Author's Notes: Just ... don't ask. I was caffeine or sugar high when I wrote this. Of course, I also had my own brand new big-ass roll of Duct Tape. That may have helped a bit. (Thanks to LadyM for the first line, and TombRaiderIXV for the two line conclusion!)

The Wonderful World of Duct Tape

Duct Tape is a wonderful and versatile part of our culture today. It is used for many things, such as fixing broken objects, and playing practical jokes. Things are never broken; they just lack Duct Tape. Some classic jokes could never have been pulled off without it. RIIIIIIP! The battle cry of the almighty Duct Tape!

But first, a brief look at its origins. Duct Tape was invented for the American armed forces (see, they aren't completely useless after all) during World War II. During the war, there was a need for a strong waterproof tape to keep moisture out of ammunition cases. The Johnson and Johnson Company's Permacel division had already developed their own line of adhesive tapes, so to solve the problem, help the war effort, and create a new reason for living, they combined the easily rip able cloth mesh with a rubber-based adhesive and added a rubberised waterproof coating. After the war, this military tape was the perfect material to bind and repair duct work, which was now used to distribute warm and cool air in American homes. The true Duct Tape was born when the colour was changed from Army green to sheet metal grey. Of course, with Duct Tape's rising popularity, it is now available in over twenty colours, including camouflage, black and yellow hazard stripes, four fluorescent colours which glow under a black light, and every colour between teal and burgundy.

Since Duct Tape was originally intended for the military, you would have to go to an army store of some sort, right? That's a negative, major. Seriously, pretty much every hardware store, such as Chase-Pitkins or the Home Depot carry some form of Duct Tape. One will find various types, from four inches to two inches wide, but one will have a bit more difficulty obtaining the coloured schtuff. It is best to look for these online. Go on get your Duct Tape. You can't be a Taper without it.

Alright, now you have your roll (or three or four or twelve). You're asking what to do with it now, right? Let's start with the simple basics and move our way up from there. Always keep a roll on hand 'just in case', and the number of daily problems you have will abruptly diminish. Water pipes leaking (and annoying the heaven out of you)? Duct Tape it! Did your wallet rip? Duct Tape it! Did your pencil break during a test? Duct Tape it! Do your trousers keep falling down? Duct Tape it! Remember, it's not broken it just lacks Duct Tape. For the newbie (one new to something) to Duct Taping, Duct Tape can be used for any type of repairs; clothing repairs (covering a hole in one's jeans), substance substitutes (lacking wrapping paper or fly paper? You better have your emergency roll with you!), and even major automobile repairs. It is very easy to accomplish, not to mention cheaper, to give your car a new Duct Tape wrapping than to repaint it, not to mention you won't need a new car if you use enough layers. Duct Tape is amazing stuff; you can drive a vehicle held together by Duct Tape across the United States and it won't fall apart on you!

Now then, moving up a level in Duct Tape usage (and creativity) is using Duct Tape as a cleaning agent or a teaching aid. As cleaning agents go, it is best for dealing with hair. If you have three cats who love to shed on all your clothing, simply Duct Tape the hair off (the clothing, not the cats – that's animal cruelty). Also, Duct Tape is an easy, quick way to remove unwanted hair; just apply to the area and RIIIIP; no more hair (this was tested on a volunteer. He is still sporting red marks on his arm, but hey, the hair hasn't grown back yet). For teaching aids, Duct Tape is wonderful for teaching little children (ugh, the little spores) the meanings of the words 'shut up' and 'stay put'. To teach them the former, Duct Tape their mouths shut and their fingers together to keep them from ripping it off. To teach them the latter, Duct Tape them to the nearest immovable object (such as a wall, flagpole, ceiling, or bus. Wait, the bus moves. Oops. Bye-bye, little spores!); taping their mouths shut is optional (teach them two meanings at once!). It is not advised to do this to teenagers or fellow Duct Tapers, because 'revenge is sweet'. Done yet? Let's move on to the fun part, playing practical jokes.

A classic joke involves two strips of Duct Tape and saran wrap. This classic is pulled off by tightly stretching saran wrap across a doorway and Duct Taping it. This trick has been used many times, but always produced many a laugh. Another fun, harmless prank is to make a loop of Duct Tape and stick a Styrofoam cup (such as the ones from McDonalds) to the top of your car. Drive with your window open and with the radio really loud so you can't hear the other drivers and pedestrians telling you about the cup. When they point up at it, just smile and wave at them. This is hilarious; people will actually get out of their cars to tell you about it. A few smaller jokes include Duct Taping saran wrap over the toilet seat, or Duct Taping a folded packet of ketchup/mustard/relish under the toilet seat. Best of all, the prankee has to clean up the mess, while you, the Taper, laughs and adds another successful Taping to your growing list. And now the classics, which take at least, three rolls to accomplish. First are the (in)famous 'human tapings'. Start by finding your vict – er, willing participant. Then you proceed to the nearest solid immovable object such as a wall, ceiling, tree, or flagpole. Have your 'volunteer' stand still against said object and quickly tape the base strips around them to the object. Then, when assured the 'volunteer' will not run away, feel free to tape him or her up at your leisure. (In the case of the ceiling, turn the him or her into a human cocoon and have some assistants lift up the 'volunteer' while you add the securing strips.) Be very careful when performing this stunt, as the amount of Duct Tape may cause the Tapee (as opposed to 'Taper') to pass out or overheat. Have a phone ready for emergencies and scissors handy to cut them down. A less dangerous trick works best during 'the college years', or if you live at a boarding school, or an apartment building and are on good terms with your neighbours (if they're your worst enemy, so much the better). While the victims are sleeping, go to their room and Duct Tape the doorframe. Cover the whole space by the door with it. Go get some sleep, and in the morning, laugh at the screams of outrage as the victim and his or her roommates are effectively Duct Taped into their room. It will be even funnier if one of the roomies isn't paying attention when s/he opens the door and walks into it. Duct Tape can not only be used as fly paper, but people paper as well! Either they don't go to class or show up with fashionable red marks and a distinct lack of hair. Just remember, revenge is sweet and be prepared for retaliation! Thus, a new Duct Tape war is born. Please do not attempt this trick on fellow Duct Tapers; you will not like the consequences.

The future of the world shall grow and advance, as will our hero the Duct Tape. Who knows, in five hundred years our culture could be built around Duct Tape...or better yet, built with it!

~~~end

Heh, heh, heh ... yes, this was completely random ... unfortunately, this does not do Duct Tape justice. Maybe I'll write a sequel about Duct Tapers or something ... jeez, I'm so tired ... I stayed up till 23.00 typing this ... on a school night ... not used to staying up so late ... *wanders to and collapses on her bed*
-Krazy Kazuko -_-zzZZ