So Much For The Afterglow
JAMIE: Male 21, a college Senior, wearing a button-down shirt and corduroy pants.
DESIRAE: Female 20, a college Junior, wearing a t-shirt and a bouncy skirt.
WAITER: Male 27, a minor character, dressed in red and black.
A warm Winter evening, during the Early Aughts. An average night. The STAGE is split in two, JAMIE is standing DSL, DESIRAE is standing DSR. An individual spotlight is shining on each of them. JAMIE is washed in street light, as though HE were outside. DESIRAE is washed in the light of HER bedroom; the lamp and nightstand are visible on STAGE. THEIR cell phones ring.
DESIRAE: Hey! What's up?
JAMIE: Hey Desi, are you busy?
DESIRAE: Nope, just chillin' in my room, what's up?
JAMIE: I was thinking we could go out, grab some food, you down?
DESIRAE: Yeah, just give me a few minutes to get ready. I've been in my pajamas all day.
JAMIE: Sure, no problem! Where do you want to go to eat? I was thinking Apple Trees.
DESIRAE: Apple Trees?
JAMIE: It's free appetizers tonight, figured we could munch on them.
DESIRAE: They have free appetizers?
JAMIE: Okay, fine, buy one get one, but still! It's essentially free.
DESIRAE: Cool! Sounds good! Give me like 20 minutes, though.
JAMIE: Okay, I'll pick you up at like 7:30, obviously P.M., ha!
DESIRAE: [Giggles, sarcastically.] Okay, Jamie.
JAMIE: I love you, Desirae.
DESIRAE: I love you, too, Jamie. [Aside] Random.
DESIRAE: Nothing, I'll see you in a bit, okay?
JAMIE: Yupperoni, see you later!
The curtain opens to a set STAGE for "your neighborhood bar and grill." School pennants, photos, posters collage the walls. There is the idea of a bar and a barkeep UCS. Extras are scattered throughout at various tables, hidden in silhouette. The lights focus on JAMIE and DESIRAE sitting across from each other in a booth DCS. HER clothes have changed. Noise and chatter fill the theater, until one of THEM speaks.
JAMIE: It's packed tonight.
DESIRAE: Geez, I know, right?
JAMIE: I can barely hear myself think.
DESIRAE: Thinking is overrated.
JAMIE: I know, I know, you're all Zen and the Art of Being Chill.
DESIRAE: Not really, I'm not all that chill.
JAMIE: Could have fooled me.
DESIRAE: I'm just shy.
JAMIE: Me, too.
DESIRAE: You? Really? You're like super outgoing and fun.
JAMIE: [Beaming] Thanks, I'm glad that I am fun.
DESIRAE: [Looks away] Yup.
JAMIE: [Beat] I like your shirt. Scooby Doo is my favorite!
DESIRAE: [Looks down at HER shirt] Oh yeah, it is Scooby Doo, I already forgot.
JAMIE: I've always felt like Shaggy, somehow, minus possibly being a stoner.
DESIRAE: I mean, yeah, you are like Shaggy on so many levels.
JAMIE: [Does a Shaggy impression] Zoinks, Scoob!
DESIRAE: [Laughs] Jinkies!
JAMIE: [Laughs] Shaggy and Velma should totally hook-up!
JAMIE: [Pause] Did you wear that shirt on purpose?
DESIRAE: Sort of, why?
JAMIE: No reason, just asking. [Break] Actually, there is a reason, what am I saying?
DESIRAE: Oh yeah, what?
JAMIE: Well, you said you wore it on purpose, right?
DESIRAE: Sort of, yeah.
JAMIE: So, you knew what I meant?
DESIRAE: I always know what you mean.
JAMIE: But like, Scooby Doo is my favorite, right?
DESIRAE: Yeah, exactly.
JAMIE: So, you wore that shirt on purpose? Because it's my favorite.
DESIRAE: [Giggles] Yours and mine. I love Scooby Doo.
JAMIE: Okay, yeah, I know, but you wore it tonight because…
[Enter WAITER, abruptly cutting of what JAMIE was going to say.]
WAITER: Hello, and welcome to Apple Trees. Sorry for the wait. My name is Trevor, and I'll be your server this evening.
JAMIE: Hi, Trevor.
WAITER: Can I start you off with any drinks?
JAMIE: Oh, I can order from the bar!
JAMIE: I am 21, dude!
DESIRAE: Go for it.
