joshua rutland


i must learn to envelope the day

i can only wonder what i need to do to redeem myself.

he loved me so much that he would die for me. he told me this all the time. i know he really meant that. our departure from one another was not predestined it was not foreordained. it was my fault and i know it. i've excepted it as that.

i am the failure in this situation

he is the hero

i loved him with all my might and he loved me with less of his. and he was mighty strong. but his strength went less and less to me and more and more to himself.

if i could write him a letter and have him actually read it it would say:

i love you and wish you would come back to me. i'm sorry you've developed this certain air of hatefulness around me. i'm sorry for what i did to you. i'm sorry that i didn't hold onto you those days we were together. those days that we would lie in the meadow across the pipeline over the stream. those days i would lie and stare at the sky while you lay and stared at me and loved me with your eyes. those days the trees threw shadowy blankets over us and we would hold hands tighter everytime the sun filtered down through the grey clouds in striped rays of white. those days i smiled and we didn't have to speak. those days that you would trace your finger around my face and kiss my forehead and the wind would blow my hair across my face and you would laugh and brush it away. i should have held you tighter. i didn't think i could, but now i know i should have.

i didn't hold you tight enough.