and here's that whole poem/thought thing from the 17th of september

all i really want is someone to talk to
someone that's mine
so it has to be a guy
so it can't be a guy with a girl
so it has to be a single guy
and there is an amazing shortness of those
apparently...
i really liked talking to brian that day
it was so nice to have someone to talk to
that nobody else had to themselves
that's why i don't like talking to jason
or even as much kyla
but kyla's pretty nice
but she still has jason,
and i know that if i say something
jason just might hear it,
and therefore brian would too
that's why i can't just say i like him
i'm especially glad now that i didn't
because now i know he doesn't like me
i can tell by the way he avoids me
i had just been feeling so confident
and i had tried to build myself up
to something that brian could live with
(figuratively of course) ha
i tried to look nice and act nice
and i tried to leave all my doors open
but somehow a week without seeing him
was apparently too much
for him at least ...
i was so looking forward to seeing him
but i guess that doesn't matter now
i'm back to nothing
the neighbour kids are such fools
and i just feel stupid around them
because they're like watching television
they dumb you down
they rot your brain
especially that ryan guy
and he wondered why i just started ignoring him?
what a fool..really what a fool
so now i can tell two of them apart...ryan and mike
and i know there's a john in there somewhere
mike is an o.k. guy
but brian is better
because brian is actually smart
and brian's never had any one before
and somehow that's very important to me
because of myself i guess
...i guess...
nothing is clear to me anymore
except for the fact that i don't have anyone
i have no one to talk to.
it makes me feel better not to say anything at all with them
than to talk and try to fit in
if i do then that drags me down to them
and i want to stay up here with me
maybe i think i'm better than some people
because i've worked harder to be better than them
better than those type of people
knowing things they'll never care about
like the capitals of small euro countries
and a sentence in farsi and bahasa and spanish
and the worth of a franc to the dollar
and the words to beatles songs and tool songs and verdi songs alike
and how to correctly form a sentence, in french, german, and english
and that ceylon is the old name of sri lanka
and that j.f.k. died in 1963
and what mu alpha theta spelt
and having a large vocabulary that i actually use
and the Bible...

and my imagination...

i don't believe anyone is better than anyone else
unless they try
they are not born better
it's not money
it's knowledge
and knowledge is not the same as education
education is school
knowledge is learning from mistakes and other people's mistakes
learning from life

i think brian is smart
maybe i'm wrong
but as far as i can pick up
he is smarter than all of them
i can tell that
and i like watching him
he is much better than jason
because he's cleaner
and he's not as annoying
or unapproachable
he's down to earth
and straightforward
i don't think he would lie too much
he's not that fat
i think it's just a belly
and i think he's cute
even if he did cut off his hair
and his hair looked good long
and he's funny
plus he's not a creep
he doesn't say things for no reason at all
like jason and david do
and the neighbour kids
they don't do anything for a reason
i wish kyla had never brought it up
the whole brian thing
if she didn't know anything for sure
but she couldn't know that i didn't have
anything else to look forward to
i know she didn't mean to do that
i just feel so lonely
and they act like brian is
but kyla did say he's picky
why would i ever think that i would be any different
i'm no different than anyone else
i'm just another emo kid
that cries and plays guitar and whines
excuse me sings
and denies being emo
i'm going for the whole vegan/anorexic look
it'll be a few months before i pull it off
cos first i have to stop being fat
but i can do it
i have to still eat of course
otherwise i'll end up binging
but i'll just eat less and less
until i just eat carrots and tomatoes
and have ranch on a piece of lettuce for dessert
and maybe celery on fridays
so there it is
there's nothing different or spectacular about me
i always thought that was the biggest hit
against an average american kid
finding out that you're just like everyone else
and there's nothing cool about you
that someone will find out one day
and there's not going to be some fabulous person
that is going to rescue you up
and tell you you're the best ever
you're always just going to be another kid
lost in the billions
who cares if i speak another language
in europe they all speak 3
who cares if i taught myself guitar
everyone can play guitar
who cares if i taught myself to sing
everyone can sing in some 'style'
who cares if i read a lot
you just gotta know how
there'll never be anything about me
that i can say is special
i'm not lucky, i'm not deprived
i'm just average
i'm not one in a million
i'm one of a million
who are just like me
just a grain of sand in the sea
just another face on the sidelines
just another brat
that tries to hate themselves
but secretly believed they had a chance
but they had to fall on their ugly face
to find out
that they were nothing too
nothing and no one
having nothing of value
and no one trustworthy
that is the ultimate blow
that is the ultimate fall
but i would rather blow up on the 100th floor
than fall from the 80th
i'm so down right now
and i don't have anyone to talk to
and the most depressing thing
is that it's not because there's no one to be had
they are out there
they just don't want to be had by me
all i am is a kid right now
i need a little higher social interaction
but i am not in the exact position for that
but those around me constantly
don't really like me either
i'm too bad to fit in with good
and too good to fit in with bad
so i don't really fit in anywhere
i'm horrible
i'm the worst of everything
and everyone knew it before i did
just like having your shirt unbuttoned
and no one telling you
and you find out when you get home
and you wonder how many jerks
sat there and talked to you and smiled and laughed with you
and it was at everything but what you were saying
and all night long you looked like an idiot
and no one ever bothered to tell you
every one knew but you
that's what it's like
that's what i've felt like my whole life, like
everyone laughing at me behind my back
everyone letting me find out for myself
what is wrong with me
but that's just another one of those things
everyone has to find out
i'm no different from everyone else
i'm not going to get a special message 2 minutes
before i do something wrong
nope. i just have to fall on my face
like every other snot nosed little spoiled brat
trip and fall trip and fall
it seems like it's all i do
if i had time to build back up
maybe i could feel better and fall less
but my falls are so frequent and closely together
that i have no time to climb a little
so i fall further and further
that's right, further and further
not farther and farther
farther would be a measure of space
but further is a degree
i am not falling farther
i am falling further
this is the same thing that has happened to america
she has realized that she's just like
the weak little countries she supports and protects
she is just as real as they are, just as mortal
her borders are penetrable
her walls can crumble
her people can die
she can fall
though she is richer
though she is more educated
though she is younger
though she is more blue blooded
she is also naive
she is too friendly
she is too innocent
she is too happy
she is too educated, too rich too young
she did not understand war
or fear
or blood
or fire
or death
or knowledge
or vengeance
or truth
or threats
or terror
america has lost the thick skin
that she had grown for two hundred twenty five years
she has learned to cry together
and mourn together
she has learned that she must be one
to be anything at all
she has learned that the oddest little symbols (like flags on a car)
will help to unite us (and slow the speed and level of madness at which we drive)
she has learned that loss
brings us together
she has learned that blood
is thicker than petty differences
she has learned that in time of trouble
it is time to unite
america has learned her lesson
to not be prideful

because pride cometh before a fall.

*may God punish the naivety of the people who did this.
and give His help to those who had this done unto them.*

monday, 17 september, 2001
six days after the bombing