Just Another Stupid Trend

Thongs are a really stupid idea. The theory behind them is that they will never give a wedgie because they're already there by default. Sorry, but I firmly hold that the only part of my body that was meant to be flossed is my teeth. Fashion isn't exactly the most practical thing, but every once in a while, something comes along that is so incredibly stupid, not to mention uncomfortable and degrading that it stands out, forever burned in horror into the mind of the collective female population. Things like corsets, mini skirts, high heels, and pretty much the entire decade of the eighties, were big mistakes.

Corsets, one of the worst disasters in fashion history, are reportedly coming back into fashion this year. I'm sure they will be extremely popular because everyone knows deformed ribs and horribly abused internal organs are high on every girl's wish list this year. A corset is basically a bodice fitted with thick strings to pull extremely strong and stiff materials lining the bodice into the desired form. They first came out around the Victorian Era, and continued to be in fashion until Coco Chanel finally designed something with the woman's comfort in mind. As you can probably imagine, corsets were not only dangerous, but extremely uncomfortable. I think I'll use the analogy of being run over slowly by a steamroller at the waist. Apparently it's not just the pinching pain and chafing when attempting to move, but the slow suffocation as your ribs struggle against the corset to expand and fill with air that truly displays the real appeal of this wonderful garment. It's not modesty that caused young women to faint so often when faced with a shock, but the sheer lack of air when attempting to have hysterics.

Unlike corsets, which tried to mask the true form of its wearer, miniskirts let it all, literally, hang out. Mini skirts were invented in the sixties in rebellion of the conservatism that had swept the country in previous decades. They symbolized, at the time, sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll. Rock was considered to be 'bad music' and miniskirts were considered the work of the devil. Forgive me, but as for the skirt, I, along with any other female without a model figure, will have to agree. Minis not only expose the legs, but it also exposes the buttocks if the wearer forgets the cardinal rule of mini skirts; Do not bend down. Not only that, but don't sit either, or walk, or try to move in any way. If the mini skirt is mini enough, any movement at all will give a free peep show to anyone who cares to look.

Along with miniskirts, the sixties also spawned towering high-heels. The earliest form of foot torture known to womankind was the binding of women's feet in China. Incidentally, the same culture also produced the first platform heels. The social status was sometimes measured by how high the shoes were, sometimes, needing two, or three servants to support the noble as she teetered along. The current platform heels are slightly more practical than back then, only needing the wearer's extreme care and the occasional boyfriend to conquer the entire mall. The only problem that then remains after countless hours of shopping is the sheer weight of the darn things. Who needs ankle weights when power and agility can be maximized by attempting to run in chunky platform heels? However, as big as they are, the other end of the spectrum is even worse. Stiletto heels take real practice, care, and skill to even stand upright. Stilettos are the spike heels made popular in the seventies and the eighties. Walking on stilettos is like walking on stilts, except there is nothing to hold on to with your hands. The total body weight of the woman has to be split equally between the ball and the heel, and then the weight on the heel must be centered carefully, or the precarious tottering will become a full-scale tumble. Makes me wonder why men think women are the weaker sex.

The era that popularized the stiletto pump, the eighties, had so many fashion disasters that it is impossible to remember them all. Nobody wants to remember what that looked like in the eighties, much less what they wore, but scars such as these are too horrible to forget. It was a time of garish neon and spandex, the eighties confirmed that spandex is a privilege, not a right. One of the main problems the eighties had was not even the clothes, it was the hair. Eighties hair was teased to its fullest, and looked as if it had not been washed in several days. Back then it was cool to appear to have greased your hair, then stuck your fingers in a light socket. The eighties; the incredible wrongness of mullets, side pony tails, over accessorizing, and shoulder pads.

Fashion is often confusing and scary, many horrible mistakes have been made, and hopefully, history will not always repeat itself. We can look back and laugh, but remember, all trends pass. As we struggle by in high school, posing proudly for the camera in our belly tops, flare pants, platform heels, and body piercings, know that the old adage holds true; "Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, then change the subject."