JAMIE: Should I get a beer?
DESIRAE: Beer is gross. [To the WAITER] No offense.
WAITER: Oh, I'm not judging.
DESIRAE: [Laughs] Good.
JAMIE: Okay, okay, I'll have a Shirley Temple.
WAITER: Shirly Temple is a virgin drink.
JAMIE: [A raised eyebrow] What are you trying to say?
JAMIE: I'm joking! I know, I decided against having any alcohol tonight. It wouldn't be fair to you, Desi.
WAITER: Desi? Does that make you Lucy?
JAMIE: I guess so. [Pause] Actually, Lucille is her middle name.
DESIRAE: My first name is Desirae; he calls me Desi for short, as an homage.
WAITER: Oh wow, that makes sense. Adorable! Nice meeting you, Desirae.
DESIRAE: You, too.
JAMIE: I'm Jamie, boring old Jamie.
WAITER: Oh, you don't seem boring to me.
JAMIE: You know, Desi said the same thing to me, just now. She told me I was fun.
DESIRAE: Yup, and outgoing.
WAITER: Oh, you two are so cute!
JAMIE: Thank you! [To DESIRAE] So, what are you drinking, HUN?!
DESIRAE: Hun? [To the WAITER] He never calls me that.
JAMIE: Yes, I do, Hun! You just don't notice because I usually call you Desi.
DESIRAE: Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll have a virgin Strawberry Daquiri.
JAMIE: Why not a Pina Colada, and we can get caught in the rain?
WAITER: Oh, I love that song.
DESIRAE: Me too.
WAITER: I can tell you the Daquiri has fresh strawberry puree, whereas the Pina Colada is canned.
DESIRAE: I'll take the Daquiri, then, thanks.
WAITER: Okay, 2 virgin drinks it is. They will be ready shortly.
JAMIE: [Pause] Oh good, he's gone. [Pause] I think he was hitting on me.
DESIRAE: What? The waiter? Why?
JAMIE: Because, he also said I wasn't boring, Desi.
DESIRAE: That's because it's obvious that you're not, Jamie.
JAMIE: I don't know, I am pretty irresistible, to both sexes, I guess.
DESIRAE: Sure, you are, Jamie. [Pause] So, is that why you called me "Hun?"
JAMIE: Yes. I wanted him to think that we're dating. Do you think it worked?
DESIRAE: I think he got the message. Plus, he said we were cute.
JAMIE: Yeah, but it had a level of sarcasm in it.
DESIRAE: Jamie, don't worry about it, okay?
JAMIE: I know, but it irks me. I don't like being hit on by random people. [SHE gives him a look.] Not you, you're not random.
DESIRAE: [Pause, rolls HER eyes] You mean, you don't like being hit on by men.
JAMIE: Yeah, well. [Pause] You know people called me "gay" in high school, just because I was a loud theater kid. If anything, I am a straight ally.
DESIRAE: [Pause, slowly] I think he thought we were a thing.
JAMIE: You mean, like an item? Where does that expression come from, anyway? It's so 1950's.
DESIRAE: You know what I mean, Jamie.
[Enter WAITER, with the drinks.]
WAITER: Here are your drinks. A virgin Shirley Temple for you, Handsome. And a virgin Strawberry Daquiri for the Lady. Two virgin drinks, as ordered.
DESIRAE: Thank you.
JAMIE: Yup, very much virgins, thanks.
DESIRAE: [Sighs] Geez.
WAITER: Are you ready to order, then?
DESIRAE: Honestly, we haven't even looked at the menus, yet.
WAITER: Oh, no problem. I'll give you two a few moments to sort out things.
DESIRAE: Thank you.
WAITER: Sure thing, Girl.
JAMIE: [Pause] He is so into me.
DESIRAE: [Picking up a menu] Jamie, he thinks we're a couple.
JAMIE: A couple of what? Dates? Ha! You know, like the dried fruit?
JAMIE: C'mon, laugh, it was a pun! You love puns! Or you love it when I make them.
DESIRAE: That's true. I do love puns.
JAMIE: Or you love it when I make them.
DESIRAE: [Dreamily] Both.
JAMIE: [Beat] So, do you know what you want to eat, yet?
DESIRAE: Aren't we getting the free appetizers, the buy one get one deal?
JAMIE: Yes, but do you know which ones you want?
DESIRAE: Too bad, this isn't Aussie, because I could go for a blooming onion.
