? Just one.
I go for dinner with my closest bud. We must be close – our haircuts are accidentally identical. Short beachy bobs with blonde highlights. The only difference is I have unruly bangs - the perfect description for my love life. I'm laughing internally for the sad truth of the matter.
We sit on the heated patio in the middle of spring. It is still 10 degrees so we shouldn't be on the patio or wearing our summer get up yet but we are embracing it. Our conversation is slightly stunted as we meet but picks up. We haven't seen eachother for a while. The groove needs to be forged again. Not a problem.
This is so much easier with friends than men.
Our meal and drinks come quickly and we are happy again.
Nobody in the restaurant has caught my attention. I am surprised by this revelation. Usually, there is one scrumptious looking human to have eye sex with while I drink my Bellini. This is not the case. In fact, I hadn't even noticed until I got home late.
We talk about my home, her new homelessness, and our love lives. That's when it happens; she drops a bomb that she doesn't know she possesses - my ex- boyfriend's current relationship update. Blow me.
I play it cool. My friend doesn't know the extent of our relationship and how murky is was for me and how cleanly he was able to leave me. I ooh and aah at the cutesy parts but inside I'm cringing.
This town is unfortunately too small for all of us.
As I drive home, I think of what matters. My mind is jumbled as always. I have made a promise to someone special that I would control myself and protect myself. However, I am sad, so sad. Some people get two chances at great loves and some of us try and get burned continuously. Is there no fairness? Can I have one love - even if it's not for forever – just for 6 months even. Can anybody love me and have me love them back for 6 months. Is that so hard?
Why is it so difficult for me?
Maybe I don't deserve it.
Maybe I don't deserve anything.