So this chapter was not written by me, it was written by Zel except we co-wrote the scenes we had together and I wrote my own actions and dialogue~
"Alright already," Zel grumbled, throwing a butter-filled sock at her alarm clock. The glowing green digits reading three a.m.
Zel often woke hours before school to ensure time to read her favorite vampire lemons. If she was feeling ambitious, she would refill her ancient knee socks with fresh cat breast milk butter. It was locally sourced from her male cat, Omruf.
Walking on her hands rather than her feet- yes, her reverse squats she often did to apologize to Mr. Baldy has given her immense upper body strength -she made her way to her kitchen. Laying on the couch, being a massive left buttcheek, was her brother Hugh Janus. Who in his half asleep state was singing "I AM THUNDER RECTUM" to the chorus of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man." Gremlin Mother sat sipping copious amounts of coffee with a massive rat named Mega Choker in her lap.
Zel ignored her odd family as she frosted her Toaster Strudel with her toes, and prayed to the godly beaning burns that she had cleaned the butter from between her toes the night before. She then proceeded to get dressed in dress pants and a tank top. Since she had little boobage to show, she had to show some arm skin, just because screw the dress code; she was Lady Zel. She pulled on seven pairs of boots, because burns know she didn't enjoy fueling the foot fetish that ran rampant in ProteinHole High School home of the not-quite-blue, slightly agitated wind circles. And because she thought if she dressed edgy she may attract a rare wild vampire boy, Zel put on a cape instead of a jacket.
Just then, her bus pulled up in front of her house. Instead of using the door, she quickly lunged through her bedroom window. To make sure she wasn't one of those nerds who just jumped out of their window without making explosion noises with their mouth, she made sure to make some of those. Hugh Janus, like a major nerd, twerked through the garage door. He didn't even dab while he did it. Seriously, how was a girl to survive this weird family?
She promptly did the Macarena up the stairs, because that's what cool people do...right? She army saluted her bus driver, Pizzaman Korb, and took her seat amongst her redneck neighbors who didn't understand how awesomely edgy she was.
Sitting in her bell one study hall, Zel was quite excited. She would get to see Goose Boi, one of the few attractive guys in ProteinHole. But for now, she was with a group of her friends in the middle of an Uno match to the death. The loser had to be cheek clapped by THeeeeeku Neeeiku. So she sat in intensely focused as Fries, Annabeth, Heko and RollerCoaster Bro each laid down their cards.
"For the love of burns!" Zel exclaimed as she was forced to draw sixty-nine cards.
"Watch your profanity," Annabeth cut in, doing a Captain America impression. Ugh, who likes that guy, Zel thought.
"Potatoes," Fries chimed in, spinning in their chair.
"Potatoes! Hit the floor, we're being bombed," RollerCoaster screamed, dropping his phone and throwing his body to the floor. He quickly began to flop like a dying fish before passing out because of how hot Zel's boots looked up close.
"Idiots," Heko muttered, placing a BTS card on the pile instead of a Uno Card.
"Heko, that's legal! Uno is French," Annabeth interjected.
"Uno is Spanish," proclaimed Heko.
"Spanish! The Spanish are coming because they are angry the burns beaned!" Zel screamed dropping to the floor, rolling in the fetal position. Her cape flapping wildly in the wind that suddenly appeared in this room.
"What, the burns! Not the burns." Fries and Annabeth also tumbled to the floor, Fries shooting potatoes out of his ears, making Roller Coaster cry.
"I'm not getting on the floor. If I die, I die a K-pop fan," Heko stated.
"Wait. I thought you were already dead. You're so pale….aaaaAaaaaaA Heko is Albino."
Zel strutted into physics, her many boots thudding when they hit the floor. Her cape was now flopped over her eyes so she could not see. Goose Boi glanced up at her for a second, making her trip over her teacher, Mrs. Unlock, one of the few nice teachers in ProteinHole High School. She then sat next to Stickbutt, one of Thiccccccu Neeeeeeeiku's annoying classmates. Next, Rnay came in squatting in complete synchronization with Friggin Limms, screaming "Protein!" Both of them were part of Mr. Baldy's gaggle of football nerds.
