She was keen on offering a terrible fright
To anyone who'd dare read something she'd write
And so she began to her epic plight
"Well I'll be corn swaggled," said Bunny, who was dressed to impress, though she'd missed the New Years eve party's main gala, having been passed out from od'ing on the Jack Daniels. Her sparkly lavender strappy top and blue pleather snakeskin skirt didn't quite match the fishnets, combat boots, white pimp hat and boa, but that never stopped Bunny.
She was out for the post New Years bashes with her good pals Lars the female lumberjack and Mandé, future wife of Russell Crowe, despite the vast age difference. The three girls no longer had their own story about their adventures in calculus, so Bunny took it upon herself to write her own story. She whipped her long blonde hair over one shoulder as she turned to address her companions once more.
"I thought I'd seen it all before tonight. But when a gaggle of mimes get together to show off their g-strings, I know I've really entered the Twilight Zone."
"That is really the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," said Lars, shivering in the night air, despite the thick jacket covering her orange hot pants and lime green inverted halter top, which she had smashingly accessorized with 6 inch platforms over patterned slipper socks.
"Well, it's not so bad, I mean, it could be worse," offered Mandé, bouncing off from one high heel to the other. The feather on her pimp hat was slightly larger than Bunny's, and it whipped back and forth in the wind as she danced about, trying to keep her skin warm beneath the black bikini top she wore with full length gloves, along with a hula skirt and lei.
"I don't see how that's possible," shivered Lars. But then, it promptly got worse as one rather well endowed mime approached the trio.
"Check out my sack," he said, holding it.
"Oh, yum!" exclaimed Bunny.
"Wanna taste one?" he asked.
"How much?" she queried.
"It's on the house," he said as he reached downwards.
"You're not actually going to put that thing in your mouth, are you?" exclaimed Lars, aghast.
"Why not?" asked Bunny.
"You have no idea where that thing has been!"
"Don't you be talkin' bout my sack here, I paid big money for these!" said the mime.
Lars and Mandé walked away in disgust, quickly followed by Bunny. She had decided that she wasn't really in the mood for a White Castle ® cheeseburger anyway, especially one that came from a sack held by some mime in a g-string.
The girls were just on their way inside a rather promising looking nightclub when suddenly the skies burst open and a large object descended from the sky.
The trio approached the saucer shaped something with caution, failing to notice that nobody else appeared to be seeing the thing.
"What do you think it is?" asked Mandé.
"Hopefully nothing that will snag my slipper socks," said Lars, who was grumpy because she was still not partying at a post new years party.
"Now this could be the traces of Jack Daniels talking, but I think it's a spaceship!" said Bunny.
"Right you are, Earth Girl," said a midget wearing a cowboy hat. He had opened a hatch in the ship, and walked down a flight of retractable stairs.
"Groovy," said Bunny.
"Unfortunately, I am long overdue on my intergalactic vacation. So I am leaving the duty of keeping the universe safe to you three luscious ladies," he said, eyeing them.
"This is not a free show. It costs money to see under these jackets!" said Lars.
"Not when you have x-ray vision!" laughed the little man before hopping away on a pogo stick.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" cried Bunny as she began to run up the stairs.
"I'm not so sure this is a good idea," cautioned Mandé.
"Yeah, what about the parties?" whined Lars.
"OHMIGOSH GUYS! We get super powers!" exclaimed Bunny.
Mandé and Lars looked at each other before rushing up the stairs behind Bunny.
"Ooooo! I get to be Playboy Bunny Girl!" exclaimed Lars.
"Hey, shouldn't I be the bunny?" asked Bunny.
"Nah, too obvious," said Mandé.
Lars then stepped under the Magic Change-O Ray, and became Playboy Bunny Girl!
"You know, your outfit doesn't look too different from the one you already had on," said Mandé.
"I wasn't wearing bunny ears and a tail before, duh!" she exclaimed.
"Well, I think I'm going to be MovieSta Girl!" said Mandé.
"Why Sta and not Star?" asked Bunny.
"Because I'm keeping it real wit da pimp hat, yo! I'm gonna be a ghetto fabulous movie sta!" responded Mandé.
She then took her turn under the Magic Chang-O Ray and became Moviesta Girl!
"What kind of super heroine are you going to be, Bunny?" asked Lars.
"Heroin?" asked Bunny. "Ooo! I got it! I'm going to be Drug Dealer Girl!"
"How are you going to save the universe with talents associated with that super heroine?" asked Lars.
"How are you going to do anything productive as Playboy Bunny Girl?" retorted Bunny.
"Ummm, death by sexual exhaustion?"
"Well, then I've covered death by drug overdose!"
"Okay, you girls are both equally powerful and deadly," said Mandé, calming them.
So they then set off on their spaceship, which Mandé had quickly learned how to pilot, when minions of the greatest enemy the world has ever known, BOYZ, suddenly appeared.
"You mean to tell me that a bunch of boyz are going to try and take us down?" said Bunny. "That's pathetic. I mean, really."
"How do you mean?" asked Mandé, who was contemplating her future lovetoy Russell.
"Boyz are like dogs. You have to feed them, clean up after them, and take care of them just so some hairy creature can jump up and slobber all over you! Boyz can't take care of themselves. They can't even ask for directions! I wonder how they found us . Hey, anybody know why boyz like smart girls, like us?"
"Why?" asked Mandé.
"Because opposites attract."
"Grow your own dope - plant a man!" said Lars.
"I'm Drug Dealer Girl, I should've had that line!" joked Bunny.
"Hmmm. I guess I never really took the extreme feminist position before," said Mandé.
"We're not feminists, we're just disappointed," said Lars.
"Right-o," said Bunny. "Now let's obliviate these boyz!"
"Wait, we can't," said Mandé.
"Huh? Why not?" asked Bunny.
"Part of the plot of this story is that we are captured so that we are brought before our ultimate nemesi and battle with them," said Lars solemnly.
"We have nemesi?" asked Bunny.
"Indeed," said Mandé.
"My nemesis is Mormon Zealot, who fights against bared skin, premarital sex, and of course, magazines such as the one that employs my talents," said Lars.
"Mine is Person Who Talks During Movies, the ultimate enemy of theatre goers anywhere!" said Mandé.
"Your nemesis is The Truth!" said Lars.
"Wait, why is my bad guy a good guy?" asked Bunny.
"Perhaps it will lead to your ultimate undoing!" cackled Lars.
"But I don't wanna be undone!" wailed Bunny.
"Lars, that wasn't nice. And no Bunny, you won't be undone! Maybe it's a phony Truth Ad," said Mandé.
"But truth ads never lie! That's the point!"
"We'll worry about it later," said Mandé, before continuing with her explanation. "All three get their power from the great Testosteronus Androgynistus!"
'Androgynistus? As in-"
"Shush, Bunny! Don't spoil the ending!" exclaimed Mandé.
"Whoops, sorry," said Bunny.
During the course of this conversation, the boyz had managed to pull their ship in with a tractor beam. It required much effort on the boyz's part, despite the fact that the awesome threesome had not even fired a shot.
What happens to our three fair heroines? Only time will tell, because I haven't finished this yet! This one's for you, Mandé. And while yours and Lars' outfits may be made up, I really did wear that on New Year's Eve .