3A Fool's Errand
A "Fanny Fennec" short story by Montana "Ookamithewolf1" Yergeau
Fanny hated hospitals. From the drab, poorly lit tiled halls to the stuffy rooms, there wasn't one corner where she could find solace. While ostensibly a place to heal the wounded, they were also a place where many of those wounded expired, causing the entire complex to reek with the chilling stench of death. She knew he was here, the grim reaper that is. If he wasn't visiting here, than there was no reason for Fanny to be there; and yet here she was, thus he was here too.
Of course Fanny was there by choice today, and death, he wasn't calling for her. No, he would no doubt instead be visiting her host, a small, elderly shrew with thick coke-bottle glasses and a shawl draped around her shrunken frame. Fanny hadn't meant to save the old woman, it was just happenstance that she was standing next to the nearly blind nonagenarian who had decided to step out into the street and into the path of an oncoming tram. It was purely reflex that had caused her to reach out and snatch the old woman at the last second. Well, it might have been a second too late actually. As Fanny grabbed and pulled her the tram slammed into the shrew. Fanny simply caused her to bounce off the tram and onto the sidewalk instead of under the trolley car.
Perhaps a person half a century younger might have made a recovery from the ordeal, but for the 97-year-old the chances were slim. She lay in the other room now, being attended to. Fanny had wanted to leave once the ambulance arrived but the old woman looked so scared at the time and refused to let go of Fanny's hand. Thus she found herself here, at the county hospital, seated in an uncomfortable chair across from an operating theater.
After what seemed like an eternity the door across from her finally swung open. An older German Shepherd in a white lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck stepped slowly from the room and looked at Fanny.
"You're the one who brought Ms. Shrew in, yes? Miss Fennec? Ms. Shrew has requested to see you."
Fanny got up and crossed the hall but as she passed the doc put out a hand to stop her. In a low voice he said "Your attempt to save her, while valiant, was sadly all for naught. Ms Shrew only has a short time left. We've sent for her nephews, her only relatives, but they might not make it in time."
"Alright doc." said Fanny. However the doc still didn't move out of her way.
"One more thing, Ms Fanny Fennec. Your reputation precedes you. While in my hospital I expect you to behave. And once you're done in there I expect you to promptly leave. I've had more than a few people roll through here thanks to your handiwork you know."
"Relax doc. Ah don't want to be here any longer than ah have to be." she said, pushing her way past into the hospital room.
Inside she found the elderly Ms Scarlet Shrew propped up in a hospital bed. On one side she had an IV drip hooked to her arm. On the other an EKG meter ticked back and forth. From it's shallow passes even Fanny could tell that the shrew's heart was on it's last legs.
"Oh, Fanny dear is that you? Pleas take a seat." she said, motioning to a chair before coughing violently. "You must forgive me, seems my body isn't cooperating today."
"No, ah guess it ain't." said Fanny as she took a seat.
"I'm sorry to have caused you such an inconvenience today my dear. I'm sure you had other plans."
"Nothing of importance really." Said Fanny.
"I hear tell you're something of a famous outlaw. You know I dated an outlaw once, back in '67. The boy ran with Jessie James's crew. What a wild time."
Fanny cracked a smile. Whether or not it was true was anyone's guess at her age, but it was amusing none the less. If it was then clearly this old bitty was her type of folks.
"Listen my dear, my time is short. You tried to save my life and I thank you for it. Not everyone would have done that, especially an outlaw. I want to reward you for it."
Fanny perked up. "Really? Th-thank you. But ah mean, ah didn't actually succeed in pulling you from danger y'know."
"No, but you tried and that's what matters in life."
"So, uh, what's the reward?"
"Oh, yes, what was it now. My mind you see is not as good as it once was. Oh! Yes. Travel down highway 73 all the way to mile marker 30. There you will find an old road. This road is the old highway 73 before it was re-routed. It's abandoned now. Travel down it until you reach a great and quite prominent oak tree. Turn off up a driveway near it to an old farm. There, locked deep away you will find an old crate, filled to the brim with gold nuggets."
"G-Gold nuggets!?" Fanny stammered, her eyes growing as big as saucers.