"Now get with a partner we're doing review questions!" Mrs. Unlock called, poking a flying pig with a meter stick, trying to measure circular acceleration.
Zel scooted over to sit next to Kuruisuten-chan, who was playing Minecraft on her graphing calculator with one hand while drawing homoerotic images of Kim Jong Un and Joseph Stalin in her notebook with her other.
"Hey Kuruisuten-chan, do you want to work together?" Zel asked, sitting on her boots to show dominance of Friggin Limms and Rnay, who were walking her way.
"Sure." Kuruisuten-chan promptly jumped out of her chair doing the Macarena. Clearly that dance must be cool, if she's doing it.
The worst bell of Zel's day was three. It was the devil's number after all…maybe. Gym was terrible. Mrs. Butthout didn't understand Zel's hatred of sweating on her cape. She couldn't ever make her vampire fetish dreams real if she couldn't attract vampires with her sexy cape. That, and she wasn't allowed to wear her many boots. How was she going to defend herself from those with the foot fetish now? It really was a growing problem.
Holy Beans, Theeeku Neeiku bushed through the gym doors disco dancing to the beat of his clapping cheeks...which weirdly enough sounded like the melody from Gangnam Style. Mrs. Butthout looked confused, giving Zel ample time to pick up a bowling ball with her incredibly strong toes- butter socks did her good -and throw it at Mrs. Butthout's chesticles. She cried out in pain and suddenly Landy hit the floor screaming potatoes. She was still having PTSD from that intense Uno game. Though, Zel had to admit, it was truly intense. Rollercoaster dude had resorted to drinking some questionable koolaid to forget his troubles.
Suddenly, a freshman boy named Hubris ran in from Mr. Booran's class carrying a kick ball. He quickly threw it at Zel's face, clearly mistaking her for a corn stalk. She promptly caught it with her thick thighs- not as thicc as Neeiku's but...still, pie does that to a girl -and began to Kame Ha Me Ha it back at him Super Saiyan style. She knew that her brother's weird Dragon Ball Hentai video games would do her good one day.
Next was Economics with Mr. Baldy, a class that was completely and totally bland. She blamed the endless harem of football nerds that followed Mr. Baldy, mixed with the concept of the "Law of Supply." The only perk, well besides an excuse to listen to Powerwolf in the middle of the school day, was when her breasted friend, FuturisticVampire would come in from her study hall. Vamp not only was the most punk girl in the school, who wore multiple pairs of sunglasses, and a fedora with a cowboy hat, but she also made economics fun, sitting between Hentai-loving Thoams and Zel.
Vamp squatted on her desk. "Protein, Zel."
"Yes, beans have protein. Now don't be like Baldy's harem of football nerds." Zel began to dab uncontrollably, unable to sit still for long periods of time.
Vamp was lucky enough to possess an incredible talent for balance, which was the only thing allowing her to squat on her desk for long periods of time. However, with Zel hitting the desk with her vigorous dabbing, she promptly fell.
"Vamp, are you alright? You didn't make an explosion sound when you fell. Are you sure you're not catching jock nerd disease from all of the squats?"
Vamp made a farting noise with her sweaty armpits. "Kyaaaaaaa~"
"Holy beans! You scared the burns right out of me. Perhaps you should start doing reverse squats instead."
"Andapilosis." She rolled underneath Thoams' desk to avoid Mr. Baldy's toxic masculinity and then immediately regretted it. One should never roll under the desk of a man watching hentai.
"Vamp! Noooooo! Don't be tainted by such sights!" Zel screamed, slithering out of her chair to save Vamp.
Vamp's many sunglasses were horrified. "Please god forgive my sins before I die today."
Zel slid on her back, her cape somehow defying gravity and the laws of wind and flapping as she approached Vamp. She quickly yanked her to safety, remembering Vamp's awful allergy to non-homoerotic actions.
"I have sinned," she whispered, fedora spinning.
"I mean...at least it was to some homo hentai." Zel gave an awkward smile and shrugged.
The principal, Mrs. Buttcheekassface, tried to burst through the door. She was too stupid to realize that the door was locked and knocked herself out. Nobody cared.
"Are the Spanish coming for me!" Zel shouted, diving under Mr. Baldy's desk.
