I'm horridly confused...My life a mess and my troubles stacked.
I've lost sight of myself..yet no one sees.
I hide behind the pretense of a smile, which by now people find normal about me and they outcast me if I frown.
As I've said, confusion strikes me often, yet I've noticed that it is usually when I am down, when my barriers are lowered with grief, pain, or anger, when death seems like a good option. The confusion makes me look around as if lost, looking for a way out and having no where to go.
Like now, when my love hurt me so by turning me away, when my friendship for another questioned, when a dear friend casts the feeling of helplessness deep within what soul I have. I am confused upon what to do...Do I obliterate the love I felt, regretting the depression and sorrow but moving on to a new love? It seems I have already done so.
I have forgotten the love I had, to regret it every time I talk to him, hear his voice, or look at his smiling face. But what have I gained? The 'love' from another? I question my friendship with him while he is away...He has said that he loves me, I've promised to wait...But I don't think I can, nor do I feel it right that I forget the love I had so quickly.
And my dear friend...what of him? He has told me so much of himself...We have talked for hours on end, and I feel so much for him that I wish he were in front of me so that I could comfort him...hold him...let him feel what he says he can't because of his past, the emotions he erased that keep me close. Yet I know I can't...There's too much distance.
I still don't know what to do.
And this is only love. What about life?
Life has confused me altogether, slamming me this way and that in its wave. Surely love is included in the description of life for select few. The life that has been put before me has turned dark...I don't know what I should do, professionally or just for a hobby. A cook, a writer, an artist, a dancer..a singer? All things I'm told I'm good at, yet I see no talent in myself. Isn't that what is supposed to be the point of it, to see a talent in yourself that you can work for? I see nothing.
And I don't think I can.
Confusion is hell.