JAMIE: Me too, I love those. [Pause] I was thinking sliders and mozzarella sticks. Bad combination?
DESIRAE: No, that sounds fine.
JAMIE: Yeah, because then it's more like a dinner: Burgers and um, mozzarella sticks.
DESIRAE: Yeah, exactly.
WAITER: So, are you ready to order, Kids?
DESIRAE: Yeah. We're going to do the free appetizers, the buy one get one deal.
WAITER: Sounds good, what would you like?
JAMIE: We're getting the sliders and a FREE order of mozzarella sticks.
JAMIE: Hopefully. I think it might be a weird combination, though.
WAITER: You don't say.
JAMIE: Uh, yes. [Break] Hun, I have to use the restroom, I'll be right back.
WAITER: Sure, thing. I'll keep your girl busy.
JAMIE: Uh, thanks.
[Runs to the USR, to the bathroom. Exit.]
WAITER: [Beat] So, tell me, Girl, how long have you two been together?
DESIRAE: Aren't I keeping you here, away from your other guests?
WAITER: Girl, there are other waiters here tonight. Let's chat! How long have you two been a couple?
DESIRAE: Um, it's complicated.
WAITER: You mean, you're not dating? Oh, Girl, do tell!
DESIRAE: I didn't say that.
WAITER: Then, what did you say?
DESIRAE: We've known each other since forever, okay?
WAITER: So, then you're not dating?
DESIRAE: No, I mean, not exactly, but we are definitely a thing, I guess…
WAITER: Oh, so you are dating?
DESIRAE: I mean, I guess, we are together…
WAITER: [Scribbles on HIS notepad, and rips it, hands it to DESIRAE.] Oh well, here's my number. If it doesn't work out, give it to him, okay? Your boy is one tall drink of YUMMY! [Pause] Here he comes, shush!
JAMIE: I'm back, what did I miss?
WAITER: Nothing, am I right, Girl? Just chit-chatting!
JAMIE: What's that paper, Desirae?
DESIRAE: What paper? Oh, the one I'm holding. Nothing. [Puts it in HER purse] Trevor just gave me his number, so I can tell him when the next audition for the Community Players is. Right, Trevor?
WAITER: Yes. Of course. I'll go put in your orders. Sliders and mozzarella sticks. Be back soon with your meal. [Exits, winking at DESIRAE]
JAMIE: [Pause] For real, what was that?
DESIRAE: He gave me his number in case it doesn't work out between us.
JAMIE: WHAT?! Are you serious?! Why do I give off that vibe?
DESIRAE: I don't know. He said you were "a tall drink of yummy!"
JAMIE: [Laughs] Well, that's good, right?
DESIRAE: Yeah, seriously.
JAMIE: Do you agree?
DESIRAE: That you're "a tall drink of yummy?"
JAMIE: Yes. Am I? To you? Am I THAT to you?
DESIRAE: Sure, Jamie.
JAMIE: Seriously, Desirae, am I?
JAMIE: Thank you.
DESIRAE: You're welcome.
JAMIE: [Beat] Desi, can I ask you something?
JAMIE: Why did you agree to hang out with me tonight?
DESIRAE: Because you called me.
JAMIE: See, that's my point! [Pause] Do you hang out with me just because you're bored, and I asked?
DESIRAE: I like hanging out with you.
JAMIE: Like, or love?
DESIRAE: Yeah, I love hanging out with you, Jamie. It's the highlight of my week.
JAMIE: Do you really mean that, Desi? I can't tell. It sounds like you're being sarcastic.
DESIRAE: I'm not.
JAMIE: But like, all night, you've sounded like that. What's up?
DESIRAE: Well, you called me "Hun."
JAMIE: So? I told you why I did that. We talked about it. The waiter even gave you his number for me.
DESIRAE: I know, but you never do that.
JAMIE: Does it bother you? I mean, I was only doing it in front of the waiter.
DESIRAE: No, it's not that. Well, sort of. I do hate pet names, especially "Hun" or "Honey." It so bleh.
JAMIE: Ha! I know, right? Bad couple stories. We'd never be that couple.
DESIRAE: I hope not.
JAMIE: Same here. [Beat] For what it's worth, I love spending time with you, too, Desi.
DESIRAE: [Gulps, looks away] I hang out with you, Jamie, because I love you.
JAMIE: I love you, too, Desirae. [Break] What kind of love, though, Desi? Is it romantic, friendship, brotherly love? I'd really like to know.
