Sometimes I get so frustrated, and I hate myself for it. Everyone has the right to be disappointed in me. Hell, they should even hate me for it.
I've always been the one to hold my family together, to cheer them up, but now I find that impossible. How can I possibly do so when I feel like absolute shit? Instead of forcing myself into a good mood for the sake of others, I do nothing to cure the negative mood and feelings of others. I'll mock, "It's good for your soul."
They should be disappointed in me. They should hate me. I always let them down when I should pick them up. I hate myself in these times, but I also hate everyone. I feel like I should be punished for this, so to do so, I go off on my own, let my mind overthink, and let myself sob.
When I sob, I want to hurt myself. I want to hurt someone else. I want to hit anything. I'll walk into a room, my eyes hurting from holding back the tears until I can be alone, and slam the door behind me. My back will slide down the door, my hands grasping my head. There's too much happening in there. When the first sob rolls out I find myself hitting my forehead with both my hands trying to contain a mind about to explode. Then I wrap my arms around my stomach as I attempt to catch my breath, gasping as air enters my lungs again.
When I sob, I can hardly breathe. I feel in so much pain, physically and mentally. My stomach clenches together too tight, my lungs burn, and my throat feels like it's collapsing in on itself. Add in the mental pain that already ripped me apart, when I begin to sob it hurts so bad I wish I were dead.
When I sob, I lean my head back and stare at the wall in front of me. I continue to cry, my face dripping from all the tears, but nothing is worse than that first sob. They're all bad, though, as there are so many of them, and each comes with something my mind can scream at me for.
When I sob, I think of too much, how the old me is lost, how I care about nothing anymore, how everyone should be disappointed in me, and how people are good to me when they shouldn't be. My mind shouts at me all the things I've done wrong, all the times I've failed myself and others. These are the moments when there is too much in there for me to even remember them all, nor would I even want to. Instead I cry until I'm sick and can no longer cry.
After I sob, I just want to sit in a dark room, lights off, curtains closed, no people around, with not a noise being made. I want to let the darkness surround me as my never ending thoughts continue to invade me. I remain sitting there, emotionless for hours, staring at nothing and wasting away precious time in my life as I myself waste away.