How the Grinch Cancelled Everything

By R. M. S. Thornton

Every person in Suess-ville

Was pleasant a lot

But the Grinch in his cave

Certainly was not

No one quite knows why

Perhaps his shoes were too tight

As he'd scoff at those in Suess-ville

Believing himself morally right

Maybe it was because

His heart was two sizes too small

Or perhaps it was another appendage

Atop his furry green balls

Whatever the cause of his hatred

He wanted to ravage 'em

To unleash his anger upon the world

Like a wooly Miss Havisham

So, he conjured a scheme

Based off fake sanctimony

To ruin their joyful existence

Through contrived acrimony

He would stoke the flames of resentment

By attacking the things that they cherished

And watch as they ripped themselves apart

Until their happiness had perished

So, he downloaded an app

Called Chirp-a-Dee-Shout

And began to call

Innocuous things out

He attacked Horton the elephant

Over the lines that he had blurred

For by sitting on an egg

He culturally appropriated a bird

The kid from Oh, the Place You'll Go!

Was verbally stung like a bee

For the way his book could impact

Those who read it on LSD

He went after the previously beloved

Critter named Sam-I-Am

For promoting non-organically fed

Green Eggs and Ham

Mr. Brown was lambasted

For mocking animals, with fury

Fox in Socks was scolded for

How his depiction could affect furries

And as for the Lorax

The Grinch ever did lament

That he climbed a tree

Without getting its consent

He admonished the Yooks

For building a wall

Charges of xenophobia

They ever did befall

This caused the Zooks to rejoice

Until it was all turned around

As it was now patriarchal to eat

Their bread butter-side down

Finally, he set his sights on that Cat

His prime adversary

Who he accused of terrorizing kids

As if he was a clown from Derry

And with his scheme complete

The Grinch knew just what to do

He stood atop a mountain

To hear Suess-ville cry BOO-HOO!

But what he heard sounded merry

Then the Grinch popped his eyes

For what he beheld

Was a shocking surprise

For every Suess down in Suess-ville

Was singing his praise

Thanking him for his work

The Grinch was amazed

Then he realized what had happened

By attacking everyone without impunity

They had managed to achieve

Cancel culture herd immunity

It had all come full circle

Like the marriages of Liza Minnelli

Or Sneetches with the stars

On-and-off their bellies

For if all of Suess-ville was cancelled

No harm would further befall

For if everyone was cancelled

No one was at all

And what happened then…?

Well…in Suess-ville they say

That the Grinch's douchebaggery

Decreased three sizes that day!

So, he lifted his phone

And without the slightest yelp

He typed a few sentences

And cancelled himself

And as he waltzed into Suess-ville

He was greeted by all on sight

For he had absolved them of their sins

Like a hairy, green Jesus Christ

Now accepted by his peers

His resentment, it did fade

As if he was an incel

Who finally got laid

So, he celebrated with the Suesses

And he joined them for their feast

And he himself carved

The organically fed roast beast!

© Copyright 2021 by R. M. S. Thornton