Flabbergasted

Characters

Fiona: A twenty-something female college student.

Roscoe: A human-sized fifteen year old carnival stuffed dog.

Anthony: A twenty-something male college student with no previous contact with Fiona, but looks remarkably like Roscoe.

Fiona's Mother: A voice from off-stage, resembling that of Nanny in "Muppet Babies,"later revealed to resemble Mrs. Darling from "Clarissa Explains it All."

Doctor: A handsome older fellow, with an appearance not unlike an aged Paul Newman or Burt Lancaster, sagely, wise, and familiar to Fiona.

Note: Roscoe and Anthony should be played by the same actor.

Setting

Suburbia, the present.

Scene i

A girl, dressed in nothing but her bra and underwear, rummages through her bedroom trying on clothes, talking to her giant stuffed dog who is clearly a man in a dog costume.

FIONA

[Throws clothes about her room]

Too tight.

Too green.

Too short.

Too long.

Too old.

Too new.

Saving that one for the formal.

Saving that one for the needy.

Ick. Did I even wash this?

'

I don't know what to wear! UGH!

What do you think, Roscoe?

Right, you can't talk. But if you could I bet you'd ask me, with an adorable little growl, "What's the big deal?"

The big deal is I want to give off a good first impression, but at the same time I don't want to appear like someone I'm not. I want to be myself, yet explore other facets of my personality.

For example, I could wear my cutest spring floral dress, nude stockings, and a cute pair of red peeped-toed sling-back pumps. Paint my nails, curl my hair, apply the Cover Girl… Release my inner diva!

But then they'll expect that I look that girly all the time, which is entirely not the case. Comfort before fashion, always.

So instead maybe I'll release my inner skater-chick!

I could wear my favorite Little Mermaid t-shirt, the blue one where Ariel is sitting on a rock, contemplating existence. Pair it up with my ripped jeans and my Vans, and throw on a checkered hoodie to complete the look.

But then they'll all think I skateboard, which I don't, which may make me a poser, but I want to learn, except… they don't know that either.

Maybe I'll go Goth? Punk Rock? Ska girl? Emo? Business casual? Hippie-chic?

Endless possibilities. Too many possibilities. Having so many options can be daunting.

Roscoe, you haven't said a word, what do think?

[SHE looks to ROSCOE for a response. HE sits there. ]

Oh, when you said, "What's the big deal? You meant, "What's the big day?" Oops…

It's the first day of the rest of my life, that's all Roscoe!

A new town. A new school. A fresh start. Create a new image of myself. Learn from my mistakes. Make new friends… Make new connections. Play as hard as I work, work as hard as I play. Set boundaries. Loose inhibitions.

A time to do what I want as I want to do it.

[SHE looks to ROSCOE.]

"What do I want?" Good question.

Ultimately, I want to finish my degree, get a job that I enjoy, marry the man I love, have a couple of kids, and live happily ever after.

And I have no idea when nor how that all is going to happen.

[SHE looks to ROSCOE again.]

"What do I want right now?"

I really want to pick out an outfit to wear so I can finally get out of my skivvies, and then grab a bowl of cereal before I head to class.

But I can't decide what the best image to project is. And you're not helping much.

I know, what do I expect from a giant, stuffed dog? A little guidance would be nice.

And a hug, I could really use a hug.

[SHE hugs HIM. HE almost appears to be hugging HER back. SHE remains on the floor cuddling HIM.]

Oh Roscoe, if only you were real, I know you'd comfort me, and tell me in a raspy, hushed voice, "Be true to your self; the rest will follow."

So does that mean I go skater chick? Or blossoming young woman?

[SHE looks to ROSCOE again.]

I know, they're just clothes. Just protection from the elements. So what's the big deal?

You know, Roscoe, with so much insight into my soul, if you were alive, I'd kiss you.

[ROSCOE speaks.]

ROSCOE

So why don't you?

FIONA

[SHE stands abruptly.]

Huh? What… Did you just… Did I just… Ok, now I'm hearing things.

ROSCOE

You're not hearing things.

FIONA

Stop that!

ROSCOE

What?

FIONA

Talking! You're creeping me out! How long have you been able to do that? Wait! Hold that thought, I'm still in my underwear!

Don't look!

[SHE throws a plain blue t-shirt and some jeans on, or the first items SHE can find.]

I really am crazy… You've been looking the whole time! But you weren't real then! Were you? That is… if you are even real now…

Christ! I'm talking to my stuffed dog!

ROSCOE

That didn't stop you before.

FIONA

Yeah, but that was before you responded!

ROSCOE

So what's different now?

FIONA

Everything! Before you weren't a sentient being!

ROSCOE

Beyond that.

FIONA

What? Well before you couldn't reciprocate my feelings. I would talk, and you would listen. Occasionally, we'd cuddle. But you never wanted to cuddle back!

