Saturday 4th August 2018, 5:56pm
My mum is sometimes a right cunt (excuse my language, but I can say what I want). I went downstairs, you know, very innocently to get a glass of squash because it's fucking boiling in England at the moment and I asked her (very nonchalantly because I literally didn't give a fuck about the answer) what time she was going out. And she said: "What are you hungry or something?" Now, to most people, this would seem like a concerned mother wondering if she should make dinner for her child before she goes out.
But my mum is not like that.
She doesn't make dinner, plus, I'm 19 so I can make my own food. But what my mum is is passive aggressive and malicious. What she meant by that comment was: "what, so you can stuff your face when I leave". And first of all, I barely eat anything anymore. Today I've eaten: a croissant and some jam. And a few mini cheddars. It's nearly 6pm. Second, my dad isn't even leaving. Third, if I wanted to stuff my face I would do it whether she was home or not. But instead of getting annoyed, I just said: "dad's making dinner at 6" (so, yeah, I'm not making my own food, whatever). And she said (pretending to be uninterested) "Oh. I don't know then," And I said: "Oh are you not going then?" She said: "Why do you care?" and I told her that I was just curious and asking her about her night.
Why does she have to be such a malicious and spiteful bitch? And yeah the words she said don't seem malicious and spiteful but her tone, fucking hell, her tone. The saying is: a picture can say a thousand words. It should really be: a tone can say a thousand words. Especially when it comes to my mother because I can tell everything she's thinking, feeling and wanting to actually say by the tone she uses for a seemingly innocent/perfectly neutral sentence. She's passive aggressive. And sometimes I hate her for it because it pisses me off and I can't say anything about it otherwise I'm "being too sensitive". Oh, and her new saying is calling me a "Uni bitch" every time I say something she disagrees with. We were watching Modern Family together the other day, and she was making stupid noises and talking over the TV so I said (nicely): "Can you please stop making noise? I thought we were watching Mod Fam (what we call it)?" And then she rolled her eyes and said "Fine. Uni bitch" and then she told me I was too sensitive when I asked her not to call me it. I don't get her. I don't get why she seems to think calling me a bitch is "banter". It isn't. We aren't friends. And as she fucking loves to say: many a true word is said in jest.
Anyway, her passive aggression (is that what it's called?) has started to become a problem for my copy of The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. Because I know I can't lose my temper at her, otherwise she'll call me Uni bitch/sensitive, but I still get furious at her when she says certain things to me, I throw stuff. But I can't throw anything that will break or mark my bedroom walls so the first time I did it, I threw my copy of that book. Now the front few pages are lose, the cover is hanging off and loads of the pages are ripped.
I don't like the book at all but that's beside the point: she shouldn't make me angry enough to break a book. Maybe it's my problem. Maybe I am too sensitive but I don't think I am. I think she just says stuff to me that she'll know will get a reaction. Because when I'm in Swansea, I don't get angry enough to throw things. The only time that happened was shortly after Quinn and I broke up and she kept drunk-calling me (when I was drunk too) and I was so pissed off at her that I threw my phone at my bedroom wall. Daisy (who was with me at the time), got my phone and hung up on her without saying anything and Kayla told me that if I was upset I should cry, not throw my stuff because of her. I said I wasn't upset, I was furious. The next time Quinn drunk-called me which was the next night, Kayla answered (without my permission) and told her to stop calling me because it was pissing me off. And to this day, I don't care if that upset her because she should have got the hint when I kept not answering. Maybe it's true when they say you date people who remind you of your mum/dad.
Linked to Quinn, the day I broke up with her was a Wednesday morning. She'd spent the whole of the previous night (the whole of the previous week) telling me (drunk) that she didn't trust me, I was cheating on her, I already had cheated on her, that she was going to do cocaine because she knew she couldn't trust me and that she was in love with her new flatmate called Jack and wanted him not me. Why was she surprised I ended it? God knows. Anyway, I told her I couldn't do this anymore because it was too difficult and creating way more anxiety than what I could deal with on top of being with new people, in a new place, miles away from home and being away from my family. She called me (makes sense) and she was like "tell me it's over - do you really want it to be over?" and I was saying "Yeah, I'm sorry but I have to end it" and she hung up on me. I didn't cry. I got dressed, got on the bus and went to the Fresher's Fair thing to sign up for societies and all that. On the bus journey there, she called me back and said she agreed with my decision after talking to her brother with it. It was over. The next day, I called my mum whilst I was waiting for my flatmate to finish something on campus so we could go back to the flat and she said I sounded a million times happier. Brighter.
Later that day, a few of us drove to Hobby Craft and Tescos and Quinn called me again. I ignored it. She texted me, begging me to call her. I said I would when I got back. I waited an hour after we got back, hoping she'd forgotten. She called me first. She wanted me to tell her why I'd broken up with her. I said I had made it very clear. She was crying. I wasn't. Then all the drunk calling happened until Kayla told her to stop calling me and I deleted her number and blocked her on Instagram and Snapchat. I didn't think I could trust her to leave me alone but I didn't block her number and she never called me again. I was relieved and still am. My feelings towards her are way worse than they used to be and I know if I spoke to her again, I would have to tell her. For some reason, she also blocked me on Facebook like 4 months after we broke up even though we had never been friends on Facebook because she didn't have it until starting Uni and I rarely used to use it.
I want to do a 24-hour readathon. But there are too many reasons why I won't:
1) There's literally no one to do it with. Apart from Daisy, Lara and Lea, none of my friends read and none of those three would do it with me. Maybe I'll be able to persuade Daisy to join me once 2nd year starts. That would be super fun actually.
2) I am not great at staying up for that amount of time without being really drunk. But I wouldn't want to sleep during it because I'd feel like a failure.
3) None of the booktubers I watch are doing one at the moment so I wouldn't even be able to feel connected with strangers on the internet.
4) It's nearly 7 and I'm already kinda drained. If I had a nap for an hour or two, I could probably manage it.
5) I think I'm in a reading slump at the moment.
6) At the same time, I want to read so many books right now that I have no idea where to start.
Farewell for now, I will let you know if I decide to read for many hours.