PARADISE LOST

A High School Memoir

"Why don't we ever see you around after school, Gilbert?"

One of the nice things about life after sixty is that you have plenty of time to focus on the past. I always enjoy thinking back to high school, and dwelling on all the missed opportunities and failures. Now one day when I was a sophomore in high school, a moment came along that I've been thinking about for forty years.

Kathleen Kennedy asked me why she never saw me around after school. Any other guy would have been thrilled and flattered. But I wasn't any other guy. I was a loser and a creep, and when Kathleen noticed me and put me on the spot all I felt was fear. I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to get out of there in a hurry!

I was such a loser in high school. I liked girls, but all I ever thought about was being a freak, and being different. And I couldn't see past my own distorted sense of reality. When Kathleen asked me that question, I didn't hear hope or an opportunity. I didn't think she was saying, "I like you, I want to be your friend." I thought she was saying, "why can't you be like other kids? Why aren't you normal? What's the matter with you?"

How could I have gotten so mixed up? Why was I so afraid? Well, there are a lot of people to blame, starting with my father. My father was a fat slob and a no-good lying drunk. He lied to me all the time. He told me the other kids hated me. He made me feel ashamed of having normal feelings and wanting friends.

But after thinking about it for forty years, I realize that maybe I could have said something cool or funny that day, to let Kathleen know I wanted to be her friend. I could have said something like, "well, if I had your phone number, I could call you and find out what's going on." At the time I would have been terrified to say that. I just assumed all the other kids would start to laugh at me.

What else could I have said? I could have said, "well, I don't have many friends. I just sit at home after school and read books. And I spend a lot of time talking to my father. He's fat and ugly, and his face is all chewed up with acne scars. But that's not why I'm ashamed of him. See, he's from Jamaica. He's not white. My worst nightmare is people finding out he's my father."

Somehow I didn't have the courage to say any of that. I was ashamed of my father, and ashamed of being ashamed. I realize now how much I hated my father. But I couldn't admit it back then. So I took it out on the other kids. I hated them instead. I hated Kathleen for trying to talk to me. I hated her even though she was the only person who ever tried to be my friend.

The point of this story is that you should never sell yourself short. Don't be so quick to judge other people. Even if you are positive that everyone is laughing at you, that they all hate you, try to take a chance while you're still young. The thing about being young is that every day is a new start. A single word or a smile can change your whole life.

But only if you let it.