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Vamp jumped up, brandishing a feathered quill as a spear.
"All because of my beaning burns offended them." Zel squeaked from under the desk, eliciting many odd looks from the protein-driven football nerd harem. Or maybe their ball senses picked up a missed touchdown somewhere on the other side of the world.
"Vamp, save my soul!"
Vamp scoffed. "It's not my fault you decided to dive under the teacher's desk, but I digress."
With her feathered spear, Vamp fought off the harem to Andrew Jackson Jihad's People: The Reckoning II in an epic battle to save Zel from pedos.
Just like that, the class returned to their seats like nothing had happened. Zel and Vamp continued a normal conversation, with the Spaniards slain and pedos guillotined.
"Babylonian kidnapping of the Pope," Vamp mused, reading off a history homework paper.
"Wait! Back bologna of the throat? What!" Zel's face scrunched in confusion.
"Holy shit!" Thaoms looked over, finally interested in something other than porn. "That's my favorite porn star!" Or not.
"How kinky," Zel mused between her excessive bursts of laughter. She obviously was still stuck on the back bologna.
"Guys, please be quiet," ordered Culas Saecer. "Economics is very fascinating. I am a capitalist pig love me."
Zel just kept laughing about back bologna and turtle rectum boobs.
"Where the fuck did you get rectum boobs from?" Vamp's sunglasses narrowed. "We haven't gotten to that part of our lives yet."
Which is more impressive, Vamp's mind reading powers, or Zel's ability to see into the future?
Or Thoams' ability to break the fourth wall?
Thoams winked at the reader.
Suddenly the bell rang. Zel scrambled to her feet, her boots clapping on the floor like Neeiku's cheeks on his piano...and violin...and...each other.
They both decided to skip their fifth bell and attend violin lessons~!
"Vamp would you would never miss your homoerotic action with Kurusutin, though!"
"No, it's alright, because both Heko and Kurusutin-tan are coming with us~!"
"Wait what if Neeeiku shows up? And starts doing his buttcheek vibrato to Symphony No. 69?"
"I think Heko would not enjoy that."
"Just don't bring up the Kpop. It brings back bad memories of an intense Uno match...to the death!"
Vamp's cowboy hat jumped onto Zel's cape. "Okay."
"Ahhhhhhhh!" Zel exclaimed. "The Spaniards are attacking my sexy cape!" She dropped to the floor, convulsing wildly in fear. "How will I attract a harem of wild vampires now?"
Suddenly, Vamp's breasts sensed something very sexy. She became excited, thinking Kuruisutin was near, but then realized that they were sensing themselves.
"I just killed your hat...how did that get there?" Zel looked puzzled, cocking her head to the side.
Vamp collapsed. "My awesome Punk Brother gave me that hat," she sobbed. "It's not his fault he jumps off my fedora, he's just allergic to the mafia."
Zel got to her knees, trying to comfort her breasted friend. "I'm so sorry. Will you ever be able to forgive me?"
"Thou art evil!" Vamp exclaimed, rising. "The God of Punk Otakus has forsaken thee now!" She ran off, directly into a pair of massive bozangas.
Emo Richk came around the corner, eyes wide at the scene of the bozanga crash. Zel, knowing she should be in his class, hid under her cape making crashing noises with her mouth.
Under the impression that it was Kuru's bozangas, Vamp was very happy to stay underneath them. Unfortunately, as she opened her eyes, she saw that it was not the case. Tears of disappointment began to well in her eyes as she looked up to see none other than Boobs Mackenzie. Her heart was filled with despair and rage. She looked from the bozangas, to Richk, to the shivering ball of a cape on the floor.
"QUICK, GET UNDER THE CAPE!" Zel shouted.
Unfortunately, in covering Vamp with the cape, she also covered Boobs Mackenzie. Vamp screamed and kicked her away, and she flew thirty feet and into RikHc.
"Run for your life!" Zel and Vamp ran to the orchestra room before their copious amounts of sunglasses and edgy boots could be identified.
Out of breath, Zel slumped down into a plastic chair, cradling her knees to her chest. The chair broke beneath her. She cried out in surprise, her mind still too focused on emo Rikch and the sheer amount of boobiness she had been faced with. She was not a homosexual, unlike Vamp, and it scared her greatly.
