Her hands trembled as she reached for the doorknob, unsure if she should open it. Her heart ached for what - who - was on the other side, yet she knew she was taking a very real risk. More pain... or healing. She wasn't entirely sure what this interaction would hold.
Yet, there he was. Still as breathtaking as the day she had last beheld him, though, when she thought back... he wasn't particularly attractive that day. It had seemed he was hiding something... and unearthing that had been the single most painful betrayal of her life. Her breath grew ragged in her throat as she tried to suppress the pain rising in her chest like a flash flood- pain, and affection, that perhaps was not quite as dead as she had hoped.
"Say something," he breathed, his low voice barely above a whisper and on the edge of breaking. "Say anything. Please."
"I-" she blinked back tears. She looked away, then back at him, his blue eyes, still as captivating, now filled with regret and brokenness when they had once been overflowing with love. Yet... there was something else there, too. The sight lifted her heart just a bit. Light. There was light in his eyes, when they had been vapid, dead, and black the last time she had seen them. The memory of that still haunted her. She forced it out of her mind. "Why here? Why now? After all this time..."
Indeed, it had been years since the pair had last seen each other, and almost as long since they had last spoken. The memory of those last painful text messages was never too far from her mind, as much as she had wanted it to be. She had gone over it time and time again, praying, crying out to God, asking Him to heal the deepest levels of a shattering that never quite seemed to stop cutting her. She had been the one to end it all... yet that never once made the decision any easier. It was necessary- it was never once what she had wanted.
It was all she could do to stop from whispering 'my love, where have you been? All I wanted was for you to come home.' Her eyes searched his for a moment, a flicker... hoping. If he had come all this way... he had to still feel something, even after all this time.
"Now it's your turn," she said. "I'm not going to be the only one who talks."
"Can I come in?"
"No."
She said it simply, kindly, but it still hurt him. He understood, though. It had taken him time... but he understood. He felt another pain of regret for the Ring doorbell he had bought her just before he left- it was surely recording all of this, and would lead to an awkward tape. "I needed- I wanted - to see you." He whispered her name. "I miss you. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live not knowing you. Not having you in my life. I miss you- I screwed up, and I am so, so sorry."
Neither spoke, both unwilling to bring up his crime.
Finally, she shifted slightly, her hands crossed over her chest more in an effort to keep herself from shattering than from the chill in the night air. "I forgave you a long time ago," she managed to say.
"How?"
She shrugged. "Jesus. He helped me. He... He was the only way out."
He wanted to go to her. To hug her, to hold her, to let her know this time he was here to stay, he wasn't leaving, he had changed for good. But would she even believe him?
She wasn't saying anything more. She waited for him to speak. She couldn't bring herself to say much at once for fear of tears falling from her eyes. The moment she had longed for had come, but now that it was here, she wasn't sure what to do. Everything she had hoped for had been on the other side of that door. But where to now? Was she supposed to scream at him? To tell him she hated him? What good would that do? She had had that conversation in her mind with him a thousand times, and it always ended the same way- once the dust settled, she knew in her heart of hearts there was no one she would rather have in her life than him, in spite of it all, but she could not trust him, and so she had to go. She couldn't stay like that. Always wondering, never knowing... There was no reason to stay in the life of someone who didn't really want her there.
"I did want you," he whispered, still so good at reading her mind, or was he just reading the tears that had started to slip through the cracks? She held herself closer, willing herself to keep it together. "I meant it when I said I loved you. I just-"
"Loved her more."
There it was. He swallowed hard, and looked away. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"Then you should have just been honest with me!" There it was. The argument she had had with him countless times in her mind, over and over. "How could you hurt me like that? Why didn't you just end it that night at the diner? Or cut off communication once we broke up? That would have been the kind thing to do." She could not hold back the tears anymore. Years of pain had made their way to the surface. "I don't understand- I just don't understand!"
She was furious with herself. The last thing she had wanted to do was break. She shoved her hands in her eyes, blindly whisking away tears. "I'm sorry. I don't want to do this to you. I know it's been years. Please don't think I'm some kind of freak. If life hadn't been so hard around that same time... if we hadn't tried to keep in touch after... if I never found out about- you know- I'm sorry. I'm just sorry."
