Fake News Reports!

The Star Tribune reports that defendant "Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to draw the slips of paper from a raffle drum to determine the members of the jury from a pool of 18."

What other "highly unusual" moves has Judge Schroeder allowed in Kyle Rittenhouse's self-defense trial?

I'm glad you asked.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to fly into outer space with Star Trek's William Shatner!

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to check the assault rifle Prosecutor Binger pointed at the jury, and verify it was empty.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to throw a tailgater in the courthouse parking lot.

Everybody was invited.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to perform selections from Bizet's opera Carmen for the beleaguered jury during a break in the proceedings.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to repaint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to continue working on his perpetual motion machine.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to call his (the judge's) wife and assure her that "he was with me last night," getting him (the judge) out of a sticky situation.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to grant "favors" to courthouse guests on the day of his daughter's wedding.

"Be my friend, Godfather," Prosecutor Binger beseeched in the privacy of the judge's chamber.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to compete in—and WIN!—The Masked Singer.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to dazzle spectators with his superior mime skills.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to replace Jerry Lewis as host for the comedian's Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to accompany Kim Kardashian on a date to Knott's Berry Farm.

Rittenhouse, in a highly unusual move, was allowed by the judge to write these tweets.

Jim Duchene

Fake News Chief Correspondent

read my RaisingDad humor column for caregivers at Desert Exposure Magazine

desertexposure dot com