AGENT KOBA

INCIDENT REPORT - SAVE THE OWLS

[BELLA'S POV]

Because we were between missions, Special Agent Tris10 and I-who allowed her to choose her own codename, by the way? Who thought that was a good idea? The point of a codename is secrecy-were wasting time in our conjoined labs, located in the basement of Agency headquarters. We've had a lot of downtime lately, so we were growing bored of tinkering with equipment and working on our current projects. We decided to mess around a little with the sburb beta equipment we recovered from that wild alternate universe with the trolls, and that's when I made my first mistake.

You see, Tristan is like a kid in the way that petty things stick with her. In hindsight, I wonder if there's a moral obligation I failed to uphold when I chose to gamble with her. I made a bet that she couldn't alchemize an owl-I don't remember the context of why an owl is what I chose, but there you have it. That's how we accidentally eradicated owls from existence.

Let me elaborate.

For hours upon hours, she futilely tossed every captchalogue'd object we had into the alchemiter. It was a disaster. I gave up on watching her, but apparently at some point, she had started messing with the other sburb equipment, too. I can't explain her actions, I can only recall them.

I made my second mistake when I decided to leave her alone in her lab and go next door to mine. Leaving Tristan alone is always a mistake. I've learned my lesson now. I can do better. Please don't doc my pay.

I returned to check on her just in time to see her break the #1 rule of high-tech science labs: never lean on the equipment.

In a blaze of light that nearly sent me into a Skeleton War flashback, an enormous male owl appeared. "Tristan!" I shrieked. "You hit the sendificator!"

"Hey, look," she remarked, significantly louder than my scorn. "I did it! I alchemized an owl!"

"No, you sendificated one! Which means you still owe me three hundred bucks."

Before anything could be done about the elephant in the room-or the gigantic owl in the room, as it were-"Spooky Scary Skeletons" echoed across the basement. I rolled my eyes, picking up Tristan's phone from a nearby lab table and answering it.

"This is Special Agent Koba, here with 'Special' Agent Tris10."

"Agent Koba, this is HQ. We have a mission for the two of you. The very first incarnation of a male of species Beta-six-one-Gamma-commonly referred to as the owl-has disappeared from the prehistoric age. Consequently, the entire species has disappeared from the timeline."

As Tristan tried to tackle the owl behind me, I sighed deeply. "We have the situation under control, HQ."

"Excellent. We expect results within the next consecutive twenty-four hours of your personal timeline." The call was disconnected.

"Fantastic, Tristan," I drolled, pulling my trench coat on over my lab coat. "You've ripped the first male owl from its time, erasing owls from the entire master timeline."

"Owls have been erased from existence?" Tristan contemplated, pulling her asinine wizard robes on over her own lab coat. "Wow, it's a good thing I just alchemized one!"

I swear. I know HR says my color-deafness is psychosomatic, but Tristan's selective hearing is a real disease.

"We must return this owl to its proper time!" announced Tristan zealously. At least she was on the right page where that was concerned. Before I could comply by setting coordinates on my recently acquired portal gun, Tristan whipped out her watch-yes, the haywire, all-purpose gadget that she's always updating with new, outlandish capabilities-and chose a setting that would transport us to the origin of whatever she scanned.

Allegedly.

Needless to say, the janky settings on Tristan's watch don't always function predictably. This was no exception.

A nice, cool darkness flooded the room, and Tristan, the owl, and I were sucked into the void. "What a lovely way to travel," I remarked pleasantly. "No bright lights necessary."

In what seemed like seconds to us, we landed in the middle of a wooden stage on which a ceremony was taking place. Perplexed, I stared at the officials beside us and the crowd of people below.

"What are all of you guys doing in the Jurassic Period?" Tristan wondered aloud.

Grabbing her wrist, I swiftly accessed her origin travel records. "Tristan, you missed the owl completely! This is a scan of me! And it didn't take us to my origins, it took us to my origin's origin!"

