1smile again (dec 25)
didn't feel like christmas this year
i don't know why
maybe it's because this year has felt so bad
all along throughout
december's almost coming to a close
i don't feel like spring will bloom once more
dead ends and failed ambitions
make my dreams come undone
a flat face at the christmas table
only wondering if soon will come a day
when i can smile again
me and my siblings have lost so much
the doomed millennial generation has finally caught up to us
no hope for the future, only an anguished toiling
to survive this awful present
without time to kick ourselves
for failing to make the best of our past
privileged enough to get our heads above the mud
to only be ignored by indifferent prosperous stars
arms and shoulders tired
from trying to stay above the ground
fighting against the inevitability of the quicksand
postponing the inevitable, forgoing the surrender
knowing we will be dragged down sooner or later
i lost so much time with you
i gave you plenty of second chances
and all of them you squandered
you knew what you had to do
you knew what would make everything work out alright
and every day you consciously chose
to curl yourself up behind your hedgehog spines
how many times did you postpone and beat around the bush?
did you not once think of the time you were syphoning away from me?
i think back and regretfully lament
the mistake of betting all my eggs into the basket of our love
thank you for teaching me that love is not enough
thank you for making me as distrustful as you were
thank you for showing me that everyone's out only for themselves
hideous, torturous lessons are all i got to show for
in these eternal last five years
now, don't get me wrong
my heart isn't broken, rather it was robbed
i gave it to you, but you took it and ran away with it
though very rarely did you remember to take care of it
i know you had your reasons to hide away in your cave
but why was it necessary to offload your suffering into mine
in the worst betrayal of them all?
your dagger of cold, desertic indifference
has plowed my soil, rendered me infertile with a brutal drought
leaving me buried in the ground, only wondering if soon will come a day
when i can smile again
what a waste of time this all is
poison pride can never be swallowed down
who do you think you are to the stars?
only flesh and bone, only flesh and bone
meaningless as any single speck of dust
yet if we're so tiny and insignificant,
if you're able to find one person in this entire universe who cares about you
why would you want to disappoint them?
i know i too had a hand in spoiling the soup
but at least i was always in the kitchen trying to work it out
the same falling moon in clear skies
christmas isn't even cold anymore in this town
it just stays the same forever and ever
i'm holding onto days
that pass through my window pane
where do i begin? how do i start anew?
only time will tell if soon will come a day
when i'll finally smile again