1DESPAIR
I listen to the words you say to me now
and as I look at you straight in the eye,
I can't help but wonder these things…
Is the girl you see
as we talk…
as we hold each other…
as we hug…
as we kiss…
as we make love…
really me?
Or is it
her face that you imagine,
her voice that you hear,
her touch that you feel,
her embrace that you long for,
her kiss that you crave,
her body that you desire?
Such thoughts torment me
every time I look at you,
every time you look at me.
I never thought I would
think this, let alone say it…
but I realize now that
it really is painful to be with you.
We are still together
living in the same house,
going about our routines
as if we are okay,
as if everything is normal,
but it's not…
Nothing is the same anymore
and even if you deny this,
I know you see the change,
I know you feel me change.
I tried my best
and am still trying until now
but I really cannot pretend
that I am not hurt,
that I am not broken
over the truth that
I now know for certain.
And although it's very hard to accept,
this truth screams and hurls itself at me
like ice cold water thrown to my face:
that it is her you love now,
that it is her who has taken my place
inside your heart.
Going through life everyday with you
while knowing this simple fact
is tearing me apart,
Going through work everyday
while knowing that you are
working in one room with her
is killing what light and life
I have left inside of me.
You refuse to let me go
saying I got it all wrong
because it is still me you want to be with.
I asked you again if you love her
and you're quick to say no
but what of all the messages, letters, quotes, dinner dates
and secret getaways that you have planned with her?
Even more so, why don't I see the fear of losing me
in your face,
in your eyes anymore?
Why don't I feel the desperation of keeping me
in your touch,
in your embrace,
in your kiss?
Such thoughts drain me,
such feelings break me,
such realizations kill me.
And I'm just really tired now,
so damn tired.
Hazel
05.18.19