14A/N: Hey, guys. Sorry for the delay. Some things came up. The storyline should start kicking in by about next chapter, hopefully. Sorry it's slow going right now; I thought they could use some downtime. Anyway, thanks so much for the reviews, you guys! It's nice to know people are still reading this :) Makes me want to update. So thanks for keeping this story alive. This chapter is a bit short compared to the others.
Chapter length: 4557
Onward!
Chapter Three: Opening Up
I slept fitfully that night.
Imagines rushed through my head, broken and shattered pieces of my psyche. I couldn't remember what the dreams were necessarily about when I woke; I just knew they were awful.
It was hard to get back to sleep. Each time I tried, I worried I'd slip back into those bad dreams. My anxiety over it left the bad dreams happening when I did finally fall back to sleep, and the process started all over. So eventually, I simply didn't go back to sleep after waking gasping for breath. I just stayed up, and read one of Kieron's books.
Kieron liked to read. One wouldn't know it to simply look at him, because everyone here saw a fighter through and through. An animalistic perpetual, in some cases. But he was more than his placement in their tier of power. He enjoyed reading, and always had a few books on him. Or, rather, I always kept a few books around for him, and tried to find him new ones. He liked more simple stories in that he had enough action in his life, so small life stories were his secret pleasure. I thought it was cute. He also liked mysteries.
He didn't used to bring books with him when we traveled. For a long time, I had no idea he liked to read, at all. We traveled so light in the early days. I was a handful, angry and stubborn. Kieron wasn't exactly a pleasure to be around back then, either, angry and bitter himself. We got into various shouting matches. Despite how annoying I had to be, despite how much he clearly didn't want me around, he stayed with me anyway and kept me safe. He said he didn't have a choice, that it was his job, but I'd seen his memories.
Not all of them, of course. The one that stood out the most was the memory of the day we first met. Their laws demanded my death for getting in the way, for being somewhere I shouldn't have been. That was why people kept going missing in the wooded park; not because of gang or drug activity, but because perpetuals like Kieron guarded the gateways between our worlds, and one happened to be there. Whenever a human wandered too far off course, whenever they got too close to the gateway, they had to be killed. It was their law to do so.
Kieron didn't kill me that night, despite wanting to, himself. Despite what the law said he should do. Despite that inner voice of his demanding my untimely death. He fought it for some reason. Something about me made him stop. Maybe because he thought, deep down, that I really could see him. Maybe that pricked at him, needled away until he gave into the other aspect of their laws.
I was predetermined, after all. Somehow. Humans couldn't see perpetuals or screamers or Etherians for what they truly were. If a screamer appeared on Earth, they would be seen as humans. This was because normal human minds couldn't comprehend what they were really seeing, so in a play to save themselves from asking the truly hard questions, their minds tricked them. It wasn't necessarily a glamor or illusion cast on them by the mere presence of an Etherian, not exactly. When they looked at a screamer or someone who didn't look truly human, their minds automatically filled in the blanks. All the presence of an Etherian did was offer the story, offer the image of what the human might see, and the human mind latched on tight because normal humans weren't supposed to know they weren't entirely alone. They weren't supposed to know about Ethereal. How could they comprehend such a place in their normal, day-to-day lives? It would drive them crazy.
I was different, somehow.
On that first night we met, I saw Kieron's blue hair. My brother sees black hair, normal hair. There was something wolfish about Kieron, some sharpness all around him. My brother saw him as a human, without those wolfish edges. I saw Kieron, truly saw him, and some part of him must have known that because he found me later and demanded me to tell him what color his hair was. Because he was right, and I was different.
I was predetermined. Ethereal was big on the whole 'predetermined' thing. Humans who could see Etherians were few and far between, incredibly rare, but were to be protected because they played a role of significgance in Ethereal. When I first appeared, they weren't sure what role I would play, what my presence meant for them. Then Exrie made his move, and it became clear why I was there.
Somehow, I had to stop Exrie. I had to set things right in Ethereal, because perpetuals were dying and that had never happened before. I had no idea how to stop him.
No, a part of me whispered. That's not entirely true.
There was a way. The mystical walls in the Caverns of Knowledge, in a subset of Ethereal called Miitha Tiaydh, told me how to stop Exrie.
They said he could only be defeated after he'd already won.