He couldn't take it anymore. He went to her, despite her protests, despite her hands shoved against his chest, gently wrapping her in his arms, resisting the urge to kiss her forehead, and apologized all over again, his own brokenness resulting in his own tears. "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I made mistakes... I have no excuse. I have no idea how much I've hurt you. And I'd give anything to take it all back again."
I love you. Did he mean it? The words stole both her breath and her strength. She relaxed into him, grateful to simply be held by the man she had missed so much. She caved into him, remembering all the times his heartbeat had been her favorite sound, how the safety in his arms and against his chest had made her appreciate how short she was, how protected she had once felt. Her own arms looped around him, and old habits came back as she played with the hair at the base of his skull, then gracefully and lightly running her hands over his shoulders and down his muscular arms. She let go, standing back just a bit to look him in the eye. "If you loved me like you said you did... none of this would have ever happened."
it wasn't unkind. It was true, an observation that cut her to the core. She tried to read his face, unsure of what he was thinking.
"I have nothing to say that will make you feel better," he admitted, and she was grateful for at least that much honesty. "I couldn't if I tried." It was true. Too much harm had come. Too much time had gone by. Too many days of looking at her phone... hoping. Sending the few and far between olive branch, only to be ignored. Receiving only silence in return.
"Why are you here?" she asked again. "Why did you come?"
Her heart beat loudly against her bones, terrified of his answer. There was nothing more he could say, nothing more he could do- no earthly way to save this. Their relationship had been decimated beyond repair, except-
Except, she had been praying for him.
Over and over, night after night, once she got past the initial impact of devastation at the reveal of his lies. She had tried to quit, but the little nudge in her heart would not let her. She had tried to stop, especially as the days of silence wore on, but she never felt quite right about it. Never felt peace about it. Never give up praying for anyone, she had always said. You never know when things are going to turn around.
She hadn't been praying for his return- except, sometimes. She did miss him, after all. But no, she focused her prayers on his salvation, on his healing. Her own healing, too. She had once known him better than anyone, before she had to question if she ever really knew him at all. She knew what hurt him, what he dealt with. She knew how to fight for him in prayer. Once she had finally been smart enough to realize it was the Lord Himself asking her to keep praying for him, she learned how to do it with joy. She recalled how much of her own healing had come from that process, how God had been kind and gentle with her heart as He restored it, easing her from pain and brokenness into rest, into healing. He had been her counselor, her lifeline, her rock... her everything. She had leaned on Him for everything, and He carried her through with His strength every time. She had been amazing and humbled by His grace, patience, and love for her... a love like she had never known had come to her rescue. She had known God all her life, but not like this. Not in a way that truly depended on Him for every little thing, even though she would have said she did. Not in the way that took her ugliest moments and promised to bring restoration and healing to them, a whisper she clung to in the darkest of nights.
Yet here it was. The possible beginning of that promise.
"Why are you here?" she asked softly, for a final time.
"Because I love you," he said again. "I can't live without you. I tried. It was awful. I tried to forget you- forget what I did to you. I couldn't. So I tried harder. I was a mess. I couldn't get myself out. But I knew you were praying for me. I don't know how, but I always knew."
She chuckled a bit, and he relished the sight of her smile. "You always were very supportive of my love for God," she said. "And you always knew I was praying for you. When we were together, when we weren't... it didn't matter. Plus, I'm pretty sure it was one of the last things I said to you. So that's how you knew."
"I read that text too many times," he admitted, eyes downcast.
"I know," she sighed. "I read yours like that, too."
Silence. She shifted. She met his eyes again. Made him look at her. It wasn't long before another genuine smile spread over her face. He tilted his head. "What?"
"It's just so good to see you."
Relief flooded his heart. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard, after all.
"I missed you," he said again. "I hated this."
"I hated it more," she shrugged, opening her mouth to say more but then changing her mind.
"I met Jesus," he finally said, and she lit up so brightly that she made Christmas in Rockefeller Center look dim. "I wanted to tell you that. To your face. I figured after all the years you've been praying for me, you'd want to know."
She leaped into his arms. She couldn't help but hug him. Tears sprang to her eyes- but this time, they were tears of joy. "When? How? I am so happy for you!" She didn't bother to hold back. Years of answered prayers were wrapped up in that statement. She decided happy tears were more than allowed to flow.
"It's a long story," he said. "He turned my life upside down. Thank God, because He managed to fix it all. I'm okay, now. I changed so much. I don't know how He did it... but I know I have you to thank. You didn't give up on me."
