It was Friday night again. Elvin and Craig were hanging out in the lobby once more as they usually did. Kurt Hyles, their dorm RA, wasn't there that day to join their discussion as he had to go home due to personal matters. Burt and Rick were not there that day either. So, Craig had the brilliant idea to invite Natasha and Nora, a pair of girls who shared classes with them.
"Elvin, do you go to a church?" Nora asked.
"He doesn't." Craig answered for him.
"Why not change your major from Business to Theology? We do have a theology department in this school, you know." Natasha reminded.
"Let's say I don't feel qualified to preach behind a pulpit or to deliver lectures to seminary students. Nor do I feel qualified to become a Christian." Elvin said.
"You should see this guy ramble. Last week, Burt and Rick literally fell asleep as he and our RA debated past midnight about the rationale of hell." Craig chuckled.
"Is that the debate regarding whether or not people who never hear the name of Jesus go to hell?" Natasha asked.
"No. Close, though. It was about the age of accountability and whether or not people who die before reaching that age get a free pass into Heaven." Elvin said. "As well as whether or not people who are severely mentally retarded automatically go to Heaven since they can't understand Gospel, be convicted of sin, and repent."
"Babies are innocent. Of course, they should go to Heaven." Nora said.
"Actually, you'll be surprised and probably offended at what I am going to tell you, but that is not in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that babies and kids go to Heaven automatically because they are innocent of sin. In fact, many cases seem to say the opposite. You have King David saying he was born with a sin nature. Saint Paul says because of Adam's sin, everyone was born with a sin nature that makes them damnable and liable to God's anger and judgment immediately upon conception."
"You have God himself killing unborn, infants, and children in the global flood, or in the fiery annihilation of Sodom and Gomorrah, or in the plagues against Egypt, Israel's wars to take the Promised Land from the pagan tribes that lived there. God didn't spare infants when he killed the firstborn sons of Egypt in retaliation for Pharaoh's refusal to let them go. He did not tell the Israeli Army to spare infants and children in their wars against the Canaanites. King Solomon says that children are foolish and rebellious and have to be disciplined with corporal punishment."
"The idea that babies and kids are automatically innocent and exempt is actually a fairly modern one. In the past, parents and teachers beat their kids for stepping out of line. Puritan ministers such as Jonathan Edwards thought children were disgusting and abominable vipers who were as deserving of hell as adults were and that God would be just in sending even babies to hell even though they had committed no sin of their own, but are guilty of Adam's original sin."
"And here is the kicker, the Puritans believed that God predetermined who was saved and who was damned in eternity past, had Jesus die only for the chosen elect, and no one else. These numbers could not be changed, and therefore, everyone's destiny was fixed. No one knew who was numbered among the elect or damned. But if a person was living in habitual, unrepentant sin, it was a surefire sign that he was not among the elect. The threat of hell was therefore used to scare people into Godly behavior, obedience, church attendance, perseverance in the faith, hard work, and constant, non-stop retrospection to see if they had secret sins in their life that could potentially exclude them from Heaven. Those who endured in good works and Godly obedience to the end were the elect. Those who fell away back to sin were never saved to begin with, and are actually worse off than if they never had the Gospel in the first place since they heard, yet didn't truly repent and persevere."
Craig was used to Elvin's rambling and kept up. Nora and Natasha weren't. Nora periodically nodded off and Natasha had to bump her to wake her up.
"So, what exactly was this debate about then? You've rambled on and off long enough to fill an essay. Was this about whether eternity in hell was fair or unfair or whether or not God is just in selecting some and not others?" Natasha asked.
"No. It was something else entirely. It was about why Christians have babies."
"Well, if they didn't, they'd die out." Natasha said, nudging Nora with her elbow to wake her up again.