At what point did he believe he won, though? At Kieron's death? That was the first step of his true victory, wasn't it? He wanted me at his side, wanted to bond with me, and that meant first taking Kieron out of the picture. So at what point did he 'win'?
If his victory started with Kieron's death, I couldn't follow that route. I couldn't go down that path. I'd rejected that reality once already; I couldn't handle it again.
There was a sharp knocking at my door. Bekkah's knuckles were sharp little things.
"Yeah?" I called.
"I thought I heard you moving around. Come out here for a moment."
I sighed, wondering what she wanted. Then I crawled out of bed, dressed only in a pair of comfortable red shorts I'd taken to sleeping in, without a shirt. It was hot here, after all. Warm and cozy, but I couldn't leave the window open at night. Too many people had come in through windows already. Bekkah was on high alert, being the only truly fight-worthy person here at the moment, but I wouldn't make this harder on her by keeping my window while I slept. That meant it was hot in my room, though.
I slipped out of the bedroom, a chill sweeping around me. The windows in the living room had screens in them, and when Bekkah was awake they were open, and she rarely slept. The breeze felt nice but chilled me after the heat of my room.
It wasn't Bekkah standing there waiting for me.
I flung myself forward, into his arms. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to him. I breathed in the sweet scent of him, something in my mind calming as I felt him solidly against me, felt him all around me.
"You're here," I said happily, not letting go of him.
"I'm here," he agreed. "I didn't mean for her to wake you."
"I was already awake," I assured him, pulling my head from his shoulder to look him in the eye. He was pale, with rings around his eyes hinting at a lack of sleep himself. But he was here, and he was mine, and he was perfect. I pressed my mouth against his, a soft gentle pressure, before his grip on me tightened and he deepened the kiss.
I was breathless a moment later, which completely unfair because he was never winded like me.
I pulled back, grinning widely. "I missed you."
A colossal understatement, really.
Every part of me was alive and singing now that he was back, the chord in my mind stretched, reaching for him. It wanted me closer. I wanted closer.
"Sorry I took so long," he said.
"Get a room," Bekkah said from the doorway, seemingly coming in from the porch. I shot her a glare but she merely grinned back at me.
"You look tired," I told Kieron, looking back at him. I grabbed his hand and slipped away from his warm body, leading him toward my room. Our room. It was supposed to be our room, but he'd been away for a while, leaving me alone. He followed willingly, and shut the door behind us.
Then he was on me.
My back hit the wall with an audible thump. My arms wound tightly around him, crushing him to me as much as I could, as his lips connected with mine in a fierce, hungry kiss. Every part of me welcomed his advances, every part of my body ached for his touch. I'd missed this. Missed him. Missed everything about him.
His mouth left mine, but I pouted for only a second before his teeth met my neck, lightly biting into the exposed skin. I tilted my head to the right, exposing the left side more, allowing him more access. It was where the bond was first formed so long ago, after all; it was the most tender area, and it felt amazing.
Finally, after a few minutes of bliss, he pulled away, watching me closely.
"Sorry," he said, running his tongue over his lips as his gaze flickered back to my neck before snapping back toward my face.
"Are you apologizing for kissing me or biting my neck?" I asked, quirking a brow. "Because you realize as my boyfriend, you have every right to do that, right? And I certainly wasn't complaining."
"I know that. I just… should have better control."
I rolled my eyes. "You know I like you like this, right? You don't have to control yourself around me. At all."
"I do," he said, scowling. "I could hurt you."
"You'd never hurt me."
He worried he'd lose control too much, or do something wrong, and actually hurt me. He'd done it before, biting my neck so much it bled a lot and ached painfully, but oh well. It was in the past, and I trusted him not to hurt me like that again. The only reason he did it that time was because his more animalistic half was in control, and I'd tried to leave him. I'd tried to leave the room, told him to stop, and he'd fought me. Raged against the thought of me rejecting him. I wasn't rejecting him, of course, but that animalistic bit of him thought I was and reacted accordingly. It was the only real time he hurt me.
I trusted him. I knew what to look out for now, I knew not to move away, so he wouldn't hurt me.
I grabbed his hand, pulling him back toward me. He stepped into my personal space, a breath away from kissing me. I smiled at him, looking into his bright blue eyes.
