May 26, 1996

Dear Joey,

My heart was broken today, not intentionally but by circumstance. For so long I had been holding out for as much hope as possible just to lift my spirits and bring back my heart from the grave. For the love of a brother I would have given anything just to undo this, anything to take his place, better yet; anything just to save him. Today I have seen the worst of men and I must fade into the background while I let this all pass on by. If only they all knew how much he truly meant maybe they’d actually understand why the grief never subsides. If man was born good then how can he become such a scorn in the sides of others? Man is given too much authority over life, over the lives of others. Man should have never been given the power to be able to kill his fellow being or the ability to haunt the world with the evil of his own ways.

The cloth would have me let this all go, give this over to God, but how could I with so much pain in me. None of this makes any sense at all. The shadow that has engulfed my spirit will not be gone that easily, forgiveness will not be so forthcoming. I gave what I could to the faith, my heart, my soul, my spirit and in return my heart has been crushed and I have been left with faith a little lacking. I’m left at a loss of my own spirit, fifteen years young, and a longing for something a little more to define this existence. I gave too much and in return I ended up with nothing in abundance.

Things will change, I already feel it, so much already has changed from the day I found out that everything was going to go downhill. Anthony, only twenty-two, was more of a friend than anyone could ever hope for, his friendship eternal, his endurance through so many troubled times amazed me. The generosity of him was astounding, he gave so much to everyone else and always worried what would happen if he were gone and we were all left here alone without him. He always wanted to make sure that those who mattered most to him would be safe and comfortable. He placed everyone else on such a high pedestal even though we did not deserve it, he gave as much of himself as possible and in the end the world took the best of him.

He was taken from this earth and I was left behind to despair, all of us were left here to despair and so we must take this full-heartedly: the pain, the suffering, the sadness; it is all ours to have. I went to his place today, he’s no longer home, nor will he ever be. He’s now gone at the most critical time of my life, who will teach me what our father would not? I’m in over my head by the grievance of bad circumstance; It’s not easy tonight...


Joseph Rodriguez-Nuñez