9Murky Waters, Dusky Skies
Part 1: Fly Away I wish that I could fly Into the sky So very high Just like a dragonfly I'd fly above the trees Over the seas in all degrees To anywhere I please Oh I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah yeah yeah Oh I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah yeah yeah - Lenny Kravitz, Fly Away
"Hey, what d'ya reckon bout Jeremy?" Indie's voice, like her body, was swinging, and her eyes were dizzying. She took another sip from the bottle.
"Jeremy?" Sarah asked, sitting down on the swing next to Indie.
"The new guy. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Compleeeeete babe?" She flung her neck back, and swayed recklessly.
"Oh, Jeremy. Yeah, he's all right." Sarah tried to stay calm, but there was a hint of concern in her voice about he friend's state.
"Orright?! He's a fuckin' honey, gorgeous." She laughed like she had just said something hilariously funny.
Sarah strained a laugh.
"So what d'ya wanna do now? I've had enough playground fun in the dark."
It was around midnight on Saturday night. Dale Park was dead. The air was still and all was silent apart from the creaking of the girls' swings.
"I don't knowI mean, it's cold, and I'm pretty beat, maybe I should head home"
"Beat-shmeat!" Indie cried through the silence. "The night has barely startedHere" she held a shakey arm towards Sarah. "Have some Jack. He'll warm you up."
Sarah looked into her eyes. There was a degree of insanity in her dilated pupils. She looked away fast. "I don't want any."
Indie dropped her arm, holding the bottle, in disappointment. Some bourbon escaped but she didn't seem to notice.
"What's wrong with you, Sare? Doncha know how to have fun anymore?"
"I just"
"Don't wanna kill anyone?"
Hearing her say it just like that, even though she was smashed and had no idea what she was saying, sent a chill through Sarah's body.
"That's it, isn't it!" Indie smiled and laughed as though it were eureka. "You think if you get a liiiiiiittle tipsy, you're gonna kill someone. Like I did." There was a certain degree of insanity in her voice now. "But," she lowered her voice. "I didn't kill him you know. It wasn't my fault." She paused a second. "So don't worry, Sare! Drinkshoot uphave fun! Do whatcha like, girlfriend. Do .what you like"
Her inebriated state sickened Sarah. She thought she was going to be violently ill right there and then. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say to Indie. Anything she did Indie wouldn't have remembered in the morning, anyway. So she ran. Into the darkness, she ran. And she just kept running. Piercingly cold winds blew against her body and she felt like she was going to hurl at any second. But she kept running. In the distance, she could hear Indie calling her name and her stumbling attempts to follow her. But she left it all behind. And ran.
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies
Part 2: Sarah
There were five of us. But Ashley and Indie were the only couple. I don't know what attracted Ash to Indie. Actually, that's a lie. Everyone was attracted Indie and I know exactly why. She was sexy, outgoing, fun and charismatic. There wasn't a guy at Lindsay High who would turn her down. What always got me was that they were so unlike. Not to say they were complete opposites. But they didn't have that much in common. Ash was a great guy, but really he wasn't the outgoing party guy Indie wanted. He could be really deep, intelligent and serious when it came down to it. I guess that's what attracted me to him. And I guess that's why I thought he should have been with me, not her.
I had grown up being friends with Indie. Next door neighbours for fifteen years. We were inseparable till we hit high school. Then she went wild and I went studious. We never really discussed our changing friendship. We just pretended that everything was still the same, and we hung out together. But obviously it wasn't. Everything was different.
We met Ashley on his first day at Lindsay – the first day of year ten. We were both instantly attracted to him, as was approximately 97% of the female population at Lindsay. But Indie being Indie made her feelings brutally obvious, and me being me, did not. I didn't even tell her, which I guess marked the great decline of our friendship's break down. I mean it wasn't the start of the demise, it was more like the beginning of the end.
So that's Ashley, Indie and I. The final two were Lucas and Jakob. Indie was always trying to set me up with Luke. He was cool, I spose. I mean, there was nothing wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with either of them. They were both your average teenage guys. But I didn't feel anything for either of them, and I guess if Indie were a true friend, she would respect that, and stop hinting to Luke that I liked him, so that, in turn he would stop trying to feel me up when he was pissed.