DESIRAE: All 3…
DESIRAE: I'm kidding.
JAMIE: Oh! Ha. Okay.
DESIRAE: That's a loaded question, though.
JAMIE: Try me. I told you I don't judge.
DESIRAE: [A moment] It's romantic. Okay? I love you, romantically. Duh!
JAMIE: [Pause, smiles] Yeah, seriously? You love me all romantic-like? Marriage, kids, the whole white-picket fence?
DESIRAE: Sort of, I mean, I might want to make you a sandwich, but I'm not really all that domesticated.
JAMIE: [Pause, imagining] I don't know about you, but I really want romance. Straight up, Golden Age, movie style romance. Like, I want to give you roses, and chocolates, and breakfast in bed.
DESIRAE: Me too.
JAMIE: You'd want me to give you those things? [Pause] I'm serious, Desirae! We've known each other for like half a decade, and I know you like me, but what I don't know is if you want something serious with me, or am I doomed to the "Friend Zone" forever with you. Because if that's the case, I'd like to know now, so I can reshape my dreams.
DESIRAE: Jamie, I love you. Like, I mean it, okay?
JAMIE: Yeah, but how? How do you love me? Do you see us together in the future? [Break] Don't answer that. Talk about "loaded questions;" I know I am a catch!
DESIRAE: You are definitely a catch.
JAMIE: So are you, though. [Pause] You are beautiful, kind, strong, certain, intelligent, witty, creative; lots of things a guy like me would just love!
DESIRAE: [Blushing] Thanks, Jamie.
JAMIE: [Pause] "And I feel the same way about you, Jamie." Hello, Desi? You can tell me how…
[Enter WAITER with the food, cutting off Jamie, yet again…]
WAITER: Food is here, Kids!
JAMIE: You know, you're like only a few years older than us, right?
DESIRAE: Jamie! [To the WAITER] He's joking.
JAMIE: I am, I am joking, it's true.
WAITER: [Serving food] I am not much older than you, but I've got a lot of experience under my belt.
JAMIE: [Catching the inuendo] Oh my, God.
WAITER: Oh, never take the Lord's name in vain, Handsome. He might hear you!
DESIRAE: [Break] Anyway. Food looks good!
JAMIE: True story.
WAITER: Good! Well, just give me a holler if there is anything else you need. Enjoy!
DESIRAE: Jamie, way to be a homophobe.
JAMIE: I told you, I am an ally. [Pause] I'm sorry. You know I'm a hippie. Free love, unity, and all that jazz.
DESIRAE: I know, just be careful.
JAMIE: What? You love it when I react to things.
DESIRAE: Yeah, but you might hurt his feelings.
JAMIE: He literally gave you his number in case you and I didn't work. I mean, Desi, I think I am allowed to be a little pissed.
DESIRAE: At least, he thinks you could be bi.
JAMIE: [Laughs] At least! [Pause] But, even with a girl, I give off those vibes? I don't get it.
DESIRAE: [Break] Our food is going to get cold.
JAMIE: Are you changing subjects? What? What is it? Do I come off as gay to you to, is that why…
DESIRAE: Why what?
JAMIE: Why you can't say if you want to be my girlfriend?
DESIRAE: No, that has nothing to do with it. [Pause] First of all, our food really is going to get cold.
JAMIE: I prefer it that way, you know that.
DESIRAE: Yeah, I know, me too. Just checking, but still.
JAMIE: Point taken.
DESIRAE: Second of all, you never gave off a gay vibe to me. I don't know if that means anything; like I don't know how good my gay-dar is since I don't really use it for anything, except not offending people; but it's never gone off around you. In fact, quite the opposite. Sometimes you give off an almost macho vibe. [Pause] If you were gay, I hope you could tell me by now, being how close we are as friends.
DESIRAE: Well, yeah, we are foremost FRIENDS, Jamie. Anyways, third of all, I'd like to think you'd tell me, if anything. But, it's never crossed my mind, not really.
JAMIE: Oh, okay. Because I mean it'd be one thing if I were, but since I'm not, it's just like… Seriously?
DESIRAE: I know, I get it. We were both bullied for things. Me for my weight, you for your flamboyancy.
JAMIE: Yeah, I am pretty flamboyant, aren't I? [Pause] It's funny, deep down, I'm like quiet, though. Like you.