"Umm..." She was unsure how much she should tell him. "He didn't let me, to be honest. I tried a few times..."
"I can't really blame you."
"And He always stopped me with some of the clearest 'no's I have ever heard. So if you ever doubt that God loves you... come talk to me. I have STORIES," she laughed. Laughed. It felt so good to laugh together. He began to laugh too, and their laughter began to invite healing.
"I plan on it," he moved a piece of her hair out of her face. "I'd like to be around for a long time. And a lot more... if you'll have me?"
She let the question hang in the air, giving him a coy smile. "I'd like that," she said finally, and both felt missing pieces of their heart pulled back into place.
He pulled her in, holding her against him. He curved her into his body, a deep peace filling him, and he knew this moment could have only come at the hand of God. "I love you," he said again. "I missed you. And I am so, so sorry."
"I wasn't perfect, either," she murmured. "I dealt with a lot of fear while we were together. I never told you because it wasn't really your fault. It came from elsewhere, and would have happened no matter who I had dated. But I still should have trusted the voice of God over the voice of fear, and I didn't and I-" here, her voice broke, and she began to cry. "God, I hate crying this much."
"It's okay," he chuckled. "I do, too."
"I was a terrible girlfriend," she said. "I loved you. I loved being with you. I was happy. But I was afraid. And I didn't listen to what God was saying. I listened to every stupid fearful thought that popped into my head. And I spoke that. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I wish I never did that. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Here I am coming to ask your forgiveness, and here you are asking me for mine," he shook his head. "We're quite a pair, aren't we?"
"Yeah, I guess so," she laughed. "God, this sucks. I can't believe we're actually talking about all this stuff."
"It's a good thing." he said.
"Yeah."
"It's a God thing."
"So much. Definitely." she agreed.
"So. I gotta ask you something." he prodded. She met his eyes. "What was God saying about me?"
"I told you most of this stuff when we were together," she answered. "How much He loves you and how crazy He is for you-"
"No, I mean, while we were together and you were too busy listening to fear."
"Shush." she rolled her eyes. "Um. Okay... He said you would first come to Him, and then to me. But we were already dating, so I ... I don't know. I was a mess back then."
He spoke her name again. That got her attention. She looked at him.
"You know you heard Him right."
"I do, now." And a while ago... she added silently. He told me one day you'd come home. He confirmed everything I ever thought He had said about you. Clearly. And that was a beautiful grace.
"Are you afraid?"
"Not anymore," she admitted. "Which is funny, because now you're more dangerous than ever, all things considered. But I trust His character. I trust the job He did in you. And I know my God keeps His word." She smiled. "This is about Him, not us. I have nothing to fear."
As she had been speaking, his lips had loomed dangerously closer. He seemed to be holding back, but she couldn't help but maybe, just maybe, lean forward a bit...
He was about to brush her lips with his when she pulled back. "Not yet," she said, her voice soft, her eyes shining. "Yes, but not yet."
He nodded, understanding. "Okay."
She pressed her head to his chest, the sound of his heartbeat echoing as she was finally back in her favorite place in creation- the arms of her love. She knew they still potentially had a long way to go- restoration was a process, but she also knew they shared a faith in Jesus, the ultimate healer. He would walk them through this, and it would all be okay.
"You knew why I had to go, right?" she whispered. "And you knew why I couldn't come back?"
One look at the love in her green eyes, the depth of which matched his own, and he did. He knew. "I love you, too," he said. "I always will. I always have. And I'm not going anywhere again."
This time, she knew in her heart, he was right.
"No more lies." she pressed.
"No more lies." he promised.
"Even if it's hard?"
"Especially when it's hard."
"Okay," she relented. "Okay." She felt her heart begin to relax. She could tell he was different. The light that shone in his eyes was proof enough of that. The humility in his heart was even more. She felt a peace with him that surpassed any she had felt before. But still- she knew trust would come, even if it took time. "Be gentle with me as I learn to trust, all right?"
He kissed the top of her head. "You have my word."
"Thank you," she said.
"Of course."
"No," she shook her head. "I mean, yes, thank you, that's a huge deal to me, but also... no. Thank you for coming home."
He pressed his forehead to hers, arms locked around her, and both knew this was the opening of a beautiful, beautiful new beginning.