After that morning, Sasha and I fell into a routine together that seemed natural, almost effortless, and our relationship with each other grew to reflect this. She had shown me who she was and what she had been through at a depth and with a courage that no other person had ever entrusted me with, and I was honored by it. No one had ever seen me as important enough to be trusted over everyone else in their lives, and as small as Sasha's world was, I nevertheless understood what a huge gesture this was for her. I wanted to show her that I was worthy of it, that I wouldn't make her sorry for her confidence in me.

Sasha wasn't a hard person to live with. After so many years of sacrifice living with Maria, it was almost effortless for her to compromise, peace-make, and do things for others, and it was clear that she wanted our living arrangements to work badly enough that she was willing to do a lot to keep them. It was actually harder to get Sasha to stop cleaning, straightening, and checking over things than it was to get her to just sit down and relax.

I could see how easily someone who didn't care about or understand where Sasha was coming from could take advantage of her. It made my cheeks heat, angry and uncomfortable, to even think about what she might have put up with, if she'd ended up with any of the considerable sample of idiots I'd encountered looking for a roommate or in my numerous hook-up or dating fiascos. I barely trusted myself, with my foot's tendency to reside squarely in my mouth, and I knew I didn't intend her harm. I hated to even think about how a girl who was someone simultaneously as tough and as fragile as Sasha could be treated by someone who saw her passive tendencies as active invites for them to abuse her or take advantage.

So I did what I could to keep her happy, to try to bring a smile to her face or make things a little easier for her in her day. I wanted her to remember whatever it was in me she had liked enough to choose to live with, and hopefully it would be enough to smooth over my less sterling qualities. I remembered and served her coffee and other drinks how she preferred, asked her every night about her day, and attempted to understand whatever it was she had been studying in college, even if it was boring or made no sense to me as to how it would ever apply to life or careers. I had noticed that Sasha got cold easily and made sure to keep blankets or robes within easy reach of our couch and kitchen area, so I could offer them when she needed. I asked her opinions and thoughts, and I listened and responded with mine.

It wasn't anything major, but then again, being a decent human being sometimes seems a rarity nowadays. And it was enough that within a couple of weeks, I saw a shift in how Sasha carried herself, a lighter set to her shoulders and a loosening to her features. She seemed to stand straighter and with more conviction, with less apology for her thoughts or presence. She was quicker to smile and slower to blush, and every time I could make her laugh or even roll her eyes, I counted it as a personal victory that just seemed to grow in its frequency of occurrence.

Somehow, without us even talking about it, Sasha became my girl, and without her having to say it, I knew I was hers in return.

We were making a life together, a life highly entwined around each other. Like Sasha herself, it was an undramatic, unexciting life, one I was unused to. I've always been the girl who would take any dare others turned down, the girl who would try everything once and got off on thrills. I was used to following my impulses and hoping most of them turned out more or less okay. Before I met Sasha, it seemed the best way to live- how else would I get to live my life at its fullest, and really know what was out there to experience?

But life with Sasha wasn't like that. Sasha had lead such a small, enclosed life that she sought routine, stability, and safety, all of which I could understand, given her history. She wasn't comfortable with late nights out on the town or ever changing schedules, and to my own surprise, it felt easy, even comforting, to adapt myself to Sasha's preferences. I wasn't bored or restless, like I would have thought. Almost anything could feel special, if I did it with Sasha.

Soon my days began to look more similar to each other than not, and Sasha became a part of most of my activities. We had coffee together in the mornings, went to work and school, and texted each other updates of our days before coming home to hang out together in the evening. I switched my jogging time to evenings, when Sasha was usually doing her homework or studying. Weekends we went on low-key outings together, when both of us weren't working.

As for the rest of our evening activities, well, let's just say, it was never necessary for Sasha to buy her own bed. Mine was plenty big enough for the both of us, and we both spent a lot of time together in it.

I soon learned, just by our time together and the conversations we had, just how much Sasha had never experienced in her life. There were so many things I took for granted as regular, unremarkable childhood experiences that to Sasha, were fully new and sometimes challenging. One day inspiration struck me, and after I spent some time jotting down a necessary list, I knew then that I had a new focus to direct energy and enthusiasm towards. I was going to take Sasha on mini field trips at least a few times a week, teaching her everything she had never had a chance to learn and taking her everywhere she had never been able to go.

For the next few months, I spent time seeing normal activities through Sasha's eyes, and it felt like they were new and exciting for me again too. I took her to the zoo and to bars, to sing karaoke and out for sushi or to do her nails. I taught her how to ride a bike and how to roller skate, although she was so horrible at the latter that she could barely go forward a few feet without me holding onto her arm to keep her upright. With me helping her, Sasha learned how to swim, badly but efficiently enough to satisfy me, how to shoot a basket, and we started working on teaching her how to drive, even though she technically didn't even have a learner's permit.

