Clowns, CRUD, and Mr. Not Appearing in this Essay

I've noticed, through years of watching movie trailers on TV, that movies often have clowns as the villains or mass murderers. This is probably because many people have a morbid fear of clowns. I mean, every year you'll see movies with titles such as "Attack of the Homicidal Clowns" or "Clowns from the Circus of Death".

Either that, or the clowns are evil henchmen of the big Bad Guy. For example, you have your typical kid's movie where, let's say, the evil villain, Dr. Cruel, is mistreating elephants in his circus. The heroes, Mary Jane and Billy, find out and infiltrate Dr. Cruel's circus to find the keys to the elephants' pen and they are chased by Lumpy, the deranged clown until Mary Jane and Billy cleverly lose him with their speed and wits. Now, though Lumpy will never make another appearance in the movie (except for maybe to chase them some more) people remember him when they see a clown at the next circus they go to, and give the poor guy in the clown outfit the cold shoulder.

Rarely, you'll see a movie (always a kiddie movie) where the clown starts out as a bad guy but the heroes convert them with their goodness. Often, you'll see a clown doll in a movie as a bad omen or something similar. Movie creators will sometimes add them as an extra scare in a suspenseful movie (i.e. There is a thunderstorm and through a flash of lightning, you catch the face of a creepy clown doll grinning sinisterly, while deranged laughing is heard in the background.)

Seriously, you never see a movie called "The Adventures of Fluffy the Friendly Clown", we all know it would be just plain boring.

One example of the "Evil Clown Theory" as I like to call it, that sticks out in my mind is an episode of a show from Nickelodeon called "Are you Afraid of the Dark?" where there was an evil clown that came out of an unfinished comic book and turned all of its victims into mindless, laughing idiots with its blue spit. The main character, a kid who was really good at drawing comics, had to finish the comics so the hero could kill the clown (as the original maker of the comics had been killed by his character) but the kid was transported into the comic book and was almost killed by the clown until his nerdy girlfriend got a big eraser and erased the clown from the book.

Needless to say, that was a GOOD episode. Though the first time I saw it, I was only seven and it scared the pants off me.

I think that all of this is very cruel to people who actually are clowns for a living. Clowns aren't really all that bad; the only point of their job is to please us. They put themselves through too much to deserve that kind of treatment. So I have decided to start an organization that will help clowns who have just been too mistreated and need a good vacation, but their employers need a substitute clown. It will be called Clown Reserves for Unemployed Drunks, or CRUD. In this organization, we will find drunks off the streets of major cities, dress them like clowns, and hand them over in place of clowns who need a vacation. This is a great way to not only help out our harassed clown friends, but to find unemployed drunks a fun and rewarding job.

If you are a clown in need of this service, call 1-800-HELP-CRUD, and tell 'em Misoks sent you. I'm sure if call enough times, they'll take you in a nice comfortable jacket to a pleasant place with padded walls. No, just kidding, they'll take you to an asylum where they'll lock you up for the rest of your life and you'll be miserable because you had a good, well- paying job as a circus clown and now you're locked up in a nut house where you'll definitely never have a vacation. So you should be grateful that you have a job as a clown where you get to do fun stuff like squirting yourself in the face with soda, instead of having a job as, say, a product manager.