Sagittarius: It's April Fools! Yep, you qualify.

Pisces: No one loves you.

Aquarius: You're going to die alone.

Taurus: The fetus you aborted... it survived.

Virgo: Your mother-in-law is going to live forever.

Aries: You'll never be happy.

Gemini: Take my word for it, don't turn around... run!

Libra: Reality is serving you notice.

Cancer: Guess who's expiration date has expired?

Capricorn: You don't have problems. You have insufficient coffee.

Scorpio: Nobody lives forever. Especially you.

Leo: I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you.

Jim Duchene

Chief Scientrologist