I watched as Sasha became more confident in herself, loving the way her eyes would light up with new understanding or in pleasure at learning a new skill. I glowed every time Sasha finally achieved after an initial struggle, feeling the same rush of pleasure and delight that shone out of her smile. I started to feel that maybe there was something in this that I could direct elsewhere in my life. I was hardly about to go back to school, but teaching skills, helping people- maybe this was something I could use in other ways too. Maybe this was something that could drive my life forward, something to give it meaning, clichéd as that might be.

It was a simple memory, and a very simple day. But my favorite lesson with Sasha was the day she climbed her first tree.

88

"I don't know," Sasha hedged, her mouth turned down at the corners with her uncertainty. "I really don't know if I can, Caitlin."

"Of course you can," I encouraged her, nudging my shoulder playfully against hers. "It's not hard, four year old kids do it like it's nothing. And I'll help you if you need it."

"But it's so high up there, Caitlin." Sasha's hand crept into mine, her fingers cold and somewhat clammy despite the warmth of the sun overhead. "You know what a klutz I am, what if I get stuck and can't come down? Or what if I fall?"

"You won't fall," I reassured her, squeezing her hand, then taking it between both of mine and rubbing it to try to warm her fingers. "I won't let you. And you won't get stuck. Come on, Sash, put on your adventure face and give it a try. One more item to cross off the list of first time experiences, that will be like five or six in one day!"

"People will look at me," Sasha mumbled, but I could tell from her half-hearted tone and the way her eyes trailed up the length of her newest challenge that I was already swaying her. "They'll want to know what kind of crazy woman I am, acting like some kind of zoo creature or eight year old boy."

"Sasha, we have literally spent the whole morning acting like a zoo creature or an eight year old boy," I pointed out, snickering. I spread my arm out, gesturing, to encompass the entirety of our surroundings. "We're at a playground. Made for children. With objects intended for climbing, to the point that they are actually named monkey bars and jungle gyms. You got over people looking at you then, and you'll get over anyone looking at you now. Besides, once you get started they probably won't even notice or see you anymore."

As an afterthought, I reminded her, "Besides, I doubt you could do anything now to make people stare at you as much as they would have when you had another person attached to you."

Sasha's head turned away from meeting my eyes, but not quickly enough for me to miss the way her jaw trembled briefly before setting firm again. Her hand loosened, almost pulling entirely from the grasp of my fingers.

I felt like an ass as soon as my own words reeled through my mind for a second time. Letting go of her hand, I put my fingertips very lightly against her cheek, softening my voice.

"Sorry, pretend I didn't say that. That was a Callous Caitlin Comment, I accept responsibility for any shoves or slaps you want to direct my way as my penance."

"No, you won't get off that easily," Sasha returned, her mouth slowly resurrecting her smile. "I'll just let karma do its thing, that's probably far more entertaining."

"Ouch, that is truly frightening." I put a hand to my chest in mock fear. "Karma, even more of a bitch than I am."

Sasha's shoulders rolled back, her chin tilted up, and her hazel eyes took on the shimmer of determination I had come to anticipate and enjoy.

"You know what, karma owes me a whole hell of a lot by now. You're right, I'm doing this. This tree is going down."

She paused, tilting her head with slight awkwardness as she reconsidered her phrasing. "Well, actually, I guess the tree is staying put, and I'm going up. Up the tree. Which is how I'm taking it down, metaphorically. By climbing it."

I blinked, momentarily lost in this rabbit trail of Sasha's thinking, then burst out laughing. Sasha smiled, self-conscious but genuine, as I shook my head, then knelt, putting my hands together for her to step into.

"That's the spirit. Step on my hands. I'm going to give you a boost up as a head start, then you pull yourself up and into the first branch while I keep bushing and hold you steady."

"Step on your hands?" Sasha questioned with some concern, squinting down at them with. "Won't I be too heavy for you?"

"Please, you weigh about five pounds. I could pick you up and throw you into the closest branch if I wanted to, but that would mean you couldn't actually claim the experience of having climbed a tree. So get to it, Lightweight. Foot, meet hands."

After a few moments of further hesitation, Sasha finally lifted her left foot and tentatively placed it in my hand, balancing awkwardly on her weaker left foot. I steadied her, then eased her up towards the thickness of the tree's trunk, enough so she could grasp the lowest of the sturdier beginning branches.

"All right, wrap your arms around the branch, and pull up while I push up," I instructed, holding her up about level with my chest. "Swing your right leg up and over the branch. Come on, Sash, you got this!"

After a few minutes of struggle, Sasha managed to straddle the tree limb, then scoot herself against the trunk for further sturdiness and safety. She was slightly breathless and red in the face, but she had gotten up there, mostly on her own, and I grinned up at her in reaction to her glowing expression.