"Just stop and thinking about the implications of everything you heard." Elvin scooted closer to the edge of the chair he sat on. "These people I listed and many more theologians, church fathers, and ministers of the Gospel in the past believe that you, Craig, Nora, everyone in the building, everyone in this university, everyone living in the United States, everyone currently living on earth, and indeed, every single human that has ever lived and died, regardless of his race, gender, upbringing, disposition, parents, marital fidelity, business practices, judge of character, or sexual orientation deserves to die and burn in hellfire forever because of Adam's sin on top of their own sins. They believe that everything a person does, including what we might consider good works such as supporting one's family or helping an old lady cross the street or giving money to the poor, is a sin if it is done outside of relation to God because it is performed by an unbelieving heart. They believe that this damnation is pronounced immediately when a bundle of cells forms inside of a fetus. They think children are born incorrigibly wicked and would even murder their parents if they were physically strong enough. They see children throwing tantrums, lying, screaming, throwing their toys, refusing to clean up after themselves, disobeying parents, and any other behaviors that most people think are common in children are actually because of sin. They believe that parents have to beat the rebellion out of their kids and threaten them with hell until they convert and stop disobeying their parents. In fact, they believe that parents who do not do this hate their children, are complicit in sending them to hell, and will be even more severely damned by God for failing to keep their children on the straight and narrow path to Heaven by disciplining and telling them no."
Nora was dozing off again, but Natasha somehow managed to keep up with all that Elvin was saying- with tested patience, of course.
"Christendom is divided on this subject. Some believe in an age of accountability and others believe not. Some believe God may send some infants to Heaven and others to Hell, with the same applying for mentally incompetent persons who lack the faculties to hear the Gospel. Others believe that those who do not hear and therefore, do not repent, are damned regardless, because all humans are born hating God from birth. One such theologian named Vincent Cheung even says that God may have had infants, children, and mentally incompetent persons die in such a state because he didn't want them to be saved and in fact, wanted them to go to hell. But that's beside the point."
Nora briefly woke up. "Oh. What?"
"Quiet." Natasha hissed, wanting to hear Elvin get to the point.
"Now hear me out. I actually believe I may have the solution to all of this. One that will likely never be enforced as a species, but individuals have full power over."
"Which is that?" Natasha yawned. Craig drummed his fingers on the sofa arm.
"It's incredibly simple. Don't get married and don't have kids. That's it!" Elvin threw up his hands and laughed. "If you stop getting married and having kids, all of your practical, financial, theological problems will disappear overnight!" Elvin snapped his fingers. "Just like that. No worry about having to potty train Junior and teach him good manners. No worry about Junior screaming and throwing his toys and refusing to finish his meals. No fretting about how Junior not saying hi to a stranger when he enters his home. No worrying about having to convert your own children to the faith when there are millions of unsaved heathens out there needing to be converted. No worrying about what God will do to you if you don't discipline Junior in the way God has told you to do. No worrying that you will go to Heaven while Mommy and Junior go to Hell. No worry about saving up for the future for Junior's college education. No worry about having to work harder to make more money to provide for Junior. No more worry about having to homeschool Junior. No more worry about the big bad world trying to get Junior to run away from the faith and turning apostate. No worry about Junior manipulating mom and dad against each other to get what he wants. No worry about Junior lusting after girls or looking at porn or hanging out with bad, non-Christian kids. None of that! All of that will be dealt with permanently if we all just stopped getting married and stopped having kids that we can't afford to raise anyway. Period! Say no to marriage! Say no to starting families! And! Most importantly, say no to raising kids! Besides, there is not going to be marriage or any kind of sex in the Christian hereafter. You are the one who brought a kid into the world just to tell him that he deserves to burn in hell for eternity simply for existing and before he had done any wrong deed of his own. You had a kid knowing that God might have predestined him to hell. Your kid has every right to hate you for it. I would too. That's why I'm never having kids and why I strongly urge both of you girls to do the same."
Natasha just stared with a bored expression before turning to Nora. "Nora. Let's go. Enjoy your weekend, weirdos."
Nora yawned and stretched before she stood up.
Craig laughed and shook his head. "Oh, buddy. You did it again."
"I'm serious, Craig. If Christians really, truly believe what they say on election, predestination, original sin, and total depravity, they should just spare themselves the enormous heartache of child-raising and the eternal destiny of their child by not having kids in the first place. Focus only the people who currently exist. Unbelievers will always outnumber you and in the end, most of them are predestined not to be saved anyway. So, why are you making your job even harder by having kids and increasing the risk of God judging you for failing to keep them on the straight and narrow? Just don't do it, man. Just stay single. Period. You aren't owed kids. You don't need kids."