Heko burst through the door, carrying her violin over her shoulder. "Say hello to my little friend," she said in a deep voice.
Zel fell over crying under her cape, this was too much for her little vampire lemon reading heart to take.
Kuruisutin-tan came calmly through the door in all her impish, queenly grace. Vamp would have been filled with ecstasy, but her constant fantasization had reminded her that she would never be as close to Kuru's bozangas as she had been to Boobs Mackenzie's.
"Vamp! Is the coast clear?" Zel squeaked, backing under a table like a cockroach crawling into a crack.
Vamp was hiding into a crack of her own beneath Kuru. "Yes, I think so, but if we get expelled in the next hour, don't hold me to those words."
Suddenly, Once I was Seven Years Old began to play over the loudspeaker. All of them except Heko began to clutch their ears between their thighs. For this one occasion, Zel would rather be crushed by Neeiku's Thiccness than listen to such musical travesty.
"shitfucknosihitfucknoshitfucknoSHITFUCKNOSHIT FUCK NO!" Vamp's mutterings of madness grew in volume as she rocked back into Kuru.
Heko, a pop fanatic, was not bothered. She headbanged and played a violin accompaniment. Zel shivered at the thought of Heko and her Shawn Mendes fanfiction.
Vamp shuddered for different reasons as she thought of her fanfiction with Kuru. Vamp was calming herself by imagining herself as an anime character. Zel's mind obviously was drifting to the vampires to calm her fear of being attacked once more.
Kuru didn't need calming. She was always calm, no matter the circumstance.
"Chicken Strips!" Zel screamed. Her stomach growled loudly from under her table. Only her hair peeking out.
"Massive Knockers!" Kurusutin shouted, knowing Vamp's moan would be loud enough to break the speakers.
"Chicken strips made of massive chicken knockers!" Heko pitched in, nose deep in fanfic about musicians no one else in the room liked.
With the speakers broken, the lessons could finally commence.
"AlrighT KIDS ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!" Alialy burst through the door of her office. The orchestra room suddenly turned into a wrestling arena.
Vamp cracked her knuckles. "Finally, a chance to wrap my arms around Kuru."
Zel dove out from under an announcers' table, looking confused as always. "Go Vamp!" She cheered, unaware that she was Heko's first target.
"Zel, it's on for giving me that draw 110 card last Monday!" Heko screeched, diving onto Zel with such force, the announcers' table exploded.
"Holy Burns!" She screeched in pain, her chest now flatter than it was before.
Vamp was very good at wrestling. She leapt at Kuru, but Kuru was much better. As with many things. She squatted, and Vamp sailed over her and out of the ring. Kuru climbed the ropes, cheering to the audience before spearheading Vamp.
"Woooooohhoooooo!" Zel cheered, still slightly concussed from Heko's surprise attack.
Vamp pretended that her cry was from pain. An anime blush was on her cheeks as Kuru embraced her in a headlock. She could think of no better way to die than to be suffocated by Kuru's thighs.
Zel let out a surprised cry as Heko began to drag her into the ring by her ankles while Alialy played aggressive cello music in the centre. Theeku Neeiku, who had appeared out of nowhere, joined in with the Jaws theme on piano, his cheeks slapping the keys violently, and his thighs playing Symphony No. 420 on the violin. He let out a shrill cry in some violent semblance of song that could have been the Boku no Hero Academia theme or Rage Against the Machine, for all Zel could tell.
Out of nowhere, Chandrew burst in, singing Rump Shaker, the bell going off in the background.
"YEAH, TOAST!" shouted Vamp, still blissfully imprisoned. The arena then changed back into the orchestra room, Alialy bowing deeply to all competitors.
"You have all gained ten experience from your battle."
"Tch." Heko crossed her arms crossly. "This loot system sucks."
"Am I safe?" Zel whimpered.
Annabeth appeared in the doorway, her eyes turning to a flaming inferno of rage as they settled upon Chandrew. Her oldest enemy.
Zel took in a deep breath of relief as Heko walked from the room with Annabeth. Safe at last...but...then again, there was Chandrew now.