"Yes. As a youth my grand-pappy and I got caught up in that great gold rush of '49. Got out with so much gold you wouldn't believe your eyes."
Gold. Fanny liked gold. "Wow! W-Wait. How come you never spent any of it? And why leave it on an abandoned farm."
"Oh, because... I... why didn't I..." The old woman looked around, searching her head for the answers. Suddenly the sweet demeanor disappeared and fear filled her eyes. "No, wait! There, there was something dangerous, something evil about the gold. no, no you mustn't...can't remember..."
Scarlet Shrew took a deep breath as her pupils dilated. It would be her last. She fell back against the pillow as the EKG machine stopped ticking. Was it just her time, or had something about the gold scared her so much as to cause her to expire early. To say Fanny was intrigued was an understatement.
Fanny stood up and reached for the doorknob. Had she left the door ajar? She didn't remember doing so. As she stepped through she was greeted by not one but two big burly shrews. They were taller than her with shoulders the size of cabbage heads and grins that even a mother would hate. They were intimidating to say the least. Of course, Fanny was the last person in the world a person could intimidate.
"You two must be the Shrew nephews?" asked Fanny.
"Yeah. I'm Saul Shrew. This here's my cousin Sam Shrew. We're here to see our aunt Scarlet. And you are..."
"Just a friend of your late aunt. Speaking of late it's what you boys are, by about 2 minutes. My condolences."
The pair just stood there, staring at her. Fanny didn't know if they were too stupid to parse what she meant or whether they didn't care. It didn't matter to her none. Fanny had no reason to stick around now. She said her adieus and headed down the hall. The two brothers just watched her leave.
"You hear all that Sam?"
"Sure did Saul. Ah knew the old woman was holding out on us all these years."
"Yeah. And to just go and give it all to a stranger instead of us, her sole living kin!"
"Y'know, that part of old 73, it's pretty desolate. You could have a full on gunfight down there and nobody would notice."
"Nobody will notice all right. No one at all."
. . .
Highway 73 was quite a ways out of town. It was a little-used switchback in a little-used part of the county in a little-used state. It was a highway that really lead nowhere. Fanny's trusty Ace motorcycle however took her down the rough roads with ease. It was a long trek, nearly five hours, and she had to stop for fuel twice. Once at mile marker 30 she spotted the old trail and turned off. It was a desolate place, and this far out Fanny should have felt like she was all alone in the world.
But she didn't.
She had this chill run through her. A feeling maybe, or a premonition. It crept up her spine like an itch, a minor one like that caused of an errant hair or a single tiny ant worming its way up and settling on the back of her neck. She should have been alone, but she felt as though she had company. She stopped for a few minutes, cutting her engine. Nothing. There was no sound of a distant motor, no one came up behind her on the trail, nothing. She continued along, getting more on-edge as the sun dipped closer to the horizon. Finally she came across a massive old oak tree and the remains of a trail next to it. From the tall grass she could tell that no one had been through in a long time.
Fanny slowly traversed the overgrown trail, slowly navigating its old ruts that pre-dated the automobile. Finally after more time than naught the trail let out to reveal an old farmstead. It was a decently sized place. A massive barn ran along one side. It was missing many boards from its walls and an entire section of roof had caved in, no doubt due to the extreme amounts of snowfall the area received regularly. Jutting out from it was a long low building, most likely a chicken coop. Much like the barn, it too had its fair share of damage, mostly in the form of shattered windows. At the far end was a massive clump of vines and weeds, as tall as a house they were. However the longer Fanny stared at the strange clump the more it came together that it actually was a house.
Fanny circled around it before finding one corner that wasn't completely overgrown, which thankfully included a window. The outlaw pulled her shotgun from her holster hidden beneath her skirt and with a swift swing of her arm smashed the glass pane. A blast of stale air as dull and dry as a rusty blade slammed into her, making her wrinkle her pointy nose in disgust. She brushed away the glass and managed to hoist herself up and into what seemed to be a small pantry. Here were a few jars who's contents had turned black with age. Fanny gave them a funny look before pushing open the door into the kitchen.