When he was less controlled, his eyes brightened like this. They had an unnatural glow, an apparently eerie brightness, but they weren't scary to me. To others, the bright eyes of the animalistic perpetuals was terrifying, because once upon a time it meant they were truly out of control and rampaging through the streets, just aching for a bloody fight. Kieron wasn't like that. His lack of control was different; he wasn't looking for a fight. It just meant he was more himself. His bright eyes were beautiful to me, not horrifying. Not creepy or scary or even remotely eerie. They were perfect.
"I really missed you," I said.
"I know."
"Did you miss me?"
Kieron wasn't all that great at sharing his feelings, or showing them. He was slowly getting better at it, letting himself feel more, letting himself show it, but he spent his whole life hiding how he felt. Perpetuals weren't supposed to feel, after all. They trained that out of them, punished them for showing or feeling, because a killing machine like the perpetuals, strong and immortal, having feelings like this could be dangerous. But Kieron had always felt. He had feelings. He never 'grew out of them' like the others, and he thought something was wrong with him. So he hid them, locked them so deep inside himself he almost forgot they were there, until I came alone.
The emotional human, there to ruin all he worked so hard to build. It was why he was initially so angry with me, so aggressive and bitter, so hate-filled. He hated me, in the beginning, because I was there to shatter the illusion he'd created for himself. I was there to make him feel, to bond with him, to connect to his mind and see through his walls, and he grew up terrified of anyone ever seeing the real him. He grew up afraid he'd be thrown into the Lake for feeling, for having a secondary voice in his head known as it, and he worked so very hard on his walls and shields to hide that from everyone.
And then he had to bond with me, and it all fell apart.
I worked hard on his walls, worked hard to get him to open up to me, and he was getting there. Slowly but surely. Well, to me the changes were slow and steady, but to him they were fast. He was over eight hundred, after all. Time was different for perpetuals.
"I missed you," he told me quietly, expression softening.
I nodded, and leaned forward slightly, closing the distance between us. Our lips connected once more. My heart raced, quickly picking up speed, because I loved this. Kissing Kieron was always amazing, and it would never grow old. It would never lose that fiery spark.
It would never not make my pulse race. It would never not leave me breathless.
He pulled back too soon for my liking, but I needed air. He stepped back a small step, giving me more space to collect myself. "How are you?" he asked.
"I'm fine," I said. "How are you? How'd things go?"
I knew he wasn't hurt. My skin wasn't itching or burning like it did when he was in danger, and I hadn't felt any phantom aches. Even if he hid them from me when they happened, he had to know I would see the evidence when he returned, and he hadn't warned me beforehand so I knew he was okay right now. Whatever injuries he might have hidden, they were healed by now.
"We're getting close to ending this," he assured me.
Ending the hunt for those who wished me harm.
They wanted to hurt Kieron, too. They wanted to kill him first, or at the same time as me, to keep him from healing me. It was the only reason I okayed his mission to hunt them down and stop them, because after everything, I couldn't stand for people to be out there secretly gathering weapons with the intent to harm my perpetual. Exrie and the screamers already wanted him dead; I couldn't stand for there to be another group wishing him harm.
"How close?" I asked.
"We have a lead on where their main headquarters are."
"You didn't go there," I said.
He shook his head. "No. We didn't."
Good. I didn't want him going to their main headquarters. It was too dangerous. "How long are you staying here?"
"As long as I can," he replied, shrugging. "As long as nothing comes up that needs my immediate attention."
"So you're all mine?"
He smirked. "Yes. I guess you could say that."
I flung myself at him again.
xXx
We lay in bed later, exhausted but sated. He was a solid warmth against my side, one of his arms strung around me, holding me close. He was fast asleep, but I lay awake, watching the quiet rise and fall of his chest. He looked tired before; he needed the rest, but I was too happy to sleep, really. Because he was finally back, and some part of me fitted back together so nicely, so completely.
Being here with him, like this, was everything to me. Just quiet, stolen moments like this. They shouldn't have felt stolen, but they were. Stolen moments of bliss hidden in the chaos that had become our lives. I wondered, sometimes, what it would be like to be like this with him, in a normal life. If we led normal everyday lives. If he wasn't a fighter, an animalistic perpetual, and I wasn't a predetermined human. If we were just people who met under different circumstances. If we could just have a normal life together. If we could just be like this, all the time, without all the worries about when this would end.