Anyway, Luke and Jakob were like Ashley's sidekicks. I guess they didn't really realise it, but Ash had supreme ruling over them.
So there we have it. That's us. That's who I hung with starting from day one, year ten. The five of us use to hang out at Dale Park. It was the best place to hang out.
I remember long happy days of my childhood spent in Dale Park. Me and Indie would play on the playground till nightfall, and we use to swim in Dale Park river on hot summer days.
Indie and I personally set out on a mission to remove the No Swimming signs from Dale Park. As ten-year-olds, we fought the council, and won. The council agreed to let people swim in Dale Park river.
I recall long discussions pondering why it was called a river and who named it. It wasn't a river, see, and it didn't flow anywhere. It was just this amazingly beautiful creek, surrounded by huge rocks on one side, and grass on the other.
For months during year ten, we'd spend all Friday and Saturday night hanging out at Dale Park. It started really innocently. Just a place to kick back, relax, and talk without adult supervision. Then the guys started bringing along stuff. I had no idea what "stuff" it was. Indie seemed to know though. She drank it, snorted it, injected it, swallowed it and smoked it like it was something she did everyday. I suppose from then on, it was. Something she did everyday, I mean. I drank whatever the guys brought, but I never did drugs. I got smashed most nights, and pretended to enjoy myself. Sometimes I did. I don't want to sound like this complete square. This sensible, geeky little girl. Cause I'm not. But I'm not a complete dickhead, either. I wasn't about to risk my life by taking tablets of unknown substances just for the fun of it. Nobody seemed to care that I didn't do any of the hard stuff. Not Indie, not Ash, not anyone. Nobody cared, full stop, I spose.
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies
Part 3: Indie
Sarah is such a nerd.
I don't really know why I hang out with her any more. I mean, she is so obviously not worthy of our group. She won't get with any guys. Like, she thinks she has to love them to date them or something. It's ridiculous, really. High schoolers don't love they just sleep around. And she so doesn't get that. She doesn't get me.
We had one of those straight-outta-the-TV kind of childhoods. We grew up together, we did everything together as kids, we basically lived our childhoods as one. It was corny and saccharine sweet, and completely unrealistic to think we'd be like that our whole lives.
Once I got to high school I thought we'd go separate ways, but Sares didn't really make her own friends. And somehow we just stuck together and we're still together. On the outside we're all friendly and everything but emotionally and realistically we're about as distant as London and New York. Actually, I have no idea how far apart England and the USA are. They're right next to each other for all I know. I've never been one for geography. Sares always was. She'd know.
Anyway, I knew Sarah was always jealous of my relationship with Ash. Right from day one. He didn't like her though. It was plain and simple. Ash and I broke up uncountable times. All through year ten it was on again off again, until, well, everything ended. We had a very passionate, volatile relationship. People call it love-hate. Cept the hating was always one way, and never lasted long. I'm pretty forgiving.
We were broken up for enough time for Ash to have given some hint they he liked Sares. But he didn't. There was nothing to be attracted to in my opinion. She was too much of an introvert. She didn't know the meaning of the word fun. That's why I never really understood why she liked him. How can you go on liking someone who shows no interest back? It's beyond my comprehension.
I loved to have fun. Ash, Luke, Jake and I would be out at Dale Park all night Saturdays' stuffing around. Sares came too, but she never did any of the hard stuff. Another reason why she's not right for Ash, she doesn't take risks. Ash is a major risk taker. Ash and I would get completely whacked then roll around in the grass making out. If we were tired we'd just lie there, looking up at the stars, and eventually we'd pass out and wake up there the next morning. Our parents would kill us. Sares would never be there when we woke up the next morning.
