I wanted to write this for you. Just to put it to paper one time at the least.
I love you. I always have, if I'm being honest with myself as well as with you. I can't say when or even how it happened but somewhere along the way, it just did. Sometimes I think you may have even felt the same.
And I clung to you and that feeling for as long as I could. You broke my heart the day you left, probably more than you will ever know. Suddenly, I was left without all that was familiar and I didn't know where to turn - I still don't.
I keep waiting and wishing and hoping that one day you'll contact me or show up out of the blue, that one day I'll see you again. Do you think that we will? Would you come see me if you knew that I want you to?
But I can't even hold onto that flicker of hope because it's dimming from my view, from my dreaming heart.
Taylor, why did we do this? Why did we play a game of love with each other where there is no winner nor a loser? Why did we do this to ourselves?
I want you to talk to me, to come meet me, to just be with me. But I don't think you want it as much as I do. Because I feel like if you did, you'd show up. You would try, Taylor. You would try for me as well as for you.
I'm not sure how much more I can write for you, to you. Because maybe my words don't mean all that much to you. Maybe...maybe you reading them just...doesn't mean what I want it to. Not to you anyway.
Or maybe the worst part is that it isn't even you reading, that all of this exists only in my mind. What a horrible thing it is sometimes - for one to have such a vivid imagination.
All the same, I think you know me so much better than anyone has ever known me, ever will know me. Because at least in that way, you did always try. I just wish you had tried harder to start a relationship with me, too. Maybe then this separation would be different, my heart wouldn't hurt this badly.
Where I am in my life now, I have no idea if I'll ever see you again. My mind is pessimistic, telling me "no, of course not. Why would he want to see the girl he told no?" But my heart - well, my heart has always been the optimist. My heart fiercely believes that you love me, that one day soon you'll come. Who should I let win this time around?
Last words, words dripping crimson on a screen...they'll always be for you, love. Always and ever for you.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself. Thank you for knowing me when I didn't or couldn't be known to others. Thank you for helping me open up a part of myself I had shut off from the world because of pain, depression, abuse, and loss.
You were the only one I ever truly let in. But instead of being sad about that because of your absence, it makes me happy. Happy that I finally did let someone know me.
Keep me in your thoughts sometimes, I'll always be keeping you in mine. I'll save a song or two that remind me of you and hope you'll do the same. I'll always remember the summer of 2019 - I think that belonged to us alone.
And all of the summers that came before it. Racing to see me when we met that day at the library. A memory I may keep alone but all the same, I keep.
I'll remember your favorite bands and movies, how you hate marshmallows, your adorable clumsiness, and the jokes you'd tell.
I'll remember it all. Every single moment.
Thank you for everything and for all of the beautiful memories we made. Just you and me. I think that's how I'll always think of it all...
You and me.