THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN WEENIE #2:

SAY CHEESE!

It was a rainy day as Paul Farley was walking towards school. He was deep in thought, they just reported another kidnapping and he was worried.
Something smell fishy here and it's not just my tuna and fluff sandwich, he thought.
Usually he had his sidekick Mike Lawrence to help him but Mike was on vacation in Latvia visiting his cousin, Linka.
By now you're probably wondering why a kid like Paul would care about kidnappings. Well I'll tell you why Paul isn't just any kid, he's a superhero, and no, not just any superhero, Paul is Captain Weenie, defender of justice fighter for freedom, and lover of horses.
Well maybe I'll just skip school and take a look around town, he thought.
"Oh wait, I can't, skipping school is wrong and I have to check for anymore disappearances at school", Paul said.
So Paul merrily skipped towards school.

Meanwhile deep in his mother's basement...
"Ha, the silly police are baffled, those fools, they're probably munching on their rock, hard cheese, well I'll get them, I'll get them all, ha, ha, ha, ha!" said a very crazy Eugene Pickenlook.
Eugene Pickenlook was obsessed with moist cheese, at first it was a simple, harmless, innocent fascination, but now he's just sick. The one thing, actually two things that Eugene hates- it's hard cheese and sunlight. So our friend Eugene just thought it would be such fun if he kidnapped anyone he saw eating hard cheese and then rid the world of darkness.
"Ah, soon my plan will be complete and there will be moist cheese everywhere!" Eugene said sinisterly.
"Gene honey don't you think it's time for you to come upstairs, you're always in that dark place", Eugene's mother, said.
"Nonsense woman! How many times have I told you not to call me Gene or Eugene, my name is (dah-tah-dah) The Moist Cheese Man!" Eugene cried.
"I'm sure you are dear, and when you're coming upstairs could you turn a light in here?"
"No you silly mortal fool!" Eugene said angrily.
"Bye Gene", his mother said.
"When I take over the world, she will be the first person that I get rid of", Eugene said.
Then after a couple more sinister laughs he went back to work.

Back at school...
"Hey Carlie, what's up?" Paul asked Carlie Hart, the richest girl in the world.
"Oh, hi Paul", Carlie said in an unusually glum voice.
"Hey, what's wrong with you?" he asked.
"You mean you didn't hear?" she asked.
"Hear what?"
"My friend, Kaci Frippery, was kidnapped yesterday, she was just eating lunch and then all of a sudden, she was gone", Carlie said.
"What did she have for lunch?" Paul asked.
"That's the dumbest question I've ever heard, my best friend gets kidnapped and all you care about is what she had for lunch!" she asks angrily.
"Well it might seem a little strange but it could help", Paul said.
"Well maybe you're right, I think it was cheese, yeah that's it. I remember that she was complaining, about how much she hated hard cheese and carrot sticks."
"Okay thanks Carlie", Paul said.
All of a sudden...
"Ahhhhhhhhh!" someone screamed.
"Oh no!" Carlie screamed, "Jackie Norwell's been kidnapped!"
When everybody heard Carlie there was pandemonium. Everyone was running thinking they'll be next on the list of kidnapped people. Through the midst of the crowd, Paul slipped away and hid in the broom closet.
"I think it's time for Captain Weenie to handle the situation", Paul said.
He stepped forward and said the special words that turned Paul Farley into Captain Weenie:
No more injustice
No more crime
Look out world
It's weenie time!
Captain Weenie zoomed out of the broom closet and quickly to the cafeteria where cops had already gathered.
"Oh Captain Weenie, you're here, good, maybe you can shed some light on the situation", said Commissioner McAllery.
"What's up commish?" Captain Weenie asked, as if he didn't know, "Another kidnapping?"
"Yes another at lunchtime in a school, in this school, this is the fourth one this week and it's only Wednesday", the commissioner said.
"Hmmm, mid if I take a look around?" CW asked.
"Sure, maybe you'll have more luck than we did."
Captain Weenie took a look around the table at which Jackie was sitting, he peered into her lunch bag, and there as bright as day was a bag of hard cheese sticks.
"Did you find anything Captain?" the commissioner asked.
"Maybe, the last person that was kidnapped was eating hard cheese too, could you look into all the kids that were kidnapped and find out what they had for lunch that day?" Captain Weenie asked.
"I'll try, me laddy, good luck to you now", the Irish commissioner said.
"See ya later, commissioner", Captain Weenie said.
Captain Weenie went back in the broom closet and changed back into Paul by simply saying:
Weenie off!

