Fake News Reports!

Diane Gardea, a fugitive on El Paso's Most Wanted list, was arrested at her east side home!

"They'll never look for me here," she chuckled, just before they broke down the door.

I...

Am...

The...

World's...

Fastest...

Snail.

I'm not saying they're ugly, but I don't blame caterpillars for wanting to be butterflies.

Fake News Reports!

Experts Warn Hurricane Michael Will Be DEVESTATING!

"Why hasn't President Trump STOPPED it!?" bemoan Democrats.

I don't do social media.

Technology may have given us more ways to communicate, but it's just given me more ways to avoid people.

Fake News Reports!

A CDC survey has determined that a lot of people eat fast food.

Another survey that cost taxpayers millions of dollars recommends breathing "if you want to stay alive."

My company has a very strict policy concerning taking time off for a death in the family.

In order for me to get the day off, the person who dies has to be ME.

As a child, I always got in trouble for not washing my hands after using the bathroom. That taught me a VERY important lesson:

ALWAYS run the water for a few seconds before leaving the bathroom.

When I need advice, I always go to my ex first.

I like to start at the bottom.

My car mechanic must think I'm stupid.

He just told me my tires need to be rotated.

"Hey," I told him, "my tires rotate on their own every time I drive."