August 28,1996

In a couple of weeks, my mom and David are supposed to take me car shopping. Not a whole lot has changed or happened since Monday, not even Brendan's exhaustive attention. Some of the others in school still give me looks and Alyssa, well, I think that she's become just a little more determined to get whatever it is that she wants, which I'm assuming is me. She's not really my type. I'm not really sure what my type is but I know that it isn't her. She's too…girly. Today after school, I was waiting around to talk to Coach Culver about when swim tryouts started and I ended up running into her. Actually she ended up hunting me down. I can't really remember a whole lot about what she was saying since none of it really made sense. Something about me looking 'pretty' in dinky swim suits. That and her flirting a lot.

I don't know what to do. I mean, she's obviously not going to leave me alone and I don't want to be rude to her by telling her to get lost. Plus it isn't like she's REALLY bothering me. I guess. Anyway, I did get to talk to the Coach. At first I was really disappointed because he told me that swim conditioning was starting this Saturday, but that tryouts had already taken place a couple of weeks before school had started. Plus, I needed a physical. But, when I told him about my whole situation, he seemed really understanding and said that if I wanted to suit up and head down to the pool tomorrow after school, that he could record my times and see if I qualify or not. If I do, then he said that I could go ahead and get my physical through the school nurse on Friday. This is good and all, but at the same time, I've been really slacking lately. Hopefully my times don't suck too much.

Jordan hasn't been to school the past couple of days. I don't know if I should feel relieved or disappointed. I'm leaning a little more toward relieved for the moment because I've noticed that I don't stress out nearly as much about this whole gay thing when he's not around. Maybe he dropped out of school or something. Maybe I should just shut up about him. I have more important things to worry about. Like making the swim team. The first thing that I did, when I got home from school today was load up on carbs and then take a swim about an hour later. I didn't do anything major, just a couple of drills where I worked on my kick, my breaststroke, and my fly. Then, before I sat down tonight to write all of this stuff down, I had a bowl of pasta. Kyle was making fun of me by calling me a cow and stuff but I told him that I had to eat a lot otherwise I'd probably be anorexic. He asked how come and I explained that because of swimming, I burn up probably twice as many calories a day than he normally would. He asked me how many calories I usually take in. His eyes widened when I told him that it was somewhere in between 3 to 4,000. I felt pretty cool about the fact that I had surprised him but then he just laughed at me. Then we got into this big argument with me yelling at him for calling me a liar and him yelling at me for lying TO him. Jeez, what a moron. You'd think that with nearly three years of education from a WONDERFUL prep school like Lincoln that he would know that exercise burns calories.


September 1, 1996

I made the team. Ended up doing pretty good too. I ended up timing at 4:29.59 at the 500 free and 1:44.02 at the 200. Coach wants to place me in these events (which is good because I like doing distance) but also suggested that I stay in the 100 breaststroke, the 400 relay, and the 100 fly. I hate doing the butterfly. Actually I hate the breaststroke, the backstroke, the medley: pretty much anything that isn't freestyle. But, my times ended up being so good that Coach wanted to put me in these. My physical from yesterday turned out fine. I had to cut my hair. Well, Coach didn't say that I HAD to, but he said that he would prefer if I were as hairless as possible. I'll never get used to having to shave off my body hair. Even though I've been doing this for a while. Conditioning started yesterday. My muscles hurt like hell now. Guess I'm in worse shape than I thought. That damned butterfly that gets me every time. Another thing that I've noticed is the other guys on the team. I really need to start watch what I'm doing because I found myself checking a few of them out in, not only the pool, but also the locker room. I kept getting distracted and would lose my concentration in whatever I was doing. Maybe it's the fact that there are about 20 guys within my vision who are parading around half-naked. Or maybe it's because my hormones are just jumping out of whack lately so pretty much anything looks good to me. Who knows?