I don't know why Sarah's having this big guilt trip thing of her's. She was barely a part of our Saturday nights
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies
Part 4: To be with you
I seen it all go down Your game of love was all rained out So come on baby, come on over Let me be the one to hold you I'm the one who wants to be with you Deep inside I hope you feel it too Waited on a line of greens and blues Just to be the next to be with you - To be with you, Mr Big Saturday 25th September. 11:23pm. Five teenagers sat along the banks of the Dale Park river. They could barely see each other's faces as they talked loudly among themselves, due to the lack of streetlights. Pale blue moonlight reflected off their faces. A pretty blonde girl reached her arm in front of one of the boy's faces, covering his eyes with her palm flirtatiously. "Guess who, Ash!" she giggled. "Uhmmm" said Ash shaking his head, and humouring the girl. "I don't know. Who is it?" The girl uncovered his eyes and peaked her head into his view. "It's Indie!" she cried, and began laughing uproariously. "Who's Indie? I don't know who Indie is," said the boy, keeping up his innocent act, "but, oooh, you're pretty, and I wanna kiss you" He reached towards her, touched her face and leant towards her. They began to kiss hungrily, until they were lying on the grass on top of each other. The two other boys sat smoking joints and talking about their latest girl conquests (obviously complete fabrications) and the other girl sipped a beer, slightly tipsy, dreamily rocking her body to imaginary beats. A muffled cry came from Ash underneath Indie. He roughly pushed her off him and she rolled off limply. "She passed out with her tongue in my mouth. That is so disgusting" the boy said, wiping saliva from around his mouth. "You're too boring, man" remarked Luke. "Yeah, man. You suck" agreed a dunken Jakob, who had no idea what he was agreeing to. "Fuck you," Ash said, a little insulted. "Whatcha doin', Sarah?" "Huh?" asked Sarah, hearing her name and whipping her head around. "Whatcha doing?" he repeated. "Oh, nothing." She saw the outline of Indie's placid body in the dark, and squinted to see her more clearly. "What happened to her?" "Passed out, the bitch did" Luke replied. "Oh." "Wanna come for a walk?" asked Ash, clumsily trying to get up. "No way." Luke answered. "I was talking to Sarah, you dickhead." "I knowI was answering for herSarah and me are together." He slipped his arm around Sarah's waist, and inched closer to her. He nuzzled into her neck. She could smell the sickly sweet stench of dope on him. Sarah's brain was foggy, but it didn't feel right, and she shrugged him off. "No we're not," she said softly, standing up and moving towards Ashley. She looked into his dark mysterious eyes, and he looked back into her wide, innocent eyes. He smiled. She smiled back, and he slipped an arm around her. She put a hand on his chest, looking up at him. "Why the fuck do you get all the girls, Ash?" Jakob asked, then muttering to himself, "That's so fucked up" "Yeah, man. She's fucking stoned and wouldn't know you from a piece of wood right now. Butshe likes me " Luke said, defiantly. Not entirely comprehensive of the situation, Sarah didn't speak to defend herself or say anything else. She just stood by Ashley with a confused look on her face. "What makes you so sure of that?" Ash asked. "I justI just know" "Uh, huh." He said agreeably. "C'mon, Sarah, let's go." He put an arm around her and she more than submissively walked off with him. Murky Waters, Dusky Skies Part 5: I want you to know who I am And all I can taste is this moment And I don't want the world to see me - Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Ash and Sarah lay on their backs on the grass, staring upwards, through the blackness of the night, the dusky skies, up at the sparkling stars.
"Whatwhat would you wish if you saw a shooting star?" asked Sarah quietly, almost to herself.
"To love someone who loved me back." Ash answered with no hesitation, as if his answer were rehearsed.
Sarah looked away from the stars, towards Ash, but his eyes remained. She looked away quickly, and concentrated on breathing.
"Indie loves you" she said softly, swallowing, with a hint of disappointment at her own words.
"I know."
"Then?" Sarah frowned up at the stars. Her mind was hazy, and it hurt to think. Finally, she stated, "You don't love Indie." There was no disbelief in her voice although there was in her mind.
"I've tried." He said simply.
"But, but, you're so" she couldn't find the words, and somehow there seemed no use trying.
"Indie says you don't need to love to sleep together anyway. She's told me hundreds of times. So she probably doesn't care." The words flew out of her mouth without thinking. It was an automatic reaction.
"She cares. She made me say I loved her before we slept together."
"And you said it?"
"What can I say? I wanted to do it."
Sarah inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I don't have anybody else to tell."
He seemed to have a scripted answer for every question. Had he been planning this, thinking about this moment?
