I am actually a bit of a coward. And I know it. My fight or flight instincts, well, it's mostly flight. Run for the hills, and fight whatever the hell get in my way to get away.
Until someone needs me. Then it's plant those feet, drop your weight down, kick ass, and take names. Or try.
Why did I survive the haunted house? Well I had someone plastered to me.
But we weirder yet, I don't remember actually being afraid. Like I didn't feel fear. I felt unnerved. I didn't want to be there I wanted to get away I wasn't afraid. it's weird to think about and try and describe the sensation of what I felt because it wasn't fear. I felt fear.
I felt the fear of letting down my family, the ones I love. The people who mean the most to me. I felt the fear of uncertainty. I lost my job and I wasn't sure how I was going to make ends meet. I wasn't sure how I was going to recover even after having a job and being without one for so long. Being afraid of the fact that I have been so stupid with my finances and I fucked up my own future. I felt the fear of finding a lump in my breast. I have felt the fear of making the ones I love and who mean the most hate me.
I have felt the fear, my greatest fear. The terror that has gripped my heart and soul and my entire body, being left behind and left alone. Of having no one left.
I have felt the fear having no idea what is in my future. Will I one day end up in the streets? Will I be able to take care of myself?
I know fear. I feel it everyday. I don't feel fear in those places that they call haunted houses and fear attractions.
Those decorations don't scare me. They unnerve me. They bother me. And occasionally, disgust me. When the actors jump out at me, sometimes they do scare me. But that's the only thing that makes me scared.
Maybe that's why I handle the hayrides better. I can do the hayrides all day and all night be just fine. But don't you dare make me go through a corn maze. Don't make me go through those haunted houses. In truth I don't really want anything to do with them.
I want to be on the hayrides. I enjoy those.
Maybe it's because I don't have to move. The movement is done for me. I don't have to run. I can just sit there and relax. It's all good.
And that's the truth, when fear grabs you you have to keep moving, but it's easiest to keep moving when you aren't the one moving. Moving forward through fear, that's the hard part.
So to anyone listening, it's okay to feel fear, just keep moving forward. That's the hard part, but if you keep moving, you'll find your way out of it. Just like on the haunted Hayrides.