Today I went to church. Jill was spending the night at one of her friend's houses so she didn't go with us. It was just mom, David, Kyle, and me and guess who fell asleep again? Yep, Kyle. I don't know why he fell asleep again since he didn't go anywhere all day yesterday except to drive me to practice and pick me up when it was done. He wanted to go to this arcade in the mall but I was too tired to even breathe so we ended up going home instead. As soon as we got back, he ended up picking a fight. Well, not a REAL fight I guess. More like bickering. But it was still annoying as hell.

It's kind of strange really. It's almost like mom and David just don't care what any of us do. At dinner my mom kept staring off into space and every time I'd ask her a question she would just look at me. Kyle tried talking me into going to the beach with him. I was just about to say yes when he told me that Brendan would be there also. I asked him if Jordan was going to be there and he just laughed. When I asked him what that was all about he said that Jordan was probably too coked up at the moment to do anything. Great. He's a druggie.


September 2, 1996

Alyssa will not leave me alone was waiting for me at my locker AGAIN. Not only that, she's starting to walk me to my classes too. She asked me if I had made the swim team or not and when I said yes, she squealed and gave me this huge hug and kissed me on the cheek. She kept saying how much she loved my new haircut and how it made me look so good. In a way, I feel really flattered by the attention that she's been giving me but at the same time, she makes me really uncomfortable. Now I've got this really clingy girl all over me and lately and I've noticed that a lot of the guys in school are looking a little jealous. The sad thing is that I don't even think that I feel anything for her. I know that she's pretty and all but I look at her the way I would look at a really pretty flower. I mean, yeah the flower might be pretty, but it doesn't mean that I want to hump it or anything, right? I just don't understand. Jordan's still not back yet.


September 6, 1996

I think that I made Alyssa's day today because I walked her to her French class that she had second hour. When she reached the classroom, all of her little friends were piled in the doorway, giggling and smiling. I know, I know, I'm bringing it on myself when I do stuff like that but I couldn't help it. I mean, I've kind of gotten to know her a little better since she's been walking me to my classes everyday and she's really not that bad. I actually think that I'm starting to like her a bit. I would much rather hang out with her than Brendan. Sorry, but he just seems a little weird to me. He never really says anything when I'm around him. Anyway Jordan showed up today. And looking even better than before. As soon as he saw me, he smiled and took a seat next to me.

Jeez, I need help. It's like I got a crush on him or something.

I know that I need to come to terms with this. Either that or go insane with thinking that there is something wrong with me. Problem is that I know that what I'm feeling isn't accepted by everyone in the world. This sucks. I mean, really, really sucks. I hate feeling this way for another boy. I hate MYSELF for feeling this way. But at the same time, I love it. Somewhere mixed with the guilt, I can't help but feel something every time I smell him or look at him.


September 7, 1996

GOD! Probably just had the busiest day in my entire life. Plus, I'm super confused right now. I woke up kind of early this morning to get all of my homework done since I didn't feel like putting it off until the last minute. Then I went to practice and that went pretty good. Coach is really impressed with my times. I was feeling pretty good about myself until later, after practice was done and all of us were getting dressed in the locker room. This Senior named Craig walked past me and mumbled, "Get out of my way princess." Andy, who I've sort of become friends with, and this other guy named Paul just told me that the guy was jealous of me for my times and for dating Alyssa Vanders. I told them that I wasn't dating her and he just laughed. Either way Craig better snap out of it, because I really don't need that kind of crap in my life.

Anyway, this evening Alyssa took me out to dinner. I guess you could call it a date. But that's not the point. The point is that she kissed me. With tongue and butt grabbing and everything. And I liked it.

