Sagittarius: It's April Fools! Yep, you qualify.
Pisces: No one loves you.
Aquarius: You're going to die alone.
Taurus: The fetus you aborted... it survived.
Virgo: Your mother-in-law is going to live forever.
Aries: You'll never be happy.
Gemini: Take my word for it, don't turn around... run!
Libra: Reality is serving you notice.
Cancer: Guess who's expiration date has expired?
Capricorn: You don't have problems. You have insufficient coffee.
Scorpio: Nobody lives forever. Especially you.
Leo: I'd have a doctor look at that mole if I were you.