When Paul got home he found that his whole family was there, his father, Merv, his mother, Mervina, and his little sister, also called Mervina. His mom was cooking baklava and borscht, because Paul and his family were Greek. They were a nice humble Greek family.
"Hey mom, what's cooking?" Paul asked.
"Borscht and baklava", she said.
"Borscht and baklava, hoo-hoo!" Paul said excitedly.
"It's not for us, it's for the Greek Fest tomorrow", his mother said.
"Oh fudge, oh well, at least I can have some at the Greek fest."
"Well Mom, I can't have dinner here because I have to go do something important today, can I go?" he asked.
"Well okay", his mother said.
"Just be back by 5:00, your bedtime", his father said.
"I know, thanks dad."
Then Paul quickly headed out the door and through he woods until he got to a special spot-it was the place of his secret headquarters. To other people it looked like a regular hot dog stand but to Captain Weenie and Herb, it was the nerve center of Captain Weenie and Herb-their Hot Dog Headquarters. The only way to get in was to squeeze the right mustard bottle-if he only knew the right one. See if he squeezed the wrong one the alarm system would think he was an intruder and lunge him 50 feet into the air. He closed his eyes and carefully selected the one on the left and quickly jumped behind the bushes and watched with amazement as the door opened up.
"I did it! I did it myself and I didn't even need Herb's help!" he said jumping up and down and doing a jig.
He then stepped inside as the door closed behind him.

Here it was-the nerve center of Captain Weenie, this is where it all happened. He had access to every criminal hideout in Roquefort, this was where the Weenie Wagon and Weenie cycles were kept, and most importantly, it was where he kept his suits.
While looking for some tape for his glasses, the Weenie phone rang.
"Ahhh!" he screamed.
He then quickly regained himself and picked up the phone.
Hello, commissioner", he answered.
He knew that it was the commissioner because he was the only one that called him on that phone.
"Yes Captain, I had my boys do a run on what you asked and it seems that all the kids that were kidnapped all had hard cheese. What does that have to-?"
But CW was already off the phone and on the case, getting out his secret weapon, for he knew whom the culprit was.
"The evil Moist Cheese Man! That diabolical schemer will stop at nothing to rid the world of hard cheese. I remember him from my third case, he almost finished me off with his deadly cheez, but I managed to stop him. I guess history is about repeat itself."
He rushed into a room labeled CW Laboratories. This was where he had his secret weapon to find the Cheese Man. He opened a cabinet to find his answer-mice. Yes, half a dozen white mice who were all extremely hungry. Captain Weenie took a piece of moist cheese from his pocket and gave it to the mice to sniff and after the mice picked up the scent he hopped on his Weenie cycle.
"Come my rodent friends, lead me to the cheese and all of it is yours to eat! Go, go!" he shouted as the mice started to sniff their way towards the Cheese Man's hideout...

In the Moist Cheese Man's basement...
"Ha, ha, you fools though you could eat hard cheese and get away with it, well think again", the Moist Cheese Man said.
"Oh yeah, what are you going to do?!" Kaci Frippery, one of the kidnapped victims asked.
"Well", the Cheese Man said.
He clapped his hands and all the lights went off except for a spotlight on a large object covered by a sheet. Then all of a sudden a voice rang out.
"It's the Wheel of Moistness! Yes, that's right folks, it's the Wheel of Moistness, the show that let's you decide whether you live or die! It's simple, all I do is spin the wheel and if it lands on something good like moist, then you live, but if you land on hard-uh, oh!" said the Moist Cheese Man.
"Let's start with...you", he said pointing to Kaci.
"No!" she screamed.
But it was too late, he had already spun the wheel and it was spinning and gaining momentum and then eventually, losing momentum. All of a sudden something flew through he window and hit the stand the wheel was on which set the wheel spinning out of proportion. It was a Weenerang.
"No, my Wheel of Moistness, it's ruined!" the Moist Cheese Man exclaimed.
There he was standing like a guy wearing a hot dog suit because he was a guy wearing a hot dog suit.
"Yes, you're wheel is ruined and so is your evil plot to take over the cheese manufactures", Captain Weenie said pointing at the Cheese