DESIRAE: Yeah. I hate being thought of as quiet. I'm just shy. [Pause] Okay fine, I overthink things.
JAMIE: Who doesn't, though? [Beat] You look great, by the way.
DESIRAE: I know I do, you don't have to say that.
JAMIE: No, I want to say it. Your weight is not an issue with me, either. And I really do love that shirt!
DESIRAE: [Pause] Me too, it's my favorite.
JAMIE: [Pause] So, did you wear that Scooby Doo shirt as a way to impress me tonight? I tried to ask you about it earlier.
DESIRAE: [Carefully] I chose this shirt as a conversation starter. So yes, Jamie. [Pause] I know what you meant.
JAMIE: Good choice, it obviously worked! [Beat. HE stands, and grabs an empty chair from another table. HE speaks to the extras that are sitting there.] Can I use this one? Thank you! [HE puts the empty chair at the end of the table, closer to DESIRAE.] Hey, you know something? You wore that same combination to the Cast Party after our last night of Brigadoon. I remember. It was a great night. We almost, you know… Well, it was a great night. [Pause] Desi, honestly, you look unbelievable! You're wearing your favorite outfit. You're rocking the French pixie cut you've always wanted. Your black glasses bring out your eyes. And most importantly, you look like yourself. A knock out. [Pause] Desi… Desirae, I want you to know, you can really tell me anything. Genuinely. And I will not judge. [Pause] Hmm… I am still not approaching this from the right angle. [Gently] Yes, you are so beautiful, especially your warm and compassionate soul. [Pause] Could you possibly see yourself feeling the same way about me? Similarly? Remotely? I would really like to know, Desi, honestly.
DESIRAE: [Break] Can we pay the check? Take the food home, to go?
JAMIE: What? Why? [Pause] Am I embarrassing you?
DESIRAE: Yes, but not in a bad way. Okay?
JAMIE: Like, there's a good way to be embarrassed? [Pause] Oh, I get it. It's as though I'm proposing. I mean…
DESIRAE: [Interrupting] JAMIE! Let's just pay, okay?
JAMIE: Sure, I got this. [Waves] Trevor!
WAITER: At your service, Handsome.
JAMIE: It's Jamie, my name is Jamie.
WAITER: Got it. Jamie. How can I help you?
JAMIE: Can we get a couple of boxes, and the check please?
WAITER: Is everything alright?
JAMIE: Fine, fine. Just something came up, and we have to take the food to go.
WAITER: Not a problem. [Fetches the boxes from the bar] Here you are. [Takes the notepad from HIS apron, hands JAMIE the check.] And here you go!
JAMIE: [Opens HIS wallet] Here's a $50 bill, keep the change!
WAITER: Wow, are you sure?
JAMIE: Yes, you went to a lot of a trouble for nothing tonight.
WAITER: No, trouble for you, Handsome. I mean, Jamie. My pleasure. You too, Desi-lu?
DESIRAE: Desirae. Thanks!
WAITER: No, thank you! You paid double. [Checks HIS apron] Are you sure you don't want the change?
JAMIE: Keep it!
[JAMIE and DESIRAE get up from THEIR seats.]
DESIRAE: I really need some fresh air.
JAMIE: We'll skip the boxes, then. [To the WAITER] Keep the change, and the food! We have to go.
WAITER: Well, then. [Pause] Enjoy your night! You know where to find me, if anything!
DESIRAE: Good night, Trevor.
JAMIE: Yeah, take care.
[Exit DESIRAE followed by JAMIE]
WAITER: Look at those two love birds, sure hope it works out for them. If not, YUMMY!
[Exit WAITER, BLACKOUT]
Lights up on a bus stop, with a bright street light shining on JAMIE and DESIRAE, sitting there in anticipation. JAMIE has his head in his hands. DESIRAE looks off into the distance, very deep in thought.
JAMIE: I am sorry if I embarrassed you at Apple Trees, Desi. You know I meant what said though, right?
JAMIE: You can tell me anything, I will not judge.
JAMIE: That is my favorite shirt you are wearing.
JAMIE: [Pause] You are my fire, Desirae.
DESIRAE: [Looks at HIM] What?
JAMIE: You are my fire, my light, my inspiration, my warmth, my heart…
DESIRAE: No, I know, but I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, JAMIE?! Stop. Just stop. Okay?