"HELLO HOW ARE YOU DOING, ZELLA AND FUTURRRR?!" he screamed, fidget spinner on Zel's edgy necklace. Vamp tackled him.
"That's Lady Zel to you." Her eyes narrowed, all of her fear turning translating into the rage of a thousand beaning burns from hell.
"And it's FuturisticVampire to me, fuckface." Vamp held him in a chokehold much less sexy than Kuru's.
Zel began to sing SOAD's Revenga highly out of tune as she joined Vamp in elbowdropping and roundhouse kicking Chandrew into oblivion.
Zel and Vamp began to squat in victory. "Protein!" they screamed at his bleeding body. Crap, they were beginning to sound like the Harem of football nerds. They needed to go do something more intellectual. Like wrestle for violin points. Or read some solid Lemons. Hee. Or draw fanart of hawt demon men, such as Mephisto FUcking Pheles, Vamp's personal favorite.
"Deus Vult!" They pointed their bows in the air as the march towards the stage began.
"In nomine mater Maria, necromentum!" Vamp declared.
"In Maria's Rectum?" Zel rose a brow, continuing to march like a badass with her cape and multiple boots.
"Yes, that is exactly what I said." Vamp Naruto ran the remaining distance to her seat. "SANGUINE SANCTUS!"
Zel lunged into the air, before walking on her hands to her chair, her violin and bow resting between her thighs. Because...where else does one keep her violin?
Vamp's violin and bow were in their proper place, thank you very much, balanced vertically on her fedora.
And, well, Thiccu Neeiky, who was creepily talking to Little Miss ASsHoLe, had his clasped firmly in his thiccness. Which thiccness he chose was different every time.
Suddenly Zel set her violin in her chair and Chandrew appeared in the doorway. This kid just didn't quit. She promptly began to rave, doing the macarena. Quickly Vamp joined with violent punk headbanging, Heko flossed, Annabeth tapdanced, and even the teacher joined in on this action, absolutely shredding Twinkle Little Star on the cello.
Chandrew was obliterated by the sheer level of awesomeness that the Orchestra possessed and vaporized into a pile of nerd.
Suddenly, Beef Jerky popped out from behind the fire curtain on the stage, his bad hoop earring bringing back chemistry class PTSD. Vamp collapsed from all the terrible images,
Zel promptly swan dove from the stage, forgetting that she wasn't a vampire, and that it would actually hurt when she landed.
Vamp woke from her momentary coma, and threw a music stand at Beef Jerky. "I PASSED THE REGENTS WITH A 68 AND YOU WILL NEVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!"
Mind swimming from her even greater concussed state, Zel stared up at the LED stage lights above her. "Sexy vampire men, come save me!." she muttered incoherently. "Beaning Back Bologna."
"No, Zel, stay with us!" Vamp leapt off the stage, landing gracefully on her face beside Zel.
"Shu, is that you?" Zel whispered between coughs. "You are the only angel i believe in. A pervy, lazy, vampire angel."
"No, I'm Mephisto! Can't you tell by the purple bangs?" Vamp yelled through tears. She flipped off Beef Jerky, who was currently unconscious from a music stand that Heko had thrown because Vamp was bad at aiming. "THIS IS WHAT YOUR STUPID CHEMISTRY VIBES DO TO US!"
"Mephisto? Huh?" Zel mumbled.
"They're serving sweet potato fries today at lunch," Heko called, still not rising from her chair nor looking up from her phone.
"Sweet potato fries!" Zel Jumped up from the floor, her head swimming. Thinking she saw a vampire at the back of the auditorium, she continued to walk forward, collapsing in a chair. "Fudge. Cruel world. I thought I finally got my first addition to my vampire harem. Hmph." She crossed her arms over her chest, pouting.
Vamp jumped onto the stage. Since Alialy was still in her own world of metal classical music, she decided to conduct the orchestra. She'd done a three-day unit on conducting last year in music theory, so she reasoned she could do it.
She could not. Zel clapped regardless, clearly not understanding music even in a sound-minded state.
When the song had finished five separate times in each part of the orchestra, Vamp bowed deeply to Zel's applause. However, Zel wasn't the only one clapping (besides Thikku's massive cheeks every time he moved- that had become white noise to everyone in the school). As everyone twisted their heads without their bodies to look, Mrs. Milliaws was clapping frantically in the doorway.