I wish that I could explain things a little better. I can't tell if this means that I might actually like girls now along with guys or if I'm just taking these tolerant feelings and running with them because it's what's expected of me. I think the reason why I'm so confused is because when I still lived in Gilmore, I had never really given girls very much thought and I'd never really given it any thought that I'd never thought about them. I guess I just always figured that I was attracted to girls, but just had so much stuff in my life that I never really had any time to wonder why I've never had a crush on one or even like one like that. And then again, I've never really given guys any thought either. It's almost like, the fact that I've been taken out of Gilmore, means that everything normal and familiar to me decided to go as well. When I was surrounded by people from my old school, kids who I've grown up with, I never really considered whether or not I was attracted to anybody because I just viewed them the way I would a brother or a sister. All I had to do was absorb myself into that. But that was taken away and now I've been thrown into this place where I'm like this alien that doesn't know anything or anybody. I have new eyes or something. Who knows. I just wish I knew what I was feeling. It would be a lot easier if I could just ignore everything and go ahead with liking Alyssa, but at the same time, she doesn't give me that 'feeling'. I mean, would it REALLY be the end of the world if I were to actually be gay? But then again, sometimes I think that maybe I DO like Alyssa. You know, like THAT. I don't know anything about anything anymore.


September 8, 1996

Alyssa called me today. I was in my room working with some charcoals when Kyle came in to tell me that she was on the phone. She was going to stop by; said that she was taking me on a picnic at the beach. I really didn't feel like going since I had so much on my mind. I thought that I had everything figured out and I was going to try and just accept it, but then last night happened and now I don't know what to think. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I told her to come on over. After I got off of the phone, Kyle poked his head back into my room and asked me if I wanted to go the beach with him, Brendan, and Jordan. I told him about Alyssa but he just shrugged and left. I'm kinda disappointed. I really wanted to see Jordan since I didn't get to see him all last week. The picnic was okay. I gotta admit that my opinion of Alyssa has changed a little bit. At first I thought that she was just some spoiled rich girl. She IS spoiled and she is rich, but she's also pretty nice and she has a lot of goals that I didn't know about. She told me that she hates California and that she would like to move to New York after school. I asked her what she wanted to do in New York and she said that she wanted to go to some design school there. The two of us ended up staying at the beach for a while. At least an hour or so after the sun went down. She kissed me again. Just leaned right over and planted her lips on mine. Kind of caught me off guard but I didn't pull away. I didn't know what to do so I just decided to kiss her back until it was over. Jeez, I'm a jerk.


September 9, 1996

Brendan's strange. He was standing at my locker today when I got to school. Kyle and I rode together again since I still don't have a car. Anyway, Brendan got this really weird expression on his face when he saw him. Kyle tried to say hi, but Brendan either ignored him or didn't hear him. For some reason he would only talk to me and only ask me questions and the look on his face whenever he looked at me was just…WEIRD. He kept asking me what I was doing after school for the rest of the week and I had to keep telling him that I had swim practice. I was sort of getting a little annoyed. Then he asked me what I was doing this weekend. I couldn't say anything because Kyle answered for me. He laughed and said something about how I was probably going to be with Alyssa. Brendan asked him why he would think that. Kyle shrugged and said that, "The two of them are getting VERY close, that's why." Brendan didn't say anything. He just sort of stared at me and then walked away.

Jordan was in class today. I'm so annoyed with myself. For the first time, I actually started to think that I had things figured out. Yeah, things with Alyssa are a little touchy and sort of awkward, but STILL… God, I don't know why, but I could have a million things on my mind and as soon as I see him, WOOSH, I can't think of anything BUT him. He didn't say anything about where he'd been or why he'd been gone. All he did was smile and ask me how practice was going. I must have looked really surprised that he knew about it because he laughed and said that Kyle had told him. Then he told me that he bet I was awesome and that he wanted to come to one of my practices. God. I could hardly look at him, I was smiling so much.


September 10, 1996

Today sucked. Jordan saw Alyssa kissing me at lunch. The two of us were sitting under the orange tree and I was minding my own business doing my homework when she decided to lean over and shove her tongue down my throat. At first I was a little annoyed but then I got kinda into it and was kissing her back. When it ended, I looked over and there he was – walking up the path to the doors – STARING at the two of us. He didn't say anything. Without any expression on his face, he just looked away and walked right by the two of us. He didn't go to class today and he didn't go to the swim practice. I felt like shit the whole ride home. I wanted to cry. On the way home in the car, Alyssa kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't even tell her.