But we weren't normal. Wondering about it wasn't helping me, because we'd never have that. At least, not until this war was over and Exrie was defeated, but I didn't want to think about Exrie right now. I didn't want to think about what the walls said.
Would we be together, if we met under different circumstances? If we were just normal people, on Earth, and Ethereal didn't exist. Would we be together now? Probably not. He was so angry in the beginning, so bitter. Maybe, if perpetuals didn't exist, and he was just a normal human, he wouldn't have been so angry. But maybe he'd find something else to be angry about, and if we weren't thrown together like we were… would I have given him a chance? Would he have given me one?
It was best not to think about, really. What happened, happened, and there was no changing the past. We were together, and we'd just have to steal as many moments as we could until things were normal.
Kieron looked so peaceful when he slept. So open and vulnerable, so unlike he was when he was awake. The frown usually present somewhere on his face, either in his downturned lips when he was arguing or in the crease in his brow, disappeared when he slept like this, so deeply. He didn't always allow himself to sleep so deeply, didn't always allow himself to be so open and vulnerable, but sometimes he did, and I loved it when that happened.
I watched him sleep for a few minutes, enjoying his presence and the warmth of the bond, and then finally closed my eyes.
xXx
The next morning, I had an appointment with Whitaker again. I didn't want to go, just wanted to lounge around with Kieron, but he scowled at me until I submitted and went. I tried to talk him into coming with me, but he said that was private time for myself, and he didn't want to intrude.
So I went to see Whitaker alone. Well, with Bekkah as an escort. Kieron was going to stay behind and keep an eye on the house and talk to Ashere. Ashere had been slightly less grouchy after our talk, but I knew he was still bitter about his situation. I couldn't really blame him for that.
Alone time with his best friend, without my intervention, might help.
I sat in the same chair I'd been in last time. Whitaker already had his notepad out, pen at the ready to take more notes.
"How are you today, Terry?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Better. Kieron's back."
"Ah, yes. Things are easier with him around, aren't they?"
I nodded. Things were always easier with Kieron around.
"When did he get back?"
"Yesterday."
He nodded, watching me calmly. "Did you think about what I said?"
I released a slow breath. "You say a lot. What, exactly, was I supposed to think about?"
He watched me calmly, making a quick note in his notebook. I scowled at him. "I asked what your triggers were for your anxiety. Why do you become anxious? When?"
I sighed heavily. I didn't really want to discuss this, at all. But I supposed I had to – I was here to get better, after all. To control my anger and anxiety. "When I think something's wrong with Kieron," I said quietly.
He scribbled away in his notebook. "I see," he said. "Do you often fear for his safety?"
"Yeah."
"Even though you yourself are human, and to you he would be indestructible?"
"He's not indestructible," I said, glaring at him. Just because Kieron was a perpetual, and an animalistic one at that, didn't mean he couldn't feel pain. It didn't mean he couldn't be killed or taken from me in other ways.
He scribbled more in his notebook. The scratch of the pen was grating. "Are you often quick to anger when it concerns him?"
"Maybe a little."
"I see. Why do you think that is?"
"I know why it is," I said, rolling my eyes.
"And why is that?"
"I can't tell you. Next question."
"Why can't you tell me?" he asked.
I shook my head. I couldn't describe the bond to him. Nor could I discuss my status as the aggressor. It felt too wrong, too private, to discuss it here. "Next question," I said again.
"I can't help you if you don't open up," he said.
"It's our bond," I said, frowning. "And that's all I'm gonna say on it."
"The bond makes you angry?"
"Not angry. Well, I mean. Not angry with Kieron."
"With others, though, it makes you angry?"
"Kind of. I guess you could say it makes me defensive, so kind of angry."
"Defensive," he repeated, writing away in his notebook. "And this is just since you bonded with Kieron?"
"Yeah."
"You were never like this before?"
"Not that I noticed."
I thought it was probably a part of me anyway, otherwise it wouldn't have activated when Kieron and I bonded. I never felt the need to be defensive before, though, not with anyone else. Only with Kieron.
"Why do you think you've become defensive with Kieron?"
"Because I love him," I said simply.
