Never enough

Warning: Some pretty deep thoughts about like suicide, so please don't read if this might trigger. Take care of yourself and thanks for reading.

Sometimes things go wrong. And there's nothing you can do to change it. And you have to be strong. But doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing. Sometimes doing the right thing makes someone hate you. If you want to make things right for someone- have the ability to make things right- you should do it. Even if they don't want you to. You have to do the right thing even if it means you choke on the pain of it. Even if it means you lose the trust of someone dear to you.

Right? Or wrong?

Do they have the right to decide even if it puts them in danger? Even it causes them more pain. Even if your inaction could means someone's death. What then? What do you do when someone comes to you asking, begging for help and you try and give it to them but it's not enough, it's never enough. You use your words to persuade them, to show them, why to live, how to live, you spin them lies and you ask for promises. And you get them. You get them and it works.

Until it doesn't.

Until it doesn't work and it wasn't enough, you were never enough. And you're angry. Angrier than you have ever been. And you are sad, torn apart by guilt and a longing for something you can never have again.
Something, you wonder if you ever had at all.

And you can't breathe, you don't tell anyone but you can't breathe and you are drowning. You're drowning under it all and people try to help but they can't make it stop and you don't want their help even though it's right. It's right but it's so hard and you want to end it because you didn't matter to the person who mattered to you most. You tried, god you tried but it was never enough and no matter what you do, no matter who you become, you will never be enough. Because you told them. You told them how much it would hurt you, how much you care, how much it would tear you apart. And they didn't listen, they never listen! And they caused it, it's their fault except it's not, it's yours because you're weak and all you want is out, so you go.

You go even though people say, please don't, I care for you, this'll tear me apart, because you don't listen, you never do! They must be lying, they are lying because you…

You are never enough and you never will be.

And the Cycle continues.