September 25, 1996

I was made captain a couple nights ago at practice. I was really psyched about it. Alyssa's happy. My mom, David, and Jill are happy. I told Kyle and he said, "Shit, that's no surprise." Since Jordan was in school yesterday, I told him too. Guess I wished for too much. He just smiled and looked at me blankly and said, "What?"


Once, after his swim practice, I had waited for Eli to come out of the locker room. It was dark outside and noises were coming from the parking lot. I guess that it was crowded with people. But despite the screaming and the yelling, the hallway that I was standing in was deserted. It felt like some kind of goddamn tomb: me, all alone with the lights turned off, smoking a fucking cigarette near the drinking fountain and staring off into space like some sort of freaked out stalker. I'm not really sure why I was waiting for him that night. I'm not really sure what I had even been doing there that night. And in fact, I'm not even sure why he had still been there in the first place. By that time he had a car, so needing a ride home was scratched from the list. Jesus; nine o'clock at night and the fucker had just finished his laps.

I think it was about fifteen or twenty minutes that I had stood there. After one cigarette was finished, I just lit up another one. Somewhere during that time I had wandered down the hall a bit toward the dark areas where you could completely vanish. Yeah, it might have freaked me out, but at the same time it gave me that little extra jolt of feeling accelerated.

It was when I got tired of smoking cloves and decided to light up a joint instead when I heard this noise that sounded like footsteps. And man, there is nothing creepier than the sound of heels clicking against linoleum at nine forty-five at night in a dark secluded hallway. For some reason, even though I knew that the person couldn't see me, my heart pounded like a jackhammer. They just kept walking closer and closer until they finally stopped outside of the door to the locker room. Then, all I felt was the terror of entrapment like I was in some kind of cheesy B movie horror flick while I watched with wide suffering eyes as the person's form was caught in the moonlight from a nearby window, setting their face in recognizable relief. Although instead of feeling the intensity of the climax crashing down on my fucking head, all I could feel was this weirded out confusion and misguided sense of awareness. And instead of standing to make my presence known, I remained in my dark, lonely corner, smoking my joint in silence. I think that I was kinda disappointed. I had hoped for some kinda psychotic Eli obsessed stalker and all I ended up with was a crack head named Jordan Oliver who had this strange, nervous expression on his face. His eyes darted back and forth while his hands made quick swipes over his forehead and his hair and his feet kept shuffling on the floor. The guy looked like he needed to take a major piss or something. It was only five, maybe ten, minutes longer before Eli finally surfaced from the locker room. When he did, I still didn't move. I stayed right where I was in my dark, lonely corner and smoked and smoked and smoked until I couldn't smoke anymore because my joint was all gone.

Eli looked tired. Fuck that; he looked like shit. Like someone had taken his body and used it to wash their car. His hair was still wet and he had changed into sweats and a t-shirt but that wasn't it. His whole body just slumped as if from exhaustion. I don't think that he recognized Oliver at first because even when Oliver approached him with this stupid hopeful expression on his face, Eli just looked at him with this drained heavy lidded stare. And what was funny was that Oliver was disappointed. You could tell: his face went from happy, to uncertain, to unhappy, to embarrassed in the course of one fucking minute. Yep, that had me laughing a little on the inside. But then I guess Eli's mind finally registered who it was that was standing in front of him because he suddenly took in a deep sharp breath and his sleepy eyes widened. I think he was surprised. Well, at the time so was I, but then that was before my pot induced brain took over my senses.

"Wh…hey…" Eli said. Oliver smiled.


The minutes passed with me watching the two of them standing in the dark hall, staring at eachother. Neither one bothered to say anything. Their faces seemed odd in the dim light, nervous and somehow scared as if they were looking at death.