It used to be hard to admit, even to myself, but now it was so easy. So easy and so freeing. I loved him, and he loved me, and while I was angrier and more aggressive now, I wouldn't change it for a thing as long as I had Kieron.
I thought of him this morning, how I left him sleeping in bed. How we ate breakfast together. How we kissed goodbye before I left the house.
I thought of him as he was in bed last night.
"Terry?"
I blinked, refocusing on Whitaker. "Yes?"
"I called your name three times."
"Oh. Sorry. I was thinking."
"I see. And you refuse to tell me further about your bond?"
"It's private," I said.
"I need you to trust me if you want my help."
"There's trust, and then there's sex talk," I told him, scowling. "I'm not comfortably discussing my sex life with you. Sorry."
"What about the bond? That's not inherently sexual."
"It's private and intimate," I said. "So it's like sex. Next question."
He sighed. "Terry…"
"I know," I muttered, closing my eyes. "I know what you want me to discuss, but I can't. I mean I kind of physically can't. I don't know why."
Discussing such intimate matters felt wrong on a variety of levels, and some part of me outright refused to allow myself to do this. To discuss Kieron like this. To talk about his bright eyes, his open intimacy, his gentle expression in bed. To speak about my aggressor status and his subgressor status. To speak about how this link in my head which had become more important than breathing.
Talking about it to some stranger felt wrong.
"I need you to try," he said. "I understand it might be difficult, but if you truly want my help, you have to tell me these things so I can work through your issues with you."
"My issues," I repeated, scowling. "Thanks so much. I'm not broken, you know."
"Some part of you must feel broken, or you wouldn't be here now."
He had a point. It didn't feel all that professional, but it was still a valid point.
"What do you know about my bond?" I asked.
"I was informed that whatever you tell me about your bond would remain between us," he said calmly, watching me carefully. "Your friend, Bekkah, was quite firm on this. I believe she threatened me with bodily harm, if I spoke about your private matters to the wrong person."
That relaxed me, to know Bekkah had my back. It was her secret way of letting me know it was okay to discuss the bond, because Whitaker, while annoying, could be trusted. She hunted hard for him, struggling to find the right person for me, and I knew I had to discuss the bond. I knew I had to discuss everything about the bond, and not just the parts we wished to let the general public know.
"What do you know about an aggressor?" I asked.
He blinked back at me, slit pupils widening slightly in shock. "An aggressor," he repeated quietly. "Rare, but it certainly does slot things into perspective. Your defensive anger makes sense."
"Yeah, that," I said. "I see you already guessed I was the aggressor."
"It makes plenty of sense," he said.
"If you say so. It's all still a little new to me."
He scribbled quickly in his notebook, looking more animated than I'd ever seen him. "I've studied aggressor bonds extensively," he said. "I guess that's why your friend picked me. She knows about this, correct?"
"She does," I agreed.
"Interesting. Very interesting."
"Sure," I said. "So how do I not bite everyone's head off?"
"It's tied to your emotions," he said. "You become more agitated as your bonded is endangered, and when people speak ill of them, you jump to their defense. Is that about right?"
"Yeah. So, help?"
"How long have you been bonded?"
I blinked at him. "Does that matter?"
"It might."
"I don't know. A few years. It's all a chaotic jumbled mess," I said.
"I see. And he is an animalistic perpetual. That might complicate things."
"How so?" I asked, almost defensively.
"Well, generally, animalistic perpetuals are more aggressive by default. So in your relationship, it would make more sense for him to be the aggressor and not you. It's an oddity, that's all."
More scribbling.
"As the aggressor, it will definitely be more difficult for you to control your emotions concerning him. We can implement a few breathing techniques and mental puzzles to otherwise occupy your mind while you're apart, since that does seem to be bothering you, but this is going to take effort on your part. You have to be willing to do as I say."
"Sure," I said, sighing. "Whatever it takes."
He nodded, flipping through his notes to ask more questions.
xXx
I returned home to an empty house with Bekkah at my side.
"Well I'll be damned," she said, grinning.
"What?" I asked.
"He got him out of the house."
I stared at her, unaware of the implications until then.
The house was empty. That meant both Kieron and Ashere were gone.
Kieron got Ashere to go outside.
I grinned back at her. "Miracles do happen."
"Hallelujah," she said.