"Why don't you tell Indie? She's the one who needs to know."
"I know. I'm a coward."
"You're not - "
"I am. Because I know what her reaction's going to be."
Sarah did, too, and she shook her head trying to clear the thought. She lay there silently waiting for Ash to say something more. She tried to rid her mind of selfish thoughts. The thought that for once Ash and her were having a deep and meaningful conversation, and that this could bring them closer. And why did their conversation have to be limited to Indie? Was that all they had in common? Why did Ash suddenly open up and now he isn't saying a word?
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
"So tell me, then. Tell me everything." It was like a cue. She had found her script, that was her line, and now Ash could continue.
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies
Part 6: I Don't Wanna Die Anymore
Two months of fun
Two years of pain
Add it up
And get a life of rain
Need to scream
But too ashamed
It's gonna rain, it's gonna rain
You wanna go, you wanna stay, you wanna
You really blew my world
I wanna live and there's only one way
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
Won't you save me?
Two months of sun
A life of rain
Add it up
I'm on my own again
Need to scream
I'm so filled with rage
It's gonna rain, it's gonna rain
You wanna go, you wanna stay, you wanna
You really screwed my world
I gotta live but you stand in the way
I'm pullin' out now
I don't wanna die anymore
I want to live it up
I don't want this high anymore
But I can't give it up
I won't live a lie anymore
I need to give you up
And, oh oh baby, did you think that I was strong?
Well, oh oh honey, can't ya see that you were wrong?
Oh oh baby, did you think that I was strong?
- I Don't Wanna Die Anymore, New Radicals
"I want to break up with her." Ash said, then paused. Sarah could feel it coming, but hearing it said out loud, she still felt surprised. "I know I have to tell her when she's completely sober, as rare as that occasion may be, but that's all I know. I'm confused about how to tell her. I just feel like I don't have a justifiable reason to break up with her?"
"You don't have feelings for her any more?" Sarah suggested.
"But I do."
Sarah's heart sunk.
"Oh."
"I mean, I have certain feelings for her, but I just don't think those feelings are the right kind of feelings to build a relationship on. Or continue one on. Do you know what I mean?"
Ash turned his head from staring into space, and looked at Sarah. She turned her whole body onto her side to face him. She feared that she knew what he meant. That he had sexual feelings for her, but nothing else. But she didn't want to say it. She bit her lip and Ash realised she wasn't going to say anything. He looked back up at the sky.
"I mean, Indie makes out that she is the kind of person who doesn't care about anything. She doesn't care about anybody's opinions. She doesn't care if she fucks a guy who she doesn't love or who doesn't love her. She doesn't care about the consequences of anything. You know? But it's not true. She cares. She just pretends that she doesn't care."
Sarah carefully watched Ash as he spoke. She nodded, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Although he wasn't looking at her, he must have seen her nod out of the corner of his eye. He continued.
"I don't love her, but that's beside the point. I don't even feel like I want to have a relationship with her. She's a gorgeous girl, and I'm attracted to her. But no more attracted than I am to any supermodel. But if I tell her that's my reason for breaking up with her, she won't understand."
"I know," she whispered. It was amazing to hear a person dissect another person so easily. It was as though one's understanding of a person isn't fully comprehensible until it is said out loud.
"I don't want to make up a reason. I don't want to lie. But I think I'll have to. She just wont accept the fact that I find her attractive yet I don't want to go out with her."
"You don't have to lie outright," she murmured, falling backwards to lie on her back. "You can just leave out what she doesn't want to hear."
"What do you mean? Lie by omission?"
"Yeah. What she doesn't know will never hurt her. Don't tell her the whole truth. I know it's hard to do when you're so close to someone. But sometimes it's the only way."
Ash didn't reply, and Sarah didn't add anything more. That was the end of the conversation. Just like that. He didn't have to tell her that that's what he would do. She just knew. They lay there for a long time in silence. Sarah closed her eyes. When Ash looked over he thought she must have fallen asleep. He leaned over towards her, and cupped her face in his hand.
"Thank you, Sarah." He whispered so soft and low that it was barely audible. He kissed her gently on her forehead.
