To The People I Couldn't Say Goodbye To

To my classmates: I think about you often. Many of you I have fond memories of. Laughing, teaching, learning, and having fun together. But there are those of you who I won't miss. Those who made fun of me or my friends, who choose not to do their work, and who think they are better than the others. The only good part of the hell we live in is that I no longer have to see you. However, to those I have fond memories of, I wish we could have spent more time together. Even if it was the most boring class we could have had, I knew we would've made it fun. I wish I could say goodbye to you all.

To my friends: This isn't so much of a goodbye as it is a see you later. I call you both to play games pretty frequently. I must say though, that I'm extremely jealous of you both that you get to leave home and go to your college campuses. I hear stories of you guys meeting new people, getting drunk, and having fun even though the pandemic, while I get to sit in my house far away from my college and dream about what I could be doing. You guys have new friends you either met through a common class or your dorm rooms are close by, while I can barely name a single classmate I have. No matter how jealous I get, I'm happy that at least some of us got to experience what college is sort of like. But I wish I could've said goodbye when you left.

To the girl I had a crush on my entire highschool career: I hope you're having fun at school. It certainly seems like it whenever I see your social media posts. I never planned on telling you, but since I plan to stay anonymous, I guess I can say what I've always thought about you here. I was pretty cynical when I started high school. All the pretty girls seemed like bitches that only cared about popularity and status. I thought that the only reason someone would be popular would be their looks. To my credit, I was 90% correct, but you were part of that 10%. Whenever I saw you, you were always trying to help someone. You were part of a club to help people be comfortable with themselves, you helped the disabled, and you were still able to do dancing on top of all that. My friends always said you were fake but they had never held a conversation with you. I tried to listen to them but when I found out that you wanted to become a teacher to help the disabled, I knew they were wrong. I don't regret telling you about my feelings when I had the chance. You would of for sure said no. I'm not the best looking guy, we didn't know each other super well, and you just had way better options. But thinking of you got me through tons of suffering and pain in high school. I wish you luck in college and beyond. I just wish I could've said goodbye.

To the teachers I had: To those who hated me and other students, don't think we couldn't tell. We're smarter than you think and I can assure you the feeling was mutual. As much as I hated being in your presence, you did teach me one valuable lesson. Don't believe in someone just because you meant to. This is the real world, and I'm sure I will have bosses and managers I hate in the future even though I'm supposed to look up to them. I now know that just because someone is meant to teach you, you cant take their word for everything. I won't miss you, but I'm grateful I learned what I needed to from you. Now to those with who I genuinely had fun in class. Thank you for being there for all of us. Teachers are so underpaid but to still see you having joy and excitement for what you teach is what made us want to learn. My favorite teacher will always be my junior year history teacher who is one of the funniest people I have ever met. You told stories of your life that made us laugh and learn at the same time. You went on rants about the conspiracies of who shot Kennedy and racists of the 1960s. You had turned one of my least favorite subjects into one of my favorites. You were also the one who let me become friends with the girl I liked, so I have to thank you for that. A student's life is not that fun. You feel misunderstood by your family and life becomes a lot more difficult with a job, learning to drive, and surviving all the people who are out to ruin your life. But with teachers like you, it makes it a lot easier for all of us. I have to thank all of the teachers like this who have made a positive impact on me in one way or another. You are what defines us in our period of defining. I wish I could see you all one last time, to shake your hand, get a yearbook signature, and of course, I wish I could say goodbye.

To my coworkers who helped build the stage: I also talk to you quite often so this isn't a goodbye either but another see you later. So many of you guys are defined in my mind and you have all helped me in one way or another. To my thick-skulled junior now senior, you and I had great times together. I remember when you first joined I thought you were one of the most annoying kids I had ever met, but through the months of building sets and running shows, you became one of my best friends. I still laugh at your hair-brained responses to debates and questions but I wouldn't have it any other way. To my fellow senior who still speaks to me, I'm sorry it never worked between us. I always pretended like I didn't know your advances but I did. I never broke our friendship but I could tell I hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the greatest with girls and when you wanted to further our relationship, I ghosted you out of fear. I'm super lucky that we are still friends and I hope you are having fun in college. I just had to apologize for me being me. To all my sophomore to junior friends, you guys are the future of the stage crew program and I'm super proud to see all your guy's personalities grow from being the quiet freshman to the loud sophomores who make me laugh more than any other. And to the one girl in that group of sophomores who have now become juniors, you were the closest thing to a little sister I ever had. I see so much passion in what you do and I cant wait to see where life takes you. To the freshman who joined the year I was meant to leave. You guys made me happy I could teach you the ways of construction and running shows. It's not easy being a freshman but you guys took it in stride and made the stage crew program even brighter. To all of you, I'm glad we could run our biggest show of the school year before the school got shut down for good. We all had great memories that I will be able to cherish forever. However, the director of this program. I have never met a more cynical school worker than you. For a club that has one of the most diverse groups in the school, you had a very traditional way of thinking. You made the men do all the lifting while girls get to paint and when you would get angry, you would scream and swear at the boys because you knew we would just take it and bottle up our emotions. The way you act is going to bite your ass someday. Luckily, you're retiring soon so the younger grades won't have to deal with the shit you made us deal with. No matter how much anger I had, I genuinely enjoyed most of my time with you all. I know I will see most of you again, but I still wish I could've said goodbye.

Every day I wake up thinking "why should I even wake up". I'm apparently in college, but I don't feel like it. I don't have a class to go to. I join a zoom call with thirty other kids and one adult who teaches us stuff, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything. I don't have classmates. I have other kids who join the same call as me where all we do is stare at each other faces on screen, not talking, not learning together, not having any fun, just staring. I don't have a dorm. I sit in the same room I've sat in since I was ten. I don't have a school to walk to. I have a website to log in to. Every day I wake up angrier and sadder than the last. I want to cry but I can't. I know there are people who suffer more than me, but that doesn't make me more grateful for what I have, because I feel like I have nothing. I honestly think I will spend my entire freshman year without ever stepping into a campus building, without meeting any of my classmates, and without having fun. I look to the news for hope but all I see is hate and confusion. We were going to solve this by the end of May, now its the end of summer, oh look riots have broken out and our political hatred has burned even hotter. I don't have any hope for my future because with the way things are shaping up, I don't have a future to hope for. How am I supposed to look forward to when this virus will be over when even the best doctors and scientists have no clue when our suffering will end. I've just finished the midterms for my first semester in college, but I still feel like a senior in highschool sleeping through his English class. I want to go to college, I want to hug my crying mother as I leave for my campus dorm, I want to meet new people, I want to come back to my high school with stories to tell of how great college is like, I want to get over this stupid crush I've had for this girl I'll never see again, I want to stop thinking about if she's okay or if she's having fun with her new life, I want to go back to school and thank my teachers, I want to tell my psychology teacher I would've never gotten help for my undiagnosed ADHD without her help, I want to go back to my job at our local gym and fold towels for hours on end talking about football, I want to visit my friend's campuses and go to parties with them, I want to go on trips with them during the summer and winter breaks, I want to feel like I'm alive, I want to feel like I'm Eighteen, I want to break free, but most of all

I want to say goodbye...