"So, when are we?" pondered my delusional partner.

I buried my face in my hands. "This, Tristan, is the origin of the high school I went to."

Of course, when all was said and done, the owl was returned to its proper time-or to one close enough, anyways. The natives of old Smith County were terrified of us, and seemed to misidentify us as gods. To appease us, they made the mascot of the newly constructed high school the mighty owl, which would come to be an international symbol for mystery and intrigue.

Yes, the mascot was an owl when I went to high school there. Paradox achieved. I hate time.

(DISCLAIMER: I understand that Agent Tris10 will also be turning a report on this incident. My advice is to disregard all of her information completely, as her mind was compromised. She's been taking codeine again. I know, I know, it's a chemical in the atmosphere of her home planet, but that's nothing but an excuse by now! She's evolved to the point that she's basically human. She just wants to get high.)

...

...

AGENT TRIS10

INCIDENT REPORT - THE OWLCHEMY (AKA CLEANING UP MY SIDEKICK'S MESS)

[TRISTAN'S POV]

We were between missions. My trusty sidekick and I were working on some highly classified reports in our top secret lab; in other words, we were in the dungeons of Agency HQ. I decided to attempt to synthesize an owl to add to my collection. It didn't take long, as I was fairly familiar with the alchemiter by now-or owlchemiter, if you will

Leaning back and waiting for my creation to spawn, Bella and I watched as the foulest fowl that we had ever seen appeared before our eyes. She was abnormally large and majestic, despite smelling as if she had rolled around in prehistoric dirt for several years.

Suddenly, a loud ringing made me flinch, causing my chair to knock against the sendificator behind me. I forgot that was there. Before I had regained my senses, Bella had responded to the obnoxious noise.

"Mister Doctor Professor Agent Tris10!" The call echoed across the room. It was the Director of the Agency FB, yet again. "Specimen G16B, the ancestor of all modern owls, just vanished from the prehistoric ages!"

"Hey, how convenient! I just synthesized a bird that could very well pass off as a prehistoric owl," I told the Director, or the Extra Special Agent, as I like to call him.

"You've done it again, Special Agent Tris10; you've saved the world as we know it. I don't know what the agency would do without you," said the director, with a sigh of relief, before ending the call.

After hearing that phrase (for the third time this week), I was filled with determination. I scrolled through the settings on my watch, attempting to find the origin setting. This function allows its user to scan an object and be transported, along with the object, to its origin point in the current dimensional timeline.

I had found the setting and was about to scan the bird until Bella cut me off by scanning it first with her portal gun, which I had programmed with a similar feature. This would have been fine, if Bella had ever been trained on how to aim her portal gun.

We were encompassed in blinding lights as we moved through time and space, and I was incredibly thankful that I had decided to get transition lenses last time I went to the Agency optometrist.

(I have better than perfect vision, just so you know! The glasses are to enhance colors, since I was born only able to see purple. Dr. Chiggins says my colorsight is expanding the longer I stay on Earth among humans, though! Eventually I won't need the glasses at all.)

The lights faded as we returned to a timeline. Looking around, I realized that my fears had become reality. Bella had not, in fact, scanned the prehistoric owl, but rather herself!

We had appeared on a stage where a ceremony was taking place. Several people were on stage, as well as in the crowd. Despite this, I quickly scanned the owl to send it back to its timeline before turning to Bella.

"Good job, sidekick. You managed to expose us in front of all these people. What are we going to tell the director?"

Before she got the chance to answer, an official stood up and claimed, "This must be a sign from above! From this day forth, let this high school be known as the home of the Owls!"

From that day on, Smith County's natives worshipped me as the one who came from the heavens to give them a mascot, and also the one who saved them from that very mascot. We were Gods to them. (They worshipped Bella, too, I suppose, but more in the way that you would worship a sidekick.)

(DISCLAIMER: Bella seems to have written a similar version of this testimony, but it is imperative that you disregard her story on the grounds that she is a lying liar.)