He rolled back over on the grass to go to sleep. Sarah didn't open her eyes, but she shone on the inside, and allowed herself a small smile before falling asleep.
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies Part 7: Unkind Bring it on baby, what you're getting into Is living on pain the thing that's getting to you? Write my name, paint it up my picture Says it's the only thing cuz I'm not around, to be around Beaten and battered What if my dreams get shattered? Then, pain gives me the right to be unkind - Unkind, Tabitha's Secret
"You're breaking up with me?!" Indie screamed, anger written all over her face.
"I'm sorry, Indie." Ash said soothingly. "But I have feelings for Sarah." He slipped an arm around her waist, and they looked at each other smiled.
"What?!" Indie screamed. Her eyes were wide and her jaw hanging open in shock.
Sarah smiled, and looked around her. Grass. No Indie? Huh? Oh, just a dream. She noticed Ash sprawled across the grass by her side, fast asleep. She breathed deeply. Were last night's events just a dream? There seemed to be a blurry line between reality and dreams recently.
She thought she should go find Indie, see if she was okay. But then leaving Ash didn't seem right. She watched him sleeping peacefully.
"Ash," she whispered. He opened his eyes. Light sleeper.
"Oh, hey." He said sitting up, squinting at the overbearing morning light.
She frowned. "When?" She figured if he didn't know what she was talking about, it was a dream.
"When the time's right." He answered. "C'mon, let's go find the others."
"Hey, sweetie." Ash kissed Indie on the forehead.
"Hey," she answered, sitting up and giving him a kiss on the lips. "Oh, fuck." She groaned. "Do we have school today?"
"Nah, it's Sunday."
"Oh."
"I've gotta get home," Sarah said. "I'll see you all tomorrow, kay?"
"Yeah," came the answering call.
"I gotta go, too." Luke said, standing up. "I'll walk ya home."
Inside, Sarah's stomach flipped. It wasn't as though she were scared of Luke, she just hated being alone with him. Everything always went wrong.
"Oh, I got a massive headache," he grunted, as they walked.
"Mmmm," she replied. What was she supposed to say? She barely stopped herself from saying, "Maybe if you laid off that shit you took last night you wouldn't wake up in the morning feeling like shit."
Luke noticed her apathy.
"What the fuck's wrong with you, Sarah?"
"There's nothing wrong with me."
"Then why are you such a bitch?"
"I'm not a bitch."
"Oh, that's right," he said sarcastically. "I'm sorry, I forgot. Around Ash you're Sarah the princess, but when it's me, well, I get Sarah the cow."
Sarah stopped walking, and looked at him askance. "I don't like Ash, if that's what you're thinking," she said with even less conviction that she felt.
"Of course not," he continued sardonically, looking her straight in the eye. "But just for the recordAsh doesn't like you. He's with Indie." He said it deliberately and painfully slowly, pronouncing each syllable as if he were talking to a retard. "So get over your grade school crush." He kept on walking.
She stood stunned for a moment, and then hurried to keep up with him. The question of how someone who was so doped out for so much of the time could be so observant entered her mind, but she pushed it out. She didn't feel like thinking rationally right now.
"You want to know why I treat you and Ash differently? Because you two treat me differently. I give you the treatment you deserve, Luke."
"What the fuck are you on about it?" he asked bewildered.
"Every time I'm with you, you come on to me. You bloody well feel me up, though you probably can't even remember."
"I remember. I'm not stupid. But I don't think I'm the one with the problem."
"Oh, it's my fault that you can't control yourself?"
"Well, what are you? Frigid?"
"I'm not frigid. I want a relationship, not a one night stand, which is all you have to offer."
"You're a stupid fucking bitch. That's why you want Ash, because you see him and Indie with their perfect relationship, and you want it. You don't even want Ash, you just want to be in Indie's position. And you presume that I have nothing to offer. You're only attracted to guys in relationships, and every other guy is a sex-crazed bastard, right? Well, you're wrong. You're a presumptuous little cow, who's too short sighted to see that there is a guy standing in front of you who can give you the Ash-and-Indie relationship you want."
"You're wrong," she cried, shaking her head. Her throat was swelling and she was seething.
He shook his head. She swallowed, and spoke in a soft, sad, faltering voice.
