when you finally decide to kill yourself,
you will finally be sharply aware of your surroundings.
the dishes still in the sink-
should you wash them before you go?
give your family one last kindness?
you will suddenly recall where all the sharp objects are:
the knives in the kitchen drawers,
the razors in the medicine cabinet,
your mother's sewing scissors in the basement,
even the forks, the garden shears, the corners of the tables.
you will never be so aware of things that can cut.
you will sit up and watch the sunrise one last time.
it will be beautiful. the sky will be pink, the clouds will be purple,
and one last time, you will reconsider.
but you will make the choice you've always known you would.
you will be kind on your last day.
you will want your family to remember you as kind-
a good child, a responsible child, a caring child.
you will hug your mother, and she will tell you she loves you.
you will hesitate, but you will do this because you love her, too.
you will be afraid of how ready you are.
there will come a moment when you take your last breath.
before your last breath, there will be a moment when you realize this.
you will breathe deeply, preparing yourself for that last desperate gasp.
for a moment, you will wonder if you could get past this.
you will wonder if you should take another day, if you should reconsider.
you will want to see one last sunrise. one last moment with your mother. one last laugh.
you will let yourself go.