FAKE NEWS REPORTS!

Sixties Rock Icon Neil Young Has Become An American Citizen!

"I wanted to vote in the next presidential election," the former Canadian explained, giving his primary reason. "I wanted to do my part in turning the United States into a

socialist country."

China Is Building Two New Hospitals To Help Combat The Coronavirus Outbreak In The City Of Wuhan, Epicenter Of The Deadly Virus!

"Too bad everybody will be dead by then," a Chinese spokesman lamented.

What's a yardstick?

It's a device for getting stuff out from under the refrigerator.

Kobe Bryant!

DEAD!

Um... didn't he play basketball or something?

Kobe Bryant!

DEAD!

As an iconic athlete, he accomplished something not even the great Tiger Woods could achieve:

He got away with cheating on his wife.

Kobe Bryant!

DEAD!

"Oh, my God! That's horrible! That's the worst news I've ever heard in my life! He was a great, great man."

Also dead is his 13-year-old daughter.

"Who?"

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Kobe Bryant!

DEAD!

"Oh, my God! That's horrible! That's the worst news I've ever heard in my life! He was a great, great man!"

Um... didn't he get away with rape back in 2003 by paying off his victim?

"So... what's your point?"

Kobe Bryant!

DEAD!

And Democrats are determined to find a witness somewhere who can corroborate President Trump's responsibility in the tragedy.

Eli Manning!

RETIRES!

"Now that Kobe Bryant is dead, I don't have the heart to play any more."

This Just In!

A United States Military Aircraft Has CRASHED In Afghanistan!

Five to seven servicemen were killed, including two pilots!

"Thank God none of them were basketball players," today's news media consoled themselves.