"You say Ash-and-Indie as ifas if it's an adjective. Like it means perfect or something. They're not perfect. And that's not what I want." She couldn't help but get emotional. She was an emotional person. She couldn't help but scream at Luke what he didn't want to hear. What she didn't know she felt. And she couldn't help not thinking before she screamed it. "I don't want a guy who says he loves me to sleep with me." She shook her head as she spoke, and her face was pained and teary. "And I don't want to be drunk every moment we're together. And I don't want a relationship with no communication. And I don't want him to tell my so-called best friend that he's gonna break up with me. I don't want him to break up with me!"
Luke stood dumbfounded, staring at Sarah, who collapsed on the footpath, sobbing hysterically.
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies Part 8: Things I Can't Mention I'm not afraid things won't get better But it feels like this has gone on forever You have to cry with your own blue tears Have to laugh with your own good cheer It's hard to rely on my good intentions When my head's full of things that I can't mention Seems I usually get things right But I can't understand what I did last night There's little relief Give us reprieve Imagining the world outside I'm positive that I'm not blind - Good Intentions, Toad the Wet Sprocket
"Ash isbreaking up with Indie?" Luke asked, with uncertainty in his voice and a furrowed brow.
Sarah answered with tears, crying loudly on the footpath, her head in her hands. She didn't know why she was so upset. She was just confused. She had always seen Luke in such a terrible light, and now, upon realising that he wasn't who she thought he was, she felt awful. Had she been wrong all this time? Was he really a great guy and she had been too blinded by Ash to see it? She was annoyed at herself for being attracted to Ash. The attraction was so pretentious. She just wanted someone to be there, and she thought that someone had to be Ash. Was Luke right? Was Sarah envious of Indie's position? Of having a significant other? Sarah didn't know. She felt so lost.
"C'mon," Luke said, hand outstretched. "I'll take you home." She took his hand and stood up. On the way to Sarah's house they didn't talk, but Sarah's crying subsided to a gentle sobbing. There were so many thoughts rushing through her head, she couldn't think straight. She felt manic and completely out of control. She knew she needed to find some control on her life. Soon.
"Sarah." A low voice spoke into her ear. She spun around from her locker.
"Ash, what are you doing here?"
"School," he answered simply. "It's what we do, you know?"
"I know, but..." It wasn't like him to be at school this early in the morning. He'd usually stroll in just as the bell rang.
"Yeah, I have to speak to you"
She nodded.
"I think we made a mistake. I made a mistake."
"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.
"I mean, the decision we made. I mean, I made. I think it was wrong."
"You're not going to break up with Indie?"
"I can't. I'm sorry."
She shook her head. "Don't be sorry. There's no reason to be sorry."
"YeahWell, I can't do it. And I just wanted to tell you to, like, forget we ever had any of these conversations."
"Okay. Sure." She said it so confidently, like it was the simplest, easiest thing in the world. But there were so many complications.
As Ash walked away, the questions poured into Sarah's mind.
What made him change his mind? Why hadn't she asked him what it was that made him change his mind?! Why was he backing away from her? Weren't they getting along well before? Did he like her? Did she like him?! And most importantly, what was she going to do about Luke? Why the hell did she tell Luke?!
She sighed.
"Sarah!"
She jumped slightly, and dropped the book she was putting into her locker.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Luke said sincerely, picking up the dropped book and handing it to her.
"That's okay. I'm kinda jumpy today, I guess." She took the book, put it in her locker and closed the door.
"I just wanted to see how you're doing."
"Oh"
"Are you okay? I mean, yesterday was sort of weird, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm fine." She mumbled. Something inside her was urging her to tell him. Tell him it's not going to happen, tell him she was lying, she was delirious. Anything. But her mouth wouldn't move. She couldn't look at him. His eyes were boring at her, unwaveringly. But she avoided eye contact. What had happened yesterday? Who was this new Luke, and what happened to the old Luke?
"I was wondering, you know, if you'd like to do something tonight."
"Ummmm" Oh fuck, she thought. He's asking me out on a date?!
"Not a date. Just like, something."
Oh, not a date, just a something, well that makes it all better. What conversationalists we are, she thought. "Oh, well, actually I'm busy."