JAMIE: What? We're pretty much alone, here. [Break, HE turns away from HER.] I understand that you're shy, Desi, but if you don't feel the same way about me, just say so, okay? It'll break my heart, I'll be sad and mopey for a while, but we'll find a way to maintain the status quo… I guess.
DESIRAE: [Break] IT'S NOT THAT, JAMIE, GOD! I told you I love, you, okay? Very much so. So much so, I have difficulty putting it into words. For the love of Christ and all things holy and sacred. Geez.
JAMIE: [Looks back at DESIRAE] Desi, what's wrong?
DESIRAE: You don't get it, do you, Jamie? [Pause] You never did! [Deep breath] You don't even need to say those things to me. Those beautiful, sincere, wonderfully amazing things to me. [Pause] Because. I am already like puddy in your hands, okay?
JAMIE: You are?
DESIRAE: Yes, Jamie, I am.
JAMIE: Honestly, Desirae, I had no idea.
DESIRAE: Yeah, well, I try to hide it, I guess. Imagine the power you'd have over me, knowing that I'd follow you anywhere. You'd probably say that thing about bungee jumping off a bridge; like if you did it, would I do it, too? And the truth is, I would. If you asked me. And in that case, proved it was safe.
JAMIE: That's how you feel, Desi?
DESIRAE: Why do you think I stuck around when you dated those other girls? Fine, I was friends with Jewel, first. Be that as it may. Of course, I didn't really like being a third wheel; it wasn't what I really wanted. But then again, I would have rather been spending time with you, somehow, than with any other human being on this planet. Even if it meant somewhat denying my own heart, in return. Okay? Does that explain how I feel, yet?
JAMIE: Oh, Desi... [Wiping HIS face with HIS shirt] Give me a second, I'm crying.
DESIRAE: [Pause] Jamie, you are my everything. My whole world. I would be a lost and empty soul without you. And life would definitely be boring.
JAMIE: Boring as hell.
JAMIE: [Pause] Still though, is it romantic feelings or like best friend feelings, I don't get it?
DESIRAE: Do you want a Truth About Cats & Dogs style list, like the one you just gave me?
JAMIE: Yes. I'd love one. Please.
DESIRAE: Okay. [SHE takes out a notebook from HER purse.] I've been working on it.
JAMIE: You have?
DESIRAE: Yes. [Finds the list.] Here it is. [Deep breath.] Okay.
One, I love the way you look at me, so expressive, like my dog.
JAMIE: Um, thanks?
DESIRAE: Okay, my dog is brilliant, and a huge comfort. [Frustrated] C'mon, I am not good at this whole expressing my feelings thing! It gets better!
JAMIE: [Laughs] Okay, I'm sorry. I get you. I love dogs.
DESIRAE: Exactly! Me too! [Pause] Okay, let's try it, again.
JAMIE: Go for it. I'm listening. And I won't laugh, like without it being mutual. [Smiles.]
DESIRAE: Okay, here we go.
One, I love the way you look at me, so expressive, like my dog. My VERY cute dog, by the way.
JAMIE: Got it! Continue!
DESIRAE: Okay, good.
Two, I love the way you obsess about your hippie hair, and that you constantly look in the mirror.
JAMIE: Are these good things about me or what?
DESIRAE: Hold on.
JAMIE: It's more like a 10 Things I Hate About You style list.
DESIRAE: Okay, so yeah, you're right. It started out like that movie, but let me continue. IT GETS BETTER!
JAMIE: Okay, okay, I'll be quiet.
DESIRAE: Three, I love the way you have to comment on everything, and can't be quiet even if you try.
JAMIE: Ha! Really? You wrote that, there, then?
DESIRAE: It says it, I just bumped it up on the list.
JAMIE: Ha, let me see it!
DESIRAE: I will later, okay?
JAMIE: Okay, okay…
DESIRAE: I'm just going to speed through the next 2 things…
Four, I love the way you can be a giant pain in the ass that only I get, when it counts.
JAMIE: Oh, Desi…
DESIRAE: Five, I love how you follow those ridiculous rules about yourself, that when inevitably broken, lead to disappointment, fights, and drama. But without those rules, you wouldn't be yourself.
JAMIE: [Pause] Honorable mention?
DESIRAE: Exactly. [Pause] Okay. [Pause, deep breath] Honorable mention, I love the way you love me. You are thoughtful, and sweet, and you genuinely care, and your timing is impeccable, and you know just what would make me happy for the night, like buy one get one appetizers at Apple Trees… With you, and just you. I would go anywhere with you. Do anything, within reason. As long as you and I are together, I know I will be happy. To my core. [Break] That's it. That's all I have written. [Pause] It's a very you type list, I should think.