"I did it, Caitlin! Look, I'm up, I've climbed a tree!"

"And the jungle gym, and the biggest slide, and the monkey bars," I reminded her. "Congratulations, Sasha Thomas, you have completed another must-do of childhood fun. Scoot in more, I'm coming up behind you."

I used my upper body strength and my feet against the tree's trunk to pull myself up after her, climbing up to the branch a few feet over from her first and testing the strength of the branch Sasha was perched on with my foot. She gasped, wrapping her arms around its trunk as though I were going to punt her to the ground, and I laughed, giving the branch another push.

"Don't worry, I'm just seeing if it will hold us both, and it's all good. That tree's been here through god knows what sort of natural disasters for the last two hundred years, I think it can handle a little weight from my ass."

Sasha chuckled, but nevertheless relaxed her hold around the tree's trunk. I stretched my legs out and awkwardly slid myself down onto the branch beside her, secretly relieved when it did indeed hold firm under my added weight. Giving her a smile, I nodded in the direction of the view before us. It definitely was improved when seen from a heightened position.

"Here we are, Sash. You have officially climbed a tree and stand on a higher surface than all others in the playground. Look over your new conquered kingdom and enjoy."

Her features shifted, softening, as she took in what I had referenced, and her lips curved in a gentle smile of contentment. When I slid an arm around her waist, she leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder as we continued to look past the leaves and branches to observe the mostly oblivious people below us. The weather had not yet grown warm enough for the leaves to change color, let alone dry up and fall to the ground, and we were well hidden from the view of most people who might look up in our direction. I had chosen this particular tree for that purpose, so that once I got Sasha up inside it, she would feel more secure to remain there as long as she might want to.

We watched without speaking or feeling the need to, just enjoying the each other and our closeness as we shared another of Sasha's firsts together. The smell of freshly cut grass and Sasha's shampoo filled my nose, and I breathed it in, wanting to commit the small details of the moment into my memory forever. I focused on the worn material of her hoodie under my fingers, the faint shiver she gave now and then as she pressed close, seeking warmth from me, and I kissed her forehead on impulse, a swell of affection for her settling around my heart and filling my chest.

Sasha smiled up at me, covering my fingers at her waist with her free hand and tracing circle over my skin. Beneath us, children ran and yelled and climbed with abandon, confident in their skills. They were showed joyful lack of hesitation in using every playground item Sasha had just braved for the first time. It could have been a moment of bitterness, for Sasha had never had the chance to be one of those carefree, happy children, free to play without concern, but I felt only satisfaction. She might have been late to the game, but my mission of letting Sasha have a normal childhood had been successful, and this was one more destination completed.

Ridiculous as it sounded, to have a date at a playground, it was difficult to remember the last time I'd had so much fun. Then again, I'd probably felt the same way about my last "childhood" date with Sasha, and in all the other ones too. Still, how often did you get to watch a nineteen-year-old go down a twenty foot slide, eyes screwed shut in fear, for the first time? How many people got to see the adorable frustration the same nineteen-year-old showed in trying to learn to properly swing, how to time when to push her legs forward and when to push them back? Who else got to hold their girlfriend around the waist, supporting her lack of upper body strength, as she shakily propelled herself across the monkey bars for the first time?

Every time Sasha beamed, exhilarated and sometimes surprised at a new accomplishment or experience, I felt more excited for her than I ever felt towards myself. I've always been a sort of cynical person, free with criticisms, skepticism, and an abundance of sarcasm ever ready at my disposal. But it was hard to be that way around Sasha for very long, not when she turned that smile towards me or said my name with a sort of verbal caress I had never heard from anyone else.

Men say all kinds of shit to each other about the girls in their lives; seems to me like any time a dude is halfway decent to a woman, he stands a good chance of being accused of being "pussy-whipped." Hell, people can say whatever they want about me around Sasha, because it's probably true and I don't give a damn about it. All I care is they don't say anything against Sasha in the process.

Sasha squirmed slightly under my arm, shifting her weight on the tree. I felt her flinch and looked down at her with some concern, assessing her expression.

"You okay, Sasha? Not getting scared, are you?"

"No, I'm fine," she reassured me, but I could feel from the tension in her body that she was not being fully honest. I raised my eyebrow, and she smiled a little, relenting.

"Okay, I'm a little sore. But I don't want to get down yet, Caitlin, it's really nice up here. Peaceful. I'll be okay."

"Sit on my lap," I suggested. "See if that's more comfortable."

Sasha smirked at me, thinking at first and with good reason, this being me she was talking to, that I was giving innuendo. I lifted my hand in denial, shaking my head with a brief laugh.