"Oh"
Sarah could hear the disappointment in his voice.
"I have to go now," she said quickly and walked quickly away from him, leaving him speechless, and standing alone by the lockers.
What the fuck am I doing? Sarah thought. Why can't I tell Luke that Ash isn't breaking up with Indie anymore? Because I like Luke? Because I'm scared he'll think I made it up? That I lied for attention, for his sympathy? Am I scared he'll think I like him? No, he already thought that.
I only just realised it's not Ash I wanted, it's a relationship. And now I realise I'm not ready for either.
Murky Waters, Dusky Skies
Part 9: If
If I could wake up
And see another day
If I could fake all
The lies I'd never said
How would I know you
If I had turned away
What that would show you
I never could have said
And we've got to run
Deep through these forests
Or hang upon the hill
I've got a wish
Something to promise
But, no I never will
If I could walk out
And see another sky
If I could talk about
The heavens that had cried
How I would love you
And never walk away
How I would show you
I've never had to pray
- Run, Four Star Mary
"Where's Jakey-boy? Where's Sarah?" As Indie asked she looked directly at Luke.
"What the fuck are you looking at me for? Why would I know where she is?"
"I thought you two were all buddy-buddy, lovey-dovey. Or is it fucky-fucky?" She laughed to herself, as she walked closer to Luke.
"No," he said, fascinated at the ground about a metre in front of him.
"She turn you down did she, Lukey?" Indie's face was so close to him, he could smell the booze on her breath.
"Fuck off, Indie"
"Maybe she's off with Jakob. That's be an insult, eh?"
"Ash! Get your fucked up girlfriend away from me," Luke said.
"Indie!" Ash called, like you would a dog, from a few metres away.
Indie turned her head, pouting at Ash, and then whipping her head back towards Luke.
"Don't worry Luke, Sarah's just frigid."
"She's not fucking frigid. Don't say that."
"Oh, are you still delusional? You still think you have a chance?"
"Shut the fuck up!" He was so pissed off at Indie he felt like killing her at this very moment. Exactly why, he wasn't sure. "You think I'm in a fucking hole? In a couple of days you're gonna be in deeper than me. You're gonna be so fucked up and lost you won't know what to do with yourself"
"Can you say delusional'?" she smiled slyly.
"I'm not delusional. You think you can get away with dropping Ash every couple of months, and then have him crawl to your feet again? Not this time. This time it's fucking over! And I don't have one fucking bit of sympathy for you! Go screw yourself."
There was dead silence for a few moments. The sound of Luke's breathing was eminent.
"What the fuck?" came a low voice, "That bitch."
"What bitch? What's going on here, Ash?" Indie demanded.
"Nothing," Ash answered.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
"No."
"Then why did Luke say you were?"
"Cause he's fucked up, sweetie. Both of them." His eyes were narrowed towards Luke.
Luke couldn't believe he was denying it. "It's true Indie. He's fucking lying to you now. He told Sarah, and Sarah told me."
"You told Sarah you were breaking up with me?!" Indie screamed.
"No. Indie, just shut up for a second. Luke, are you saying Sarah told you I was breaking up with Indie?"
"Yeah, because you told her."
"I didn't."
"Why the fuck would she make something like that up?"
"I don't know," he answered, his voice faltering. "She just did, okay?" he added quietly.
Indie shook her head. "Fuck, Ash! Break up with me, I don't give a fuck! But don't fucking tell that stupid little bitch before you tell me! Cause that hurts!"
Ash looked at her silently and regretfully. Anything he said would just make things worse. He broke eye contact, and began walking away, along the bank of the river. He kicked a stone as he walked along.
"Oh, for fuck's sake! It's true, isn't it?! Don't walk away from me. Aren't you at least going to explain yourself?!" She called after him.
"Let him go." Luke said.
"I will not fucking let the bastard go!" Indie said, running after him. She caught up to him quickly.
"Talk to me, Ash!"
"What do you want to hear?!" he asked quietly, turning towards her. Behind him the water in the river was black and still. A feeling of numbness filled the air, and all that could be heard was the rapid breathing of Indie.
