You know you're a loser when you're able to write your Last Will & Testament on Twitter.

It takes a monster to make a monster.

I'm not half as great as I think I am.

But that's still pretty good.

An Ouija board is a doorway between the supernatural and the gullible.

I'm not saying I procrastinate, but my smoke detector comes with a snooze button.

Good morning, Democrats!

Whose life shall we destroy today?

I have a great exercise program.

I run late ALL the time.

Success 101

Nothing is impossible.

The word itself says "I'm possible."

Self-delusion is the same as success, only you don't have to work as hard.

I try to live each day like it's my birthday.

I eat more cake that way.

Old age doesn't sneak up on you gradually.

It attacks you overnight.