You have a fat chance of finding this. I was originally going to post it on r/UnsentLetters, but I decided that was a bit too risky. So here we are.
Anyway, I must admit that I'm quite worried about leaving your class. The class is too big, so it has to be split in half; I know the other teacher is going to be nice, too, but it's hard enough knowing I won't see any of my current teachers again starting next school year. I don't want to leave your class; I really like it here.
I've sort of been relying on you, as a student does, but more so. I am in dire need of an adult figure in my life. It's not that I don't have one at home; it's that I don't trust them anymore and I won't ever look up to them the way I used to. School came just in time, really. Everything reached a boiling point literal hours before school started, but I was in need of an adult figure long before that. A child can only survive so long without one.
The truth is that I hate school, as it stresses me considerably, but also it's the only thing I have going for me. I only ever feel loved during school; after my classes are over I'll wander downstairs to wash a few dishes or eat or get water, but only if I know my parents aren't there to bother me. (These days, they rarely are.) So school is the only true interaction I get with an adult figure, and it feels like all of you are too nice. It occurs to me that it's just human respect, and it's a little saddening to know this is unnatural to me. I don't really know my other classmates, but I imagine at least two or three of them feel at home in this level of respect. They may feel entitled to it and not bat an eye, but it means the world to me.
I've had a habit of dreaming of different lives, ones where I was just luckier and I was able to switch places with my teachers' kids. I've since grown out of this habit; however, deep down I still wish there was anyone out there to parent me, teacher or not. I wish I could bask in this respect you give. I wish I had a different life, a second chance to be happy.
The funny thing is that I know teachers are supposed to be there for you, but I also know they really aren't. Teachers, no matter how kind, are mandated reporters. Personal questions are usually off limits, all that stuff. It's a stinging reality; not only can I never leave this life and go to a different one, but I also can never confide in the only people who might be there for me.
Even now, things are getting worse at home in subtle ways; my mother finds it necessary to yell my name, even though I'm not usually in trouble. But she's yelled for a long time when she's gotten mad at me before, so it always upsets me, and from far away I can't tell the tone of her voice. It is exhausting to catapult from a half-state of relief to the sound of someone shouting; I'll sit up immediately, heart pounding and thoughts racing, and I'll try to calm down because I hear her shouting even when she's not.
Even sleep isn't full relief anymore. I have a lot of nightmares, and in about two-thirds of them I'm in physical pain. I haven't been hit more than two or three times, and usually the pain arises from a situation that is foreign to me, but it is still another exhaustion.
My room is no relief either. I'm perfectly aware of how it is not a safe space. In fact, out of the four worst memories I can recall right now, three of them have taken place here. Recently I was talking about redesigning my room and my parents took it into their own hands. It's fine in the day, if there's light; however, at night my room seems both much too big and entirely claustrophobic. I just want to curl up in a small space, like under a coffee table or something, and rest.
Anyway, I feel respected in your class. I feel like a human being. That feeling is hard to come by; my parents seem intent to prove to me how naive I am, how utterly worthless, so it's nice to be in your class because you don't make me feel that way. Since I'm at home, the only time I feel safe is when I'm in class. I'm only in class twelve hours a week, but I'll take what I can get.
I don't want to leave your class. Realistically I would be just as safe in another teacher's class as yours, and even then I am almost always 'safe'; however, I have this problem with forging emotional attachments to people I have known for a very short amount of time, and such is the case here. No matter what, I won't be in your class next year, at least not if things have returned to 'normal'. I just didn't think I was leaving so soon, and I really hope I won't have to. I suppose I'll find out on Monday, right?