"I want to know what you're feeling. Tell me. Do you want me? Do you want Sarah? Tell me!" she cried fervently. She looked pained.
"I don't have anything to say to you."
"You do. I have the right to know what's going on."
"I agree. But I don't know what's going on, okay? I don't know how I feel."
"For fuck's sake, Ash! I'm in the dark here. I have no idea what's going on. Anything you say has to help me out here. I'm grasping. Tell me what you're thinking. Say something. Don't just walk away from this. You can't walk away."
"What am I thinking right now? I'm thinking I want to die. I'm confused. I regret things I've done, and said, and things that I haven't done or said. I want to change my past. I don't know what I'm feeling, what I felt or what I should be feeling. I'm not looking forward to the future. I think this life's not worth living."
"Don't make me feel sorry for you," Indie said sharply, shaking her head. "Don't give me that pathetic self-pity!"
"I told you I had nothing to tell you. You're the one who forced me to say it, so don't blame me for what you're hearing."
"Oh fuck this! Fuck you, Ash!" she cried, pushing him hard. It was with anger and without conscious thought. It just happened. If they hadn't had been drunk maybe it wouldn't have happened. If she hadn't been so angry she wouldn't have been violent. If he hadn't been so despondent he wouldn't have lost his footing and slipped. He wouldn't have hit his head on the rock. He wouldn't have fallen. He wouldn't have died.
But he did.
Part 10: The End is the Beginning
I remember that morning so clearly. I was still in bed, and mum came to my room and said Indie was here to see me. I knew something was wrong immediately. Indie hadn't come to my house for years. When I saw her mum with my mum in the kitchen, and then Indie's face, I think I already knew.
I remember how I felt. I still have those same feelings. I remember the tears. I still cry those same tears.
I remember Indie and I going outside, and we sat on my back porch. I can still hear her voice faltering, as she told me he was drunk. He fell. That no one else was involved. They had been fighting. Verbally. But no one touched him. The way she said it, I knew she was lying. But she never changed her story. Everyone believed it. I wondered how the police hadn't picked up her lies, but obviously drunk teenage boys died all the time. And it was no one's fault but their own.
As far as Indie's concerned everything is fine. She puts it down to fate. He was the victim of circumstance. In fact, he was suicidal, so he probably killed himself. No one's fault.
I know Ash would never have killed himself. I know.
Luke and I were the only ones who knew what really happened. We've been dating for a few months now, and he is the most amazing person. After Ash's death, I felt like I couldn't go on living. But Luke was there every minute. He knew I felt it was my fault. That if I hadn't told him, he wouldn't have told Indie, and Indie wouldn't have gotten angry and pushed him. But then he felt guilty, because he could have stopped that chain of events, if he hadn't told Indie. I guess it gave us something in common. We both had guilt and regret that we would hold forever.
Yeah, I pushed him. So what? I did not kill him. He was suicidal. I gave him an excuse to die, and he took it. I did not kill him. I refuse to believe that.
I knew if I told everyone what really happened, they wouldn't believe me. They'd say it was all my fault. But it wasn't. It was no one's fault. It was an accident.
I know if I told the truth, I'd be in therapy right now. That's why I had to lie. I suspect Sares and Luke know the truth. In fact, Luke has to know the truth. He wasn't that far away when it happened. I've never talked to him about it. He told the police he knew nothing. He heard arguing and then a scream. I mean, maybe he was telling the truth. It was dark, after all. Maybe he couldn't see me push him. I don't know.
What I do know is that I don't like what has happened, but I have to move on. Sares and I hang out occasionally, but she gets freaked out around me. She thinks I've treated this whole thing too lightly. But I wonder why she's having such a hard time getting over it. Sometimes I wonder if Ash and her had something going on behind my back. I mean, I asked her once about her and Ash. She said nothing happened, except that one time they talked and he said he was going to break up with her, then he decided not to, but she had already told Luke, or something like that.
I really don't understand why she feels so guilty or whatever. I mean, surely I've gotta have more guilt than her? And I don't have much, so, you know.
Sares needs Luke around these days. She clings to him way too much. But, I mean, I don't care. They can have each other. I'll find someone else. I'll find new friends. Start afresh.