"Shia Labeouf!" Zel screamed. "The real life cannibal!"
"Shut up!" someone from the orchestra called back. It was quickly identified to be Chandrew's ghost and exorcised.
"Annoying even in death, tch." Vamp, who had spent ungodly amounts of time watching both Blue Exorcist and Supernatural, had been the saviour.
Zel popped up once more. She raced to retrieve her violin. Vamp and Zel were just in time to play their weekly session of Fire in the Forge, in which they all played as aggressively as possible, as fast as possible. A few others joined, but they were soon lost in the blazing fire of majesty that was Vamp, Heko, and Zel's playing.
With that, the bell rang.
Ah...bell 7. Ceramics with Mr Klinfran, a man so old he belonged in a museum. Zel let out a sigh as she plopped down into her chair. She was too tired to continue to dab, and her head far too dizzy from the earlier abuse. At this time, Zel often crashed. Her morning of cowboy hat wearing fedoras, uno deathmatches and well just everything really drained her.
She drifted off to thoughts of Goose Bois deep brown eyes. It was unfortunate that such love between a boot wearing vampire girl and a goose boy with chest hair was so forbidden. But it would never be allowed. No matter how many syrup skipping knee biters she killed her fortune would never change.
Sighing dramatically she looked over her class. Ekim sat building a monument in Thiiccu's honor, whilst some creepy kid worked on his sculptor creating what could only be a replication of Zel's foot. Had her short time in gym really been enough to feul the fetish? Zel collapsed to the floor singing a song in tribute to the greatest man that had ever existed…a war hero so praised that his name shall never be forgotten. The guy from her bucket of friend chicken. Fried chicken man was the only nationalist that she could accept. Even though chicken is her least favorite vegetable.
She whimpered looking up at the bell. It would be another 30 minutes before she could reunite with her vampire lemons. They were the only things that kept her sane in this crazy world. That and the fact that lizard people would take over one day and destroy the Church of Bulges in a fiery inferno of roast beef. That very action would liberate all of humanity from their fear of sexy anime body pillows. At least Zel had time build fish out of mud.
Zel flicked through page after page of vampire fiction on her school issued banana phone. Her head rested on her knee, which was made of many far smaller knees. She had ran into Goose Boi in the hall, which promptly scared her cape into hiding. So her shoulders were now very exposed, radiating the light of a thousand broken fishsticks. It was a sight so blinding that all of the Football Nerd Harem kids were fleeing to Mr. Baldy in fear.
Perhaps she would convert them to Buddhists after such a display. How? Well she didn't know. But those sexy shoulders would probably do it somehow. She face desked repetitively on her boots. She couldn't figure out if she was concerned or turned on and she hated it. She liked vampires but she was not a furry. Vampires with cat ears scared her almost as much as homoerotic actions and Heko's flaming furry did.
Behind her was the chatter of ErPark, an annoying little snot from her bus as well as Eloc who was doing a survey at his side. Neither of the two understood anything about class as they screamed poppycock. Little did they know that was the secret word from the bean gods meaning "I am a little weiner." Something that the reptile people found highly offensive and yet very arousing.
Zel shivered. This was a highly unfortunate study hall. She watched as the two little weiners threw paper planes made of canned span flew through the air, flopping wildly like two fish out of water. She couldn't help but think back to Neeku. She shook her head. Even though she was not homosexual she did not find any attraction to the theekness. Besides she only liked chest hair, not thick thigh hair.
She looked out the window of the windowless room, gazing upon what could have only been the late great Lord Cheesus the cheese wheel. She squinted. At it's side was the face of the Goose she had come to love. She screamed, "NOTICE ME SENPAI" unfortunately...it was Cheesus who noticed her. She couldn't stand him, great. She quickly hid under the table reciting her favorite song lyrics. "SO WHAT IF I SMELL LIKE ROAST BEEF THIS WHOLE PLACE SMELLS LIKE ROAST BEEF"
Cheessus terrified fainted, she would continue to be single. Her senpai would never notice her. With that she passed out next to Cheessus and promptly died from sexual frustration.