Authors Note: I had to write a teleplay for English class my freshman year of high school. I couldn't think of anything, so this is what came out. Definitely scary. Interesting though. Very random. I somehow got an A on it. I don't know how. Don't ask. Rated PG for inflatable baseball bats. If you think about it in the right way, it's also kind of philosophical. I think. Shutting up now…

Disclaimer: They do not belong to…hey! Why am I writing this thing? This time they actually DO belong to me! Oh happy day…

Huh?! I'm Confused!

Characters: Me

Me #1 (1)

Me #2 (2)

Me #3 (3)

Script Writer (SW)

Director (D)

ME is sitting at a desk towards the left of the stage. Her fist is under her chin and she is thinking hard. ME #1, ME #2, and ME #3 appear from behind her.

ME #1 (assuming the same position as ME; thoughtfully): I need an idea.

ME#2: You do, do you?

1: Yes.

Me #3: Well, you could…

2 (cutting 3 off): Hey! I know!

3 (angrily): You cut me off!

2 (surprised): I did?

3: Yes.

2: Sorry.

1: Can we get back to me?

2 (ignoring 1; apologetically): I didn't MEAN to cut you off.

3: But you did.

Director: Stop it!

Everyone quiets down.

D: That's better.

3 (quietly): I'm still angry.

2 (curiously): Why?

3: Because you cut me off.

2: I didn't hear you talking.

1 (sarcastically, softly): How could you NOT?

3: Grrrrrr…

2: Grrrrrr…

(SCRIPT WRITER runs onto the stage and stands between the arguing 2 and 3.)

Script Writer (frantically): Please! Stop! This isn't what I wrote!

1: Then what did you write?

SW: Not this!

1: Then what?

SW (ashamed; whispering): I don't know.

1 (surprised): What do you mean you don't know?! You wrote the script!

SW: So? I forgot what I wrote…

1: HOW can you FORGET what you wrote?!

SW: I don't know, but…

D (out of nowhere): QUIET! QUIET ALL OF YOU!

2: I think he wants us to be quiet.

1 (sarcastically): What made you think that?

2: Lucky guess?

3 (upset): You heard him. Why didn't you hear me?

2 (angrily): Don't start with that! I SAID I was sorry.

3(sarcastically): Sure you are.

1 (pleading): Can you guys please stop?

SW: How did all this start anyway?

3: You mean you don't know?

SW: Nope. I forget what I wrote and I came in late.

2: You're the Script Writer and you don't know?!

3 (amazed): How is that possible?

SW: I don't know. Why are you asking me?

1: I've tried to figure that out.

3: Have you come up with anything yet?

1: Nope.

2: Oh.

3: I think that Script Writer needs help. (turns to face to the side of the stage) DIRECTOR!

D: What?

3: Come here!

D: Why should I?

3: Because I said so.

D: Is that a reason?

1: I think so. (to 1 and 2) Don't you think so?

2: I definitely think so. (to DIRECTOR) Do you REALLY want to face her wrath?

D: Now that you mention it…(pauses) I think I'll come over. (walks onto stage)

1 (softly under breath): Wise decision.

D (to 3): What did you want to talk to me about?

3 (angrily): That script writer doesn't know what she' s doing. She doesn't remember anything she wrote! How can we know what we're doing if we never got copies of anything and she doesn't remember?

D (confused): Umm, I don't know. How do you?

3: That's what I'm asking you.

D (muttering to self while pacing up and down the stage): Oh, umm, let me think, we could, no, that won't work, that's it! I got it! We could get a new script writer!

SW (screaming at top of lungs; on knees in front of DIRECTOR): NO! You can't! You can't replace me! I'm irreplaceable. (whining) You can't you can't you can't!

D: Why can't I?

SW: Because.

D: Because why?

SW: Because why?

D: Because why.

SW (deviously): Because I said so.

D: Oh. (pauses. Face brightens) Okay then. I won't fire you.

SW (happily; hugging DIRECTOR's legs): Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!

2 (to 1 and 3; angry) Anyone else have any bright ideas?

1: None here.