JAMIE: [Pause. Cries. HE wipes HIS face with HIS shirt, again.] Desirae, I had no idea you felt that way. It's exactly how I feel about you, too. And I do mean, EXACTLY. [Laughs] Okay, I mean the Honorable Mention part, of course! Not all that other stuff, that's obviously just me being stupid.
DESIRAE: I love you, Stupid.
JAMIE: [Laughs] Clearly. Ditto. I love you, too. [Pause] Does that mean you want to be my girlfriend?
DESIRAE: That depends, are you asking me to go steady?
JAMIE: Yes? [Clears HIS throat] I mean, yes. Yes, I am. [HE finds a punk pin in HIS pocket.] Desirae Lucille Woodsman, would you please do me the honor of being my girlfriend?
DESIRAE: [SHE takes it, and pins it on HERSELF.] Since you asked so politely, of course I would! Dumbass!
DESIRAE: Are you going to kiss me, yet? You made me declare my undying love to you, I'm just saying…
JAMIE: [Pause] Come closer. [Pause] Close your eyes. [Pause] Good things come to those who wait. [HE puts HIS hands on HER face, tussling HER hair. HE kisses HER.] Finally.
DESIRAE: [Pause] I know, right? [Beat] You know, now that you got me talking, I'm not going to shut up, again. Not without a fight.
JAMIE: And I don't plan on fighting.
DESIRAE: Me neither.
JAMIE: [Beat] So, are you cold? Because I'm freezing! What a night for us to not wear coats!
DESIRAE: I am a little cold, but I have an idea.
JAMIE: Yeah, what's that?
DESIRAE: What if we go back to your house, warm up, watch a movie, and see what happens next?
JAMIE: Up-All-Night Talk Fest?
DESIRAE: Only if we play Uno, as we talk!
JAMIE: Agreed! [Pause] What do we eat?
DESIRAE: Order a pizza!
JAMIE: Pizza, of course! [Pause] I love you, Desirae.
DESIRAE: I love you, too, Jamie. [Pause] You can still call me "Desi," I like it when you do. [Pause] Nothing changes between us, okay?
JAMIE: Well, some things will change. Like you opening up to me, for one. And kissing me, for another.
DESIRAE: Okay, fine, yes some things. [Giggles] No sex on the first date, though.
JAMIE: Oh, so we're on a date, now?
DESIRAE: I should think!
JAMIE: Not going to lie, I was hoping you'd say that, because I did get dressed up.
DESIRAE: [Giggles] I figured, since that's my favorite outfit of yours, too. Especially when you throw your Rolling Stones t-shirt on top, then I just go mute. Hot guy syndrome. I'm in therapy for it.
JAMIE: [Laughs] Next time, then.
DESIRAE: Nah, how about tonight? Throw it on when we get home.
JAMIE: That's right, the night's not over, yet!
DESIRAE: Nope, the fun has only just begun! Oh, that rhymed!
JAMIE: Hey! That's my line! [Pause] We are so much alike, I never even noticed.
DESIRAE: I've only been mirroring you, since we met.
JAMIE: And I've only been oblivious, since that same day. [Pause, smiles] You think I'm a hot guy?!
DESIRAE: Okay, I'm back to being quiet.
JAMIE: Hey! You said…
DESIRAE: I know, I'm joking.
JAMIE: Look at you, cracking jokes with the ease of a true stand-up comedienne!
DESIRAE: You know you're a hottie! [Beat] Here's a movie cliché for you, let's get out of here.
JAMIE: Here's another one, I'd like that.
DESIRAE: Am I being the guy, here?
JAMIE: I don't know, let's reverse it. [Tries again.] Let's get out of here, Desi.
DESIRAE: I'd like that, Jamie.
[A faint, yet distinct bus horn is heard in the distance. THEY rise, and as THEY begin to exit, THEY speak.]
JAMIE: [Laughs] So, what did the waiter really say to you, tonight?
DESIRAE: He asked how long we've been together.
JAMIE: And what did you say?
DESIRAE: Since forever, Jamie. Since FOREVER.
JAMIE: Oh, Desi…
[THEY kiss once more, HER foot pops, BLACKOUT.]
"So Much For The Afterglow" by Everclear plays during the curtain call.