Shakespeare's:

And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother,
That you insult, exult, and all at once,
Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty,-
As, by my faith, I see no more in you
Than without candle may go dark to bed-
Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?
Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?
I see no more in you than in the ordinary
Of nature's sale-work. 'Od's my little life,
I think she means to tangle my eyes too!
No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it:
'Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair,
Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream,
That can entame my spirits to your worship.
You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,
Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?
You are a thousand times a properer man
Than she a woman: 'tis such fools as you
That makes the world full of ill-favour'd children:
'Tis not her glass, but you, that flatters her;
And out of you she sees herself more proper
Than any of her lineaments can show her.
But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees,
And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man's love:
For I must tell you friendly in your ear,
Sell when you can: you are not for all markets:
Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:
Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.
So take her to thee, shepherd: fare you well.

Mine:

Hey! What would your mother think of just how much you seem to be enjoying hurting this man? It's not like you're beautiful. Seriously, you aren't even pretty enough to have sex with the lights on, what right do you have to be such a bitch?

Okay now what are you doing? Don't look at me like that. There's nothing interesting about you. You're plain, stupid, and boring.

Jesus Christ, I think she's trying to seduce me!

Sweetheart don't try it. Nothing, not even your thick black eyebrows, your silky black hair, your shiny black eyes, or your creamy skin that could ever make me love you.

And you, you idiotic Shepherd, why are you following her around sighing and crying to rival the south wind? You are so out of her league. My God, it's because of people like you that there are so many ugly kids around.

Look, her mirror isn't what says she's beautiful, you are. And because of you she thinks she is so much better than she is or ever will be.

Oh, and Missy? You had better realize how horrible your being and pray your hardest that God forgives you, and while you're at it thank him for making a man as good as this love you, because I've got some advice for you sweetheart, since we're friends. You should accept him because no one else will ever want you.

Apologize to the man, and give him a chance. Your ugly face is made uglier still with such ugly behavior.

So take her Shepherd, and good luck, I'm out.