3: Not at the moment. Give me a few minutes and I'll think of something. (pauses) Whether it will work or not is a different story though.

1 (to 2): Do you have any ideas?

2: Why do you think I asked you guys?

1: True.

3: Yeah.

(Everything is quiet for two minutes. No movement is seen. Somewhere in the distance, a loud noise is heard.)

From Somewhere in the Distance: BOOM!

1 (surprised and scared): WHAT WAS THAT?!

2: I don't know.

3 (matter of factly): It was a BOOM.

2 (sarcastically): No,really? I never would have known that if you hadn't told me.

3: Really?

2: No, not really you… you… you…umm… not smart person! (whacks 3 on the head with an inflatable purple baseball bat)

3: Hey! That hurt! (takes inflatable blue baseball bat and whacks 2. 2 hits 3 back and a miniature war begins.)

2: That hurt!

3: Ow!

2: Watch where you're swinging that thing!

3: Me watch?! You watch!

2: OW!

SW: Did I write this in?

1: Please shut-up. You don't belong here anymore. Good-bye.

SW: Director! Help! You said you wouldn't fire me!

D: Huh?

1: Well I didn't! (shoves scriptwriter off stage.)

SW's voice: Hey! You can't do this to me! I have a contract! (scriptwriter comes storming back on stage, almost bumping into 2 and 3 who are still hitting each other with inflatable baseball bats.)

1: I thought I told you to get lost.

SW: Well I'm back. (takes out green inflatable baseball bat and starts hitting 1.)

1: Ow! Stop that!

SW (evilly with malicious grin and evil cackle): No.

1: Are you sure?

SW: Yes.

1 (warningly): Okay. (takes out red inflatable baseball bat and starts whacking scriptwriter back. Scriptwriter and 1 get into giant fight.)

D: Will you all please stop?

Everyone Else (stops whacking each other and look up): Why?

1: It's fun.

2: We enjoy it.

3: It causes chaos and mayhem and disorder. What could be better?

SW: Wanna join in?

D: That's okay. I think I'll pass.

3: Are you sure?

D: Yes.

1(dejectedly): Oh.

2 (shrugs): It's your loss.

SW: Let the fights resume!

(All the characters start whacking their partners.)

D: I didn't want to have to do this, but… (takes out pink inflatable baseball bat and whacks everyone really hard. Everyone rubs their heads and makes assorted noises of pain.)

Director (continues): That's better. Now, I said, STOP! (Everyone gets quiet and turns their attention to the Director.)

1: Why?

2: What do you want?

3: What do you have to say to us?

D: If you be quiet, I'll tell you.

SW: Okay. We'll be quiet. (others nod heads in agreement.)

D: We have to find out what that BOOM was.

1: You mean you don't know?

D: Nope.

2: Why not?

D: Because I don't. My contract says that I don't have to know.

1: Really?

D: Yup!

3: Cool!

D: Maybe the Script Writer knows.

1: I doubt it. She never knows anything.

D: True.

SW: Hey! It could be different this time!

2: Is it?

SW: Nope. I have no clue what that BOOM was. I think this is no longer up to us. I think we are being controlled by something.

3 (speculatively): Or someONE.

All: Hmmmm….

A Disembodied Voice: Bwahahaha! It took you this long to figure it out? I am the all-powerful ME. I control EVERYTHING that goes on in my mind. Bwahahaha!

1: You do? (pauses to think) Cool! I wanna be all-powerful!

ME: Well, that's just too bad isn't it? There can only be one all-powerful and that's me! Bwahahaha!

3: You like that "Bwahahaha" thing, don't you?

ME: It's my trademark.

3: Oh.

D: Do you know what that BOOM was?

ME: Of course.

SW: Then what was it?

ME: Are you sure you want to know?

1: Yes.

ME: Positive?

2: Positive?

ME: Are you absolutely, positively su…

3: YES! WE'RE SURE! JUST TELL US ALREADY!

ME: Okay, okay, calm down. I'll tell you. It was… are you…?

All: YES!

ME: My physical body changing positions.

All: Huh? I'm confused.

Me: I thought you would be.

All: Huh?