ROSCOE

How do you know?

FIONA

What do you mean, "How do I know"? I know because you had beans for brains, literally! Some of them spilled in the car the day I won you at the fair…and I had to sew you back up. You were there, you should remember… I mean… Christ!

ROSCOE

You say "Christ" a lot.

FIONA

Only when I'm completely flabbergasted.

ROSCOE

Why are you so flabbergasted? Isn't this what you wanted?

FIONA

What?

ROSCOE

You said if I were real, you'd kiss me. Well, I'm real. So… Kiss me!

[HE puckers HIS lips towards HER. SHE backs away.]

Hello.

[Nothing.]

I'm waiting.

[Nothing.]

Come on, Fiona!

FIONA

But you're a dog! A stuffed dog!

ROSCOE

What's the big deal? Haven't you ever heard of the Frog Prince?

FIONA

Yeah, but…

ROSCOE

But what?

FIONA

But frogs are real! They have feelings. And he talked from the moment they met… This is all brand new to me.

ROSCOE

Well I couldn't always talk, but I did always have feelings. You gave me these feelings. You gave them to me when you first sewed me up, showed me you cared. And that time you cried on my shoulder because you were too scared to be alone. And you trusted me with your secrets, and I listened with all my heart. And just now when you asked for my opinion to help you pick out clothes, you said you would kiss me… All these feelings, your feelings, they welled up inside. They became my feelings. And I wished beyond measure that I could show you how I feel… that I could reciprocate… That I would be real, and we could kiss… and it'd be magic!

And all the wonderful, powerful forces in this world came together and listened to me… and here we are!

FIONA

Wow… I had no idea any of that was possible.

ROSCOE

Things aren't always as they seem.

FIONA

I see that now. I… don't even know what to say… I didn't think any of that mattered… I was just being…

ROSCOE

Yourself?

FIONA

Yes.

ROSCOE

That's all you ever need to be. Regardless of what I or anyone else thinks. It's what you think that matters. That's what you'll project to others. What you want and how you feel.

So how do you feel?

FIONA

I… warm. I feel warm.

ROSCOE

And what do you want?

FIONA

I… I don't know. Christ!

ROSCOE

There you go with "Christ" again. You can't still be flabbergasted.

FIONA

No, I… just… can't believe it, that's all. I don't know how to process all of this… It just doesn't make any sense.

ROSCOE

Set your judgments aside. Step out of your comfort zone and into the illogical. And tell me, Fiona, what do you want?

FIONA

I… I want to kiss you.

ROSCOE

Then do it.

[HE reaches HIS hand out to grab HERS. HE caresses HER face with HIS other hand.]

FIONA

I'm shaking…

ROSCOE

You're excited. We're both excited. New beginnings, remember? After all, I've waited my whole life for this.

[THEY kiss. FIONA faints. As the scene changes around HER, SHE remains on the floor. Colored lights and magical sounds aid in the transformation of the stage and the illusion of the dream sequence. Scene i and Scene ii should flow directly into one another. ROSCOE may change into ANTHONY directly on stage. SHE wakes up, SHE is in class.]

Scene ii

ANTHONY

Are you alright?

FIONA

I think so. What happened?

ANTHONY

You ran to grab your bag, slipped on a roll of masking tape, then fell off the stage head first into the front row knocking yourself unconscious. You've been out for the past ten minutes or so while I've been keeping an eye on you, are you sure you're alright?

FIONA

I'm fine. Embarrassed, but fine.

ANTHONY

No worries. Happens to the best of us. I'm Anthony by the way.

[HE reaches HIS hand out to HER.]

FIONA

Fiona. Hi.

ANTHONY

Nice to meet you. You seem a bit flabbergasted. Are you sure you're alright?

FIONA

Flabbergasted. Uh, yeah, I'm…

ANTHONY

Let me see…

[Still holding hands, but now standing, HE caresses HER cheek with HIS other hand where SHE is hurt. Amazed, SHE feels no pain.]

Christ! How did you manage that? We should get some ice on that before it bruises more.

[Still bewildered, SHE nods.]

Come with me. I'll take care of you.

[THEY cross the stage to look for a first aid kit. SHE comes out of HER stupor.]

FIONA

What did you say your name was again? Rosc… Anthony?

ANTHONY

Anthony. Yup.

FIONA

You look so familiar. Have we met?

ANTHONY

Don't think so. I would have remembered.

[Looks at HER shoes.]

Cool Vans! Do you skateboard?

FIONA

No, but I want to learn.

ANTHONY

I'll teach you! But not yet… not until you regain your equilibrium.

FIONA

Thanks.

ANTHONY

Any time.

[Applying ice to HER bruise.]

There you go. Better?

FIONA

Much. Thanks again.

[SHE hugs him, kissing him on the cheek.]

ANTHONY

Don't mention it.

[END SCENE]