Success 101

You'll know you're successful the first time you hear someone brag that they knew you in high school.

Save The Whales!

Unless they taste good.

Daffynitions!

Expert: A person who may not have all the answers, but is sure he could get them with the proper funding.

I'm at an age where lunch tires me out.

Fake News Reports!

Colin Kaepernick Is The New Face Of Nike!

Congratulations, Nike.

You've just re-elected President Trump.

Fake News Reports!

Pastor Charles H. Ellis III GROPES Ariana Grande At Aretha Franklin's Funerals On LIVE TV!

And what did her fiancé Pete Davidson do?

Nothing.

He was too busy hiding behind Ann Coulter's mini-skirt.

My first marriage was like my ex at the gym...

It just didn't work out.

Fake News Reports!

Serena Williams LOSES Open Final In Controversial Match!

Accuses Chair Umpire Of Being Sexist!

"That's COMPLETELY untrue," the chair umpire defended himself. "I'm a RACIST."

Fake News Reports!

Detroit Food Truck Owner REFUSES To Serve Law Enforcement Officers!

"Hey, why am I being constantly robbed all of a sudden?" he wonders, now that all the cops are gone.

I hate saying I told you so.

That's a lie...

I LOVE saying I told you so.

The secret to my staying fit is my extensive long-distance jogging regimen.

Every day I run one lap around my ex.

Fake News Reports!

"Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams! Serena Williams!"

What about the girl who beat her?

"Who?"

Experts say that running will add three years to your life.

Unfortunately, those three years are spent running.

Fake News Reports!

Hurricane Florence Will Be DEVESTATING!

In other words, it will be just like every other hurricane that's ever happened.

"Uh, yeah."

My wife wants to buy our baby organic diapers.

I tell her our baby takes care of that herself.

Fake News Reports!

The Hannover Zoo in Germany is sending its last orangutan to Louisiana.

Why?

"We found out its name was Sid Rosenberg," they explained, sheepishly.

Tomorrow seems like a good day to stop procrastinating.

Success 101

When your work speaks for itself...

Don't interrupt.

I'm not saying my ex is ugly, but when an enchanted frog was going to ask her for a kiss, he settled for a handshake instead.

Real discipline is when you can pick strawberries without eating any.

A man's home is his castle.

But he's only in charge of cleaning the moats.

I'm multilingual.

I can borrow money in 14 different languages.

I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac.

Every time I get sick, I think it's nothing.

Tiger sharks need to make up their minds.