The Next Appearance
"Hey, you okay?" A hand waved in front of my face and I snapped out of my daze, looking directly into the face of my partner in math class. He grinned and pushed away some hair falling into his light hazel eyes, which I quickly averted to stare at the floor. When he smiled at me, my brain automatically decided to shut down in mild panic. Staring at this man was like staring into a blinding light- it was almost painful to look at someone that attractive.
Ignoring the severe quickening of my pulse, I cleared my throat. "Uh yeah sorry, just kind of in thought. Anyway, so we are meeting up tonight at eight to finish up this garbage assignment, right?"
"That's the plan." He stood up, preparing to leave. "I'll see you then". He stared at me one second longer than I expected before walking away, making full lingering eye contact. Was he maybe interested in me? That kind of body language has indicated this in the past with men. But the second that hopeful thought crossed my mind, an unwanted visitor materialized before me.
"Don't even think about it." The blonde bitch spoke with her usual lack of energy and monotonous tone. "He is so ridiculously out of your league, it's not even funny."
"What is funny is that you are super unoriginal. A hot girl bullying me is very overdone, and very high school. I'm in college now. Just because I am still high school ugly, doesn't mean that I'm not on the path to getting cuter. I'll be hot one day." I heaved a big sigh as I threw my homework into my bag, wishing that day were already here.
"I am only trying to provide you with realistic expectations here. Look at his face; now look at yours. Repeat that process with his body, and also remember that he is more or less tutoring you at this point. What exactly do you think you bring to the table here?" She raised an eyebrow and sat down at the empty desk in front of me while I froze in defeat, knowing she wasn't wrong.
"Okay, but attractive men have liked me in the past. So why would now be any different? Some men have very low standards, which is very fortunate for me. " I folded my arms, asserting back.
"Yes, I think it's a widely known rule that men overall have few standards, but those cases are still just flukes and you've been very lucky." She half shrugged at me in a Kanye West fashion.
"Lucky? I've been lucky to have hot guys attracted to me just so they can lie and mess with my feelings only to leave when they decided they've had an adequate amount of sex and fun?" I could feel my indignation rise and my cheeks start to flush with anger. "Even if I am as unattractive as you say, being ugly is still no reason to deserve that kind of treatment, just because the men in question are hot. What the hell is wrong with you?" I stopped for a moment. What the hell is wrong with me if this person is some part of my fucked up psyche?
"Ahem". My math professor cleared his throat. "I can see you're clearly going through something here, but I've actually got to head out of here now to pick up the dinner my wife ordered. You coming out?" He gestured to the open door next to him.
My face became very warm again, for a different yet very obvious reason and I sputtered, "So, so sorry sir." I power walked out of there like a middle-aged woman, and I could hear him call out, "Hey don't worry about it, take care of yourself!"
Still essentially running away at this point, I can feel myself hating this bitch exponentially more every second. I could still see her out of the corner of my eye calmly walking next to me, wearing the same fitted gray blazer and matching gray mini skirt she wore yesterday.
I stopped when I reached an isolated side of the building. "What is it going to take to finally get rid of you?" I desperately asked. "I am out here looking crazy talking to you!"
Looking down at me blankly, she folded her arms. "You've made me disappear before. How do you think you managed that?"
Heaving a big sigh, I placed my bag on the ground and sat down against the brick building wall, resting the back of my head against it. "I was half asleep, I don't even remember what I told you."
"Of course you don't. Memory is yet another weakness you have, hence you needing an attractive math partner to help you." She tossed her blonde hair, looking in the same direction I was, at the sun that was progressively seeping behind the desert mountains ahead.
"Okay that has to do with me hating math, so fuck off. I am good at what I like doing." I took some chips out of my bag, shoving a handful of them into my mouth. "And honestly? You don't seem that logical yourself. If I've dated so many good looking guys that I am a whore at this point, then it statistically wouldn't make much sense that all of those men liking me are just fluke situations."
"Tell yourself that if it makes you feel better," She replied in her even tone. "But that feeling of intense inferiority you have when talking to men tells a completely different story." She had hit me like a brick with yet another valid point.
"Well maybe that needs to change, because it's stupid. Kinda like you." I put down my chips. "Maybe I need to instead have faith in this very obvious pattern, that I have to be an attractive person because per the definition, I seem to attract an okay amount of people. If my math partner likes me, there's no reason to be confused about it or nervous around him. So as always, you are both an idiot and wrong."
She looked at me and seemed to almost smirk for the first time. "Hate me to your heart's content, but remember that I am still a part of you." She faded away once more, and while I felt a minor sense of relief, I knew she would still be back again eventually.
I stood up, straightened my back and walked to the library with a little more certainty and one less snack craving.