"So you just left the Grim Reaper's head in the back seat of your car?"

Calvin stumbled to his feet, clutching his stomach, which was trying to empty its contents on the street below. His mind was trying to stay afloat in the squall of bizarre occurrences around him, and he heard singing in the distance. He lifted his eyes looking for the source of the pleasant sound, and saw the spires of a sprawling gothic church a few blocks away.

Calvin plodded towards the church attempting to focus on the singing and ignore the chaos surrounding him. To his left, he heard the shrill screams of a black teenage boy as a withered old woman stabbed him with an umbrella and took his shoes.

The massive oak door of the church loomed before him at last. Calvin leaned against the monolith and pushed it open with the last of his strength and collapse into the foyer. Just before passing out, he saw a group of nuns, their faces covered with veils, scurrying towards him like mice, and the sweet singing faded away and became a buzzing in his ears.

* * *

Bright sunlight shining sweetly on a field of wheat; screaming children trapped within the burning barn; angels sipping blood from the blighted bodies of weary wanderers.

All the images coalesced as Calvin's eyelids fluttered. Hovering over him was the face of an ancient man, his skin like leather, with wisps of long gray hair growing out of his ears, and icy blue eyes. His speech was soft carrying with it a general pleasantness.

"Speak, my child."

It was at this moment that Calvin saw the gleaming white collar around the elderly man's neck. "Oh thank God."

The old man appeared puzzled for an instant then continued, "My name is Father Pater."

"Isn't 'pater' Latin for 'father'?"

"It is actually."

"So you're Father Father?"

"I suppose so."

"That's just fucked up." Calvin's eyes rolled back into his head, and he passed out again.

* * *

Calvin woke up with a buzzing in his ears. As consciousness seized hold of his sleeping mind, the buzzing took on a melodic quality, and became the humming of one of the veiled nuns, as she scurried about the room. As Calvin's eyes searched up and down the nun's body, he noted how the clinging black cotton robe left nothing to the imagination, accentuating all the features of this presumably young and very healthy servant of God.

"What's that you're humming?"

The young woman stopped and turned to face him. Although Calvin couldn't see her eyes through the veil, he could feel her gaze like ants crawling over him. The nun remained silent still starring in Calvin's direction.

Calvin cleared his throat, "Could I maybe have a glass of water?"

The silent nun began humming again and shuffled out of the room. As she left, Tony watched the material of her robe hugging her hips tightly causing her to take short mincing steps, and giver her ass the definition of a whore.

While waiting for the nun to return, Calvin heard louder humming from down the hall outside his room. He stood up slowly to survey his surroundings. Stacks of dusty books lay all about the simple cot on which he had been resting. Just as he bent down to look closer at the nearest book, the loud humming stopped, and the old priest appeared at the doorway, with flushed cheeks and a wide grin of his face.

"The sisters told me you were awake!" The old man took a deep breath. "How glad it makes me that we can now learn something of what brought you to us."

"You want the whole story?"


So Calvin told him.

The priest was shaking his head from side to side, "Let me make sure I've got this right. You were driving home, and you ran over the grim reaper, and after that all these weird things started happening."

"That's it, exactly."

"So by that, you mean you don't consider running over the grim reaper in the first place to be one of the weird things?"

Calvin suddenly felt dizzy again. "What did you just say?"

"I was just wondering why you don't consider running over the grim reaper in the first place to be one of the weird things."

"Sorry, I just had the worst case of déjà vu of my life."

At that moment one of the humming nuns stepped through the doorway, naked from the waist down except for a pair of platform heels, which clicked on the stone floor with each step.

"Oh… my… God." Calvin leaned on one of the stacks of dusty books for support, then quickly withdrew his hand as he saw the giant pentagram emblazoned on the leather cover.

The priest was still smiling, "Don't be afraid my son. She will cleanse you of these torments."

The humming nun placed her hands on Calvin's shoulders and pushed him back onto the bed. Calvin leaned back and became lost in the infinite depth of her black veil.

* * *

Calvin awoke and saw the veiled face of the humming nun to his left, as snapshot images of the ecstasy of the night before flooded his mind's eye.


Just like a Polaroid, you think it'll turn out faster, if you shake it and blow on it. Here's the new Picasso masterpiece: The Reinvention of Sex.


Like one of those black and white photos that's more like yellow and gray. Imagine the pure and simple mechanical act of love that everyone thinks the Amish have.


And this one didn't turn out.

Calvin sat up, now fully awake. The nun to his left began humming again, and Calvin reached for her veil. He tugged gently on the corner and the thin sheet of fabric fell from her face.

Calvin leapt back out of the bed and collided with a stack of books, spilling satanic literature all across the floor. Beneath the nuns veil was the all too familiar bleach white skull and glowing eye sockets.

The humming stopped and a soft voice whispered, "There still aren't any answers."