"Nah, for real, Sash. It might help. I'll move to another branch, you scoot out further on this one, and I'll sit up against the trunk and help you settle back on me. Seriously, I'm not being an ass, I just want to help."

Sasha's brow wrinkled as she considered this, looking down at my legs doubtfully.

"The branch can hold us like that? I won't be too heavy for you?"

I snorted, rolling my eyes.

"The branch is holding us both just fine right now, we'll actually be less likely to have it break on us if we're both against the trunk. And you weigh about as much as a Barbie doll. I could bench press you, if I was inclined to be that butch."

When Sasha hesitated still, I softened my voice, met her eyes, and made sure she heard the seriousness of my words.

"I promise, Sasha, I would never let you fall."

She smiled back, tentative but trusting, and inclined her head in a slow nod. I pulled myself over to the next closest branch, waiting for her to shift herself as I had instructed to make room for me, then settled back against the trunk, pulling Sasha onto my lap and wrapping my arm around her, keeping her secure against my chest and stomach. Her heart beat a quick, erratic rhythm against my arm, but when I murmured reassurance in her ear, it gradually settled into a steady, calmer patter.

Her weight and warmth always felt comforting in my arms, almost an extension of myself. I was definitely way more aware of everything my body felt with Sasha's body against mine. Hugging her close to me, I kissed her ear, then her cheek, before I pressed a firmer, longer kiss against her lips. Sasha turned just enough so she could wrap an arm around my waist, her head tilting up to find my mouth again with hers when I started to break them apart, and kept me captive, swallowed me up within herself as she kissed me again.

When we broke apart to catch our breaths, Sasha was smiling widely, open and infectious. I smiled with her, then started to laugh in spite of myself. Sasha's smile slipped a notch, and she pursed her lips, eyes narrowing slightly.

"What? What's funny?"

"Nothing," I tried to shrug away the question, but another snickering outburst undermined me. As Sasha continued to stare at me, suspicious and self-conscious, I resigned myself to explaining my own ridiculous trail of thought.

"I was just thinking…you know that old kid song? We're literally carrying it out, at least the first step."

When Sasha showed nothing but continued confusion in her expression, I explained.

"Sasha and Caitlin, sitting in a tree….k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!"

Sasha shook her head, pinching my side lightly as though exasperated, but I didn't fail to notice she was smiling again, her features softened in relief that I was mocking my brain rather than her.

"So, you want to marry me, is that what you're trying to say here?" she said playfully. "Wow, Caitlin Bailey, you really do move in fast. Where did you hide the U-Haul?"

She giggled, nudging me with her elbow. "Wait a second, you didn't even hide it. It was right there from the start, when we moved in together. How did I miss the signs?"

I laughed with her, appreciating the joke and surprised she had even heard it before. Covering her knee with my hand, I squeezed it lightly as I answered.

"Huh, you caught me there. I don't know about marriage and babies, it probably isn't advisable for me to be responsible for a living human being when I can't even keep plants alive. But I guess I'm starting to understand a thing or two about love."

This was the first time I'd ever said the big L-word (and not the lesbian TV show version) to anyone, even in implication, to anyone other than Whitney. It was the first time I'd even had the thought in my head, and it was as new and surprising to me to hear coming out my mouth as it must have been to Sasha.

But I meant it. As soon as I heard the word out loud, even indirectly referencing Sasha, I knew that I didn't mean it quite as lightly as I had said it.

I would have thought that the first time I implied I loved someone, the word would stick in my throat and come out in stammers and stutters, or else it would boom large, loud, and threatening like some sort of cannon going off and blowing both me and the word's recipient apart. But I said the word as calmly and easily as any other, like it was just as unremarkable, like it had no potential to change everything in my life. I said it, and I realized then that it was true.

So I took a breath in, let it rush back out, and repeated myself, more firmly, and more clearly, so it's meaning could not be mistaken or misconstrued.

"Yeah, I guess I do know something about love…when I'm with you."

Sasha stilled, her hazel eyes shifting in hue as she watched me, carefully weighing my expression, her body motionless but not quite tense under my arm. Her face remained intense, her words slow and measured as she responded, her hand snaking over my arm before coming to rest over mine to twine her fingers together.

"Yes, I think you do," she said quietly, and I let out another relieved exhalation at her acceptance and belief. "And…and…I guess I know something now too. About love…when I'm with you."

Even before she tilted her face up towards me, closed her eyes, and carded her fingers through my hair to pull me close, even before our lips met again, I could feel the truth of it, vivid, full, and encompassing within my heart. I loved Sasha. She was the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, marriage and babies or not. None of that mattered. Nothing else could matter, as long as Sasha and I were together.

This was the first day that I knew I loved Sasha, the first time she had the courage and confidence to tell me that she loved me. It was also the last day I remember being truly happy.