Date/Time: Friday 29th May 2020, 16:15
Update: I've made a new pillowbook because I've officially finished university! It just seems right because my last one was only focused on uni, even if I didn't add that many entries into it. It's got a cool name and it's from the title of the book I'm reading right now, which is by Nina Kenwood.
Location: My usual seat! Which is on my bed. Very boring and unoriginal.
Mood: I'm excited that I've finished uni and also very relieved. I struggled a lot with my mental health whilst I was at uni this semester so I really think I needed a break from life by having to be in lockdown and not having any responsibilities other than getting my dissertation done. And if you read my last pillowbook (Happiness is An Inside Job) you'll know that my dissertation was something I rushed at the last minute and finished in 2 days, handing it in 1 day before the deadline. I did consider emailing my uni about an extension because of my mental health and they're all being very lenient with stuff like that because of covid, but I honestly just wanted it done and I knew I could finish it, even if I didn't want to. Anyway, what a ramble - my point is, I'm so fucking relieved that that's done. Also, I'm going to Asda with my dad later which I'm looking forward to.
Listening To: The sounds of my neighbours in their back gardens, my mum doing stuff downstairs, my typing. I was listening to music just before I started writing this but I couldn't concentrate on typing and listening at the same time lol.
Event: I sent my dissertation to Lyn for her to read and have begged her not to give me feedback because I can NOT hear anything about it without feeling absolutely awful about myself and my work. Hopefully, she'll listen, which I'm sure she will. The only reason she wanted to read it is because she really loves history and knows quite a bit about Mao so wanted to see my perspective of stuff. I don't mind sending it to her to be honest.
Random Thing: I'm pretty sure I developed some sort of eating disorder in my last semester at uni. It sounds crazy. But I've never had a good relationship with food, thanks mainly to my mum I'm guessing. When I was a young teen, I developed a binge eating disorder which led me to put on quite a lot of weight and up until January, I always relied on food to comfort me when I felt angry, depressed, anxious or shit. In January, my friend Rhian said something awful to me ("I'm only happy with my weight because you're fatter than me, Megan") and since then, food has not been a good thing. Honestly, though, I'm happy about it. My other friend Ella has also been struggling with an eating disorder and we talked about it a lot. I hate to admit it but when I was at uni (Jan 31st - March 22nd), her not eating encouraged me not to eat and it ended up being that I lost 2 stone in that amount of time. I hadn't realised how much weight I lost even though Daisy and Ella told me. When I got home for lockdown to start, my mum said she was really proud of me for losing weight and asked how I did it. She thinks I used drugs, I know I starved myself, I told her and Lyn that I ate less and drank less alcohol.
But Now: I've found that whilst I don't find it anxiety-inducing to eat anymore (in those 2 months, I would cry, have panic attacks and make myself be sick), I find eating very inconvenient. I don't like it anymore. I think I like this because at least now I eat to live, I don't live to eat, which is what it got to at one point in my life. From January 31st to March 21st (which is 51 days), I missed 20 days of eating. So, I ate 31 meals in 51 days, when in 2019, I would have eaten at least 100 meals in 51 days. And on the days I did eat, it wasn't anything over 600 calories. It was bad. I know it was bad but I loved it. I kinda miss it. It was so easy to lose weight because I was so disgusted with myself if I ate. I also only ever ate 1 meal a day on the days I did eat. Most of the days that I ate, I did it for Daisy because I knew she was worried. Now, I can't do that. But I don't want to. I eat what I want but I eat healthily and I still don't eat more than about 1200 calories, if that. I wish I could get away with skipping lunch but my mum wouldn't let me I don't think. I think she half suspected that I was starving myself. In fact, she did ask me if I was skipping meals once when I was facetiming her because she thought I looked slimmer and I said: "Do I look like the type of person who skips meals?" (I was referencing being fat). She laughed and said no but little did she know...
Anyway: Enough about that, it's depressing and I'm better now. I needed a break from life.
I Want To: Chill out, do sudoku and watch the Skyrim LP that I've been a bit obsessed with despite never playing Skyrim.