The room was eerily silent. A thick coating of dust covered the floor and anything else with a horizontal surface, and with every step Fanny left footprints and mini dust clouds. Lighting was sparse. The sun tried to peer through the windows but the vines made it difficult, only letting in the thinnest beams of the dusk sun. Those beams reflected off the thick specks of dust floating about, making the place seem otherworldly.
Fanny wasn't sure where to start. Scarlet had said that the treasure was locked away. Perhaps in a closet? It was a start at least. Fanny crept her way through the house. It was surprisingly sound for such a long forgotten structure. There wasn't nary the squeak of floor boards anywhere she stepped, and the only dilapidations she saw was copious amounts of peeling wallpaper. She first tried the closets in the lower hall, which yielded nothing, before climbing up to the second floor.
Every door she opened, every nook and cranny she checked, but it was all for naught. If there was gold in this house it was well hidden, which concerned Fanny a bit. What if it was sealed up in a wall or something. She wasn't about to demolish an entire house for a stash of gold that may or may not exist. After all the old shrew was a bit senile. Maybe she had gold, and maybe it was spent. Maybe the gold paid for the house. Fanny paused and looked within. "If Fawn were here," she thought to herself, "she would methodically search the place from top to bottom. Of course! This old house should have a decent attic somewhere; something hidden there might even allude the machinations of looters and squatters." Fanny raised her head to the heavens as she ducked in and out of every room before finding the hatch hidden away in the ceiling of the master bedroom closet. With a solid tug she pulled down the hide-a-way ladder, and with it came a plume of dust so thick it was as if someone had dumped a bucket of dirt down on her. She hacked and coughed as she waved away the clouds that sought to steal her breath.
If the house hadn't been touched in a decade then the attic hadn't been touched in a century. Thick webs stretched from rafter to rafter. Crates, lockers, and trunks lined each side of the attic. The dust up here was twice as thick as it was below. The air was even worse, as it had yet to cool off from the day's sun, and thus was not a place that could sustain life for long. Fanny didn't touch the boxes around her though as there, at the very far end of the attic, perched upon a table, was a neatly placed jewelry box. It sat right beneath the only window, the sun shining upon it as if to say "This is the treasure for which you seek." Fanny approached the box slowly, almost expecting there to be a trap of some sorts. There was none of course, and as she reached the box she breathed a sigh of relief. Fanny brushed off the dust and remnants of the sun-bleached Curtain that partially hung in tatters above and took a good look. It was a small box, overbuilt with thick hardwood construction and a small rusty brass latch. While heavy, it didn't feel heavy enough to contain the riches she sought. She pulled her shotgun and used its stock as a makeshift hammer again, slamming it against the seized latch, which sprung open after the third strike.
Fanny peered within the little container. Musty air, somehow even worse than the stale air of the attic, hit her hard and made her cough. She reached in and extracted the only item within, a single envelope. Carefully opening the brittle envelope, she pulled out the plain stationary and peered at the message written in a beautifully flamboyant cursive:
Within this property there contains a chest with the family treasure, a pile of lovely golden rocks. But nothing in life is free and you should work for your riches. Only by solving my riddles three will you find what you seek and get your eternal reward. To find the next clue, get to the root of your issues.
- S.S.
"Great, a riddle. Dang it all. Ah swear you old bat this had better be worth it." Fanny said, shaking her fist towards the heavens before letting out a deep sigh. "Fawn would have loved this. A good puzzle gets her all tingly. Ah wonder if ah can raise her on the radio, let her solve it for me."
Fanny made her way down the ladder, backtracking her way down the stairs and to the kitchen. However she didn't make it that far. As she passed the archway that opened up to the parlor she froze. Slowly she turned her head. There in the parlor were footprints. Lots and lots of footprints. Fanny hadn't stepped foot into the parlor yet, having only gone from the kitchen into the hall and then up to the second floor.
Fanny Fennec wasn't alone.
She slowly drew her shotgun and cocked both it's hammers, ready for anything. She stepped into the parlor. Squatting and squinting in the fading daylight she took a closer look. The prints were of heavy duty boots of a large size. They were numerous, too numerous to be one person she thought. They were also too hard to follow, having criss-crossed over each other a dozen times. Slowly she made a circle, cutting first through the parlor, then into the dining room. From here it was back into the kitchen. She slowly opened the pantry door. While it was as empty as she left it, the floor told that it had more visitors than her. She debated whether or not to continue on or leave now and wait in the darkness for her foes to exit. Instead she encountered a different darkness, the kind that happens when one is struck on the back of the head with a sap. As she fell to the floor, Fanny briefly caught a glimpse of two oversized shrews standing above her as she traversed off to dreamland.
Fanny swam around in the cobwebs of her mind for some time before she was acutely aware of a sharp bit of pain, pain emanating from the back of her head. She reached up to clutch her wound but found her arms didn't seem to be cooperating. As she regained her senses she quickly found out why. Her arms did in fact still work, but the ropes tied around them prevented her from using them otherwise. She was tied to one of the dining room chairs. It was now well past dusk and several wall-mounted oil lamps were running at full power, illuminating the dusty old table and more. That more being the two shrews having a meal across from her.
"Lookie here Saul, seems the fox we caught in our hen house has finally regained her senses."
"She couldn't have had much to begin with, exploring such a desolate place alone, eh cousin.
"Not much at all, but if she's got any she'll know to tell us what we'z want. Ain't that right, pointy nose."
"Ah don't know." Fanny retorted "Y'all have terrible manners and have no sense a hospitality. Ah don't think ah should entertain a word you say."
"Oh you'll want ta all right girlie." said Saul. "See, we found this here letter on ya. You're gonna solve this riddle and find our gold or your going ta put the 'ghost' in 'ghost house.' Capiche?"
Fanny, try as she might, could not see an out. Her captives had her dead to rights, and if she wasn't careful she'd end up the dead part. Sam Shrew untied fanny from the chair, but only so as he could tie her up again in a way which she could move around. He held one end of the rope like a leash. Saul held her gun on her to make sure she didn't try anything. She thought of a dozen things she could try while briefly untied but with Saul out of reach and just a trigger pull away from ending her she decided to bide her time.
"Alright smarty. You got this far and found the first clue. Now solve it and do it fast. Ah got a nasty twitch in mah trigger finger that gets worse as my patience disappears.
"Fine fine." said Fanny. "Read it out to me again. It's been a bit and ah got hit on the head since. Wouldn't want ta miss an important detail now, would we."
"Fine." said Saul. He read out the letter for all to hear. He tripped over several words but Fanny was able to piece it together. She also figured out that his reading skills were sub par at best. Now all she had to do was figure out the dang riddle.
Most of it seemed unrelated to the core riddle, just describing that there was a riddle and why, although Fanny found the phrasing of these parts to be a bit odd. She decided to keep that tidbit to herself and focus on what would lead to the next clue.
"Alright look, the riddle is basically saying that 'We have to get ta the root of our problem.'"
"Well, that would be that we want the gold and we don't know where it is." Replied Saul.
Sam chimed in. "No, maybe its roots, like a tree. maybe the next clue is buried."
"Are there any prominent trees on the property?" asked Fanny.
"Not really, no." said Saul, pausing for a moment before adding, "Apart from the old oak by the road."
"Hmm, could be, but ah don't think the clues would have us going that far out. No it's got to be here... Wait, this place has a cellar right?"
"Yeah, there's a cellar."
"Well, think!" said Fanny, glaring. It was clear that these boys were not the sharpest tools in the shed. "A root cellar. The next clue is down in the root cellar."
"Hmph. Pretty smart girly. Glad we decided to keep you alive."
"Yeah, so far." thought Fanny
Fanny was led down the steep stairs into the dank basement. Unlike the rest of the house, theses steps creaked and bowed under the weight of the trio, and Fanny thought they might let go at any time. Suddenly they stopped
"What's wrong Saul?" asked Sam.
"Basements flooded." he said, holding up his lamp, its glow bouncing off the ripples that spread out across the floor.
"It's barely half a foot ya dummy." moaned Sam. "Ya gonna let that keep ya from a box of gold!
"Naw, and don't call me dummy again or ah might fit ta knock ya face first into this swamp of a basement."
Fanny could sense a resentment between the cousins. It wasn't the familial arguing one might expect. She had that all the time within the pack. No It seemed that the cousins were not as friendly with each other as they first let on. Perhaps Fanny could use that. For now though she was led through the basement, past a massive coal burner that would put the one on the titanic to shame, to a small room in the far corner. The door was jammed, but Saul, ever the brute, made quick work of it with a swift kick. The old wooden door shattered and splintered into a thousand pieces. Inside was a small room lined with shelves. A few old barrels that once held flour or fruits floated about. There was really not much else to see.
"Well fennec!" Saul said, staring menacingly. "Ah don't see no letters and no chest of gold, just a few jars ah rotten food and some empty barrels."
"Well ah don't know, maybe it's hidden behind a loose brick or up in the rafters. Lets just hope it wasn't hidden below the water line or- wait, jars of food?"
"Yeah, there's a few jars over in the corner o' that shelf there filled with rotten food, just like the ones in the pantry upstairs."
"That's just it. Why keep canned food down here? the pantry upstairs is huge. This room would have been just for produce. Check the jars."
"You heard her Sam, check the jars."
"I'll check something all right." Sam said under his breath. Fanny heard it but Saul didn't. One by one the jars came open. Some had rotten food that unleashed a stench nothing like anything the three had ever smelled, and some were thankfully empty. But one, right at the back, had a piece of paper rolled up in it. Sam held the note up for all to see as Saul held aloft the lantern. The light flickered against the curled scrap of parchment as Fanny read it aloud.
So you have found the second clue. If I were to guess I would say it was Sam that found this one. He always was the smart one.
Saul grumbled at this, visibly agitated as Sam beamed. Fanny continued:
The next clue will be the last for you two, and it's just as deep as this one and in a place where you would find number two.
- S.S.
"So, what? Deep as this one so... underground right? She called us you two and then said where one of us two could be found underground. Did she mean a cemetery?" pondered Saul.
"There is a small plot behind the barn, but neither of us is dead."
Fanny sighed. "No, you idiots. Not a cemetery. By number two she mean shit. She's referring to the outhouse."
"That makes sense. Say you're really holding your own, fennec." Praised Saul.
"Yeah and..." suddenly a devilish thought entered Fanny's mind. "...and there's more. Well, no, forget it." She said looking down.
"Spill fennec." said Saul, lees delighted than he was moments ago.
"Well, ah think you were on track with relating the two 'two's in the riddle. And since she praised Sam..."
"Go on."
"Ah think she was calling you number two, Saul."
Saul was visibly angered by this and grabbed Fanny's rope near her collar, pulling her close. "Hey HEY, look," said Fanny, "I'm just telling you what's on the letter ok. Ah mean it literally when ah say 'don't kill the messenger,' ok?
Saul huffed before letting her go. In silence the trio back-tracked out of the basement and to the pantry. Sam went first. Saul then nonchalantly picked up Fanny by her belt and chucked Fanny head first through the window, knocking Sam down in the process.
"Watch it ya dummy!" bellowed Sam.
"Ah said don't call me that!"
The two stared each other down. Fanny looked for an exit but before she had time to do anything they turned their attention back to her. Together they cut through the thick shrubs and grass towards the silhouette of a small little shack. Saul peered in. Unlike the farmhouse the outhouse was in terrible shape. It's door fell off the moment it was touched. Webs covered every corner and an old bee-hive hung from the ceiling. Saul peered into the hole.
"It ain't too deep. How we gonna do it. Heh, maybe we ought ta shove her down there."
"And then what? I'm tied up, or did you forget. Man, old lady Shrew was right, Sam is the smart one."
"And if you keep yapping like that then this hole will be your grave girlie!"
"Look." said an exasperated Fanny. "Just knock over the whole shack. Then you'll have easy access."
The boys looked at each other and then back at the shed. Together the two gave the rotten structure a good shove. It fell over without much issue. While they did Fanny just stood and watched. Well, as far as the Shrew cousins were concerned that's all she did, but in actuality her fingers had been hard at work. She was just able to flex one of her sharpened nails and ever so slowly cut away at the rope. She was getting close now, but still needed a little time.
"Damn, haven't done that since Halloween of '07. Alright Fennec, in you go." said Saul, turning his attention back to the outlaw.
"Ugh, we just went through this. Ahm still tied up. Sure ah can get down there now, but then what. Sorry but this ones on you guys." Fanny said, pausing before adding, "So, uh, which one of you is going to search the hole."
The pair looked at each other.
"Sam, in ya go." said Saul, motioning towards the hole."
"You crazy Saul. Ah ain't doing it."
"Look, That house ain't been used in decades. Everything's turned to dirt."
"Ah said ah ain't doing it!" Sam said defiantly.
Saul twisted his body a little. It was just enough to move the shotgun so that it was less on Fanny and more on Sam. Despite how dense he was, this body language was not lost on him. His eyes darted from Saul's face to the gun and back. A drop of sweat ran down his cheek.
"So it's like that is it. Fine."
Sam hopped down into the hole. He let out a series of expletives just as the sound of a giant splash was heard. Much like the basement, the bottom of the outhouse hole was filled with water, but it was much deeper than the basement was.
"Damn it Saul! it's done soaked halfway up mah pants!"
"Ya should have looked before you leapt. Now, can ya see anything?"
For the next few moments nothing but copious amounts of grumbling could be heard as Sam looked about the sewer hole.
"Well?"
"Yeah ah found something." Growled an unhappy Sam. "A small box in a stone alcove. Damn it was only a foot below the surface. Could'a just bent over to grab it instead a jumping in."
"Quit your complaining and toss it up." demanded Saul.
The box, much like the one Fanny found in the attic but much dirtier, now shot out of the hole and landed at their feet. Then Sam Shrew hoisted himself up. His pants were saturated with what was mostly water but still had a faint stench of sewage. Sam was fuming.
"Saul, the next time you aim that thing at me ya better be fittin ta use it!"
"Yeah yeah. We got the box didn't we? You won't be complaining when we're set for life now."
"Sam stared at him, his eye twitching. He reached down and popped open the box, pulling out another letter with the same flowery calligraphy;
Congratulations. Despite everything you two managed to actually get the final clue. I wonder who forced who into the sewage. Are you really going to let your cousin bully you like that? Anyway, on to business. The treasure lies before you at last, and in fact it's where I lie now.
- S.S.
"Where she lies?" questioned Saul. "Are ya telling me the gold is back at the hospital with Auntie Shrew?!"
Fanny let out a deep exasperated sigh. It was a wonder these lunk heads could figure out anything. Their aunt gave them too much credit when she set up this elaborate game. Still... where she lies. Was this set up for a postmortem dance after all? Suddenly it clicked in Fanny's noggin.
"Earlier ya said there was a cemetery here, right?"
"Yeah, a bit behind the barn. A few plots and a mausoleum. Always hated that place when we wuz kids."
"A mausoleum. You boys want your gold? Well, It's where your aunt will lie once she's buried; The family plot. Ah bet the gold is in the mausoleum." said Fanny, a smirk crossing her maw.
The boys looked at each other and grinned.
Before them stood a decent sized mausoleum. Against the moonlight the overgrown marble building took on an eerie glow. the wrought-iron gate was locked, but Saul made quick work of it with a single blast from fanny's shotgun. It's echo rang out across the fallow fields. Fanny grinned a little at the sight, while behind her the ropes were barely being held on by a thread, her sharp fingernails proving their weight in gold. Within, the mausoleum was actually a little spacious. It was two coffins long and one wide, and deep shelves meant that they were stacked three high. Saul hung the lantern on a hook, it's light cutting harsh shadows throughout the crypt. Fanny slowly looked about, reading the names and dates of the coffins to herself as the boys looked on. One pair was empty, but had names on them all the same.
"Hey boys, you might want to take a look at these."
"You find the treasure, Fennec?" asked Saul.
"No, but ah found something that belongs to you."
Saul and Sam looked at the empty coffins as Fanny motioned to the engravings. Both boys went white as sheets as they saw nothing less than their own names and date of births etched in the rough marble.
"Ah guess your aunt was prepared, wasn't she."
"Y-yeah, ah guess she was." gulped Saul. "But look, there's nothing in these, and the clue said it's where our aunt lies, so the treasure must be in her coffin."
"Well ah checked these, so it's probably the ones at the end."
The trio looked at the pair of coffins. One read 'Sally Shrew 1860 - 1891' and one read 'Scarlet Shrew 1829 - .'
Fanny backed off a little as a frenzied look entered their eyes as only gold fever could. They ripped off the heavy stone lid with reckless abandon, sending it to the ground where it snapped in two. Now, nearly foaming at the mouth, they gazed with tunnel vision within. To them what they saw might as well be glowing. It was just a simple apple crate, but an apple crate that represented the end of their journey. Together they hefted out the heavy chest and hoisted it over to a small table in the middle of the room. Slowly they slid the lid back. As they did so the light from the lamp hit its contents and reflected across the room, glinting and gleaming in an unmistakable yellow hue.
Fanny knew not to let herself get distracted. She had seen gold before but to these boys it must have been a new experience. With a quick flick of the wrist she cut through the last of her ropes. They lay across her now quite loose but she didn't let them fall lest the Shrews be snapped from their golden trance.
"So boys..." Fanny said, posing a question. "Now that you've found the gold, how are you going to split it? 50/50? 70/30? 90/10?
"What?" said Saul.
"Well, ah mean, Sam here did a lot of the work. He jumped in the sewage and checked the jars. He deserves a bit more don't ya think." Fanny had lobbed her shot; now it was up to Saul to take his swing.
"Ah think ah agree with the fennec, cousin." said Sam, confronting Saul. "Ah deserve more of that there gold than you. All you did was hold the lantern! Auntie was right in her notes! Ah was the smart one. Ah was the one bullied into the hole, and ah deserve the gold!"
"All you deserve is lead!" said Saul as he leveled Fanny's shotgun once again on his cousin. Sam reached for his own revolver but barely cleared leather before he found himself peppered with buckshot. As he fell he dropped his gun. Fanny let go of the ropes and dove for the six-shooter. Saul took a shot at Fanny, but the double barrel simply went 'click'. Fanny reached the revolver, rolled once, and fired twice right into Saul. He fell back, slamming against the coffin bearing his name. Not quite dead, he lay there gasping, his final breaths mixing with blood. Fanny stood over him now, somewhat proud of herself for having been able to pull that off. Of course, most of the credit for it went to the shrew boys themselves.
Fanny turned her attention now and took a good long look into the old crate. It was filled to the brim with lovely pale yellow rocks, the kind that backs currency, the kind...that smells? Fanny had smelled something when they entered the room which she took for rotting corpses, but now she realized that the odor was coming from the chest. She picked up some of the golden ore. It crumbled between her fingers into a fine powder. A smile came across her face, a smile that turned into a chuckle, which evolved into a roaring laugh!
"Whu-whuts so funny." murmered Saul as he grasped to life.
"This!" said Fanny as she kicked over the table. The crate fell over, spilling its golden contents all over the floor. "This, this is what you died for Saul. A box of iron pyrite."
"F-fools gold..." said Saul in a whisper. It was the last words to escape his bloodied lips."
"Hm? What's this?" said Fanny. Amongst the pile of worthless ore was an old envelope. Fanny opened it and read the letter within:
Dear boys:
I knew from the moment you were born that you two were no good. I had hopped and prayed that I would be wrong but you proved me right time and time again. You two led my daughter to an early grave, and thus I'll do the same to you. I know of your greed, your selfishness, your barbarism. If faced with a great fortune you would do all you could to keep it for yourself, including killing each other for it. Thus I have left this pile of fools gold for a pair of treacherous fools. I know that you two aren't smart enough to figure it out before killing each other. I can only hope that you somehow manage to finish each other off, but even if not I'll be happy knowing one of you is gone and the other scarred for life.
Sincerely
Scarlet Shrew, April 17th, 1892
Fanny smiled to herself. "Ah knew ah liked you Scarlet, but setting up a trap not to be sprung till after your death, well, that deserves a whole 'nother level of respect. Ah guess that was what scared you, huh. In your senility ya forgot that it was a trap and thought you were giving me real gold. Well you tried to reward me but failed. But ah guess... that makes us even, don't it, old girl.