The monotony of life is tedious. The same motions over and over every single day over and over is tiring. The same patterns are constantly on repeat. Sounds are dull, food is flavorless, touch is unfeeling, and sight is blurry. Emotions are nonexistent, in place of them is a numbness that consumes me. The world is constantly changing yet I am unmoving. I have no appetite, yet this all consuming hunger overcomes me. Eating everything around in order to attempt to fill this endless void inside me, however nothing ever seems to satiate it. My brain is in constant pain, or filled with cotton balls and clouds. When I think, there are constant echoes of the words that pass through my head. The facial expressions I wear are a mimicry of what I see on others everyday. No one knows, no one cares. There are days I break down in laughter of how pathetic I am, I shed tears to fill this emptiness inside of me with something… anything. Some days are better however. I'm able to crack a real smile, laugh for real. Other days I am covered by shadows, unable to be seen. The word passes me by as if I never really mattered at all. I often wonder if there will be something better after death, or if I will be comforted by the embrace of nothing at all. The truth though, overall, is that I want to die, but I am far too cowardly to do so. Death is inevitable, and when my time comes I like to think that I will be ready for it.
My world revolves around me, I am an incredibly selfish individual, but I tuck it deep down and try to be as charitable and nice as possible to others, because I know, that not even I am deserving of my own attention. Others may joke around with me and say they hate me in jest, I always laugh. No one could ever hate me more than I hate myself. Sometimes I wonder why I do, at first I start with the physical reasons: my thick thighs, fat stomach, sunken in eyes, big nose, thin lips, the list could go on. After that I move on to the internal: my craving to be loved willingly, and unconditionally. My skin crawls whenever someone touches it, but in some sick kind of juxtaposition my deepest desire is to just be held by someone whom I love enough, and am comfortable enough with to not have that feeling overtake me. I want to be someone's number one priority. I want to be loved. This is what makes me selfish. This is what makes me hate myself. I know that this will never be reality, because who could ever love me.
I despise when others call themselves ugly, because they could never know the reality of it. They can never truly understand how it is to be so ugly inside and out, that it could truly make them hate themselves. Reality is that they seek the validation of others to be fulfilled, in this way they are like me. However validation will never fulfill me, this darkness inside of me eats words and twists them into bitter thoughts that try to break me. Everything is constantly too much, yet somehow it is never enough. This saddened numbness burns. It screams to be released. On days it can really get to me. I do what this twisted evil thing inside wants of me… I break. I scream my lungs out and cry until my eyes are dry. Sometimes it lasts for minutes and other times it lasts for hours, but no matter what nothing ever changes, it will always feel like days. I feel like a glass constantly being filled. It will be fine for a while, but eventually it will overflow.
I feel like a paradox, constantly presenting one face to others, while having another while I am alone. To others I am a fun loving, often talkative being, who is a good listener. Alone I am completely silent, unmoving, uncaring, utterly and completely apathetic. This deep Void within me is hungry, and will often try to consume me. My willpower to fight it is paper thin, one good jab is enough to destroy it. One word, one stray thought, one knowing look is enough to send me into a downward spiral. The Void will come out and surround me completely, letting nothing into my soul besides suffering and sadness. I scream into the Void begging to be let out, in turn it sends my way every bad memory it can dredge up from the recesses of my mind. The screams that rip my throat into shreds turn into shaking sobs that leave my face blotted red, and eyes almost swollen shut. The Void is unmoving, expressionless, and emotionless. However it seems to almost have a cheshire grin, it drinks my tears and eats my screams happily. My sadness nourishes this being that lurks behind my eyes, inside my brain. Even when I'm at my most happy, this vicious being lurks in the corners of my mind. It shows itself every time I close my eyes, appears in all the shadows of the world around me. My brain plays tricks on me constantly and I can't believe that the world around me is reality.
This stress that I feel is consuming, it's like the twin of the void inside of me. It lives in my head and reaches it's long gangly arms down so that its hands can squeeze around my lungs and my heart. It makes my breaths shallow, and my heart ache. The way its breath tickles my brain fills me with anxiety, my mind unable to think. It is debilitating, thoughts of importance float away and become meaningless. The only thing that matters is this stress. It leaves me perpetually paralyzed towards everything of importance, and in turn multiplies and worms itself further into my sense of self. It is this poltergeist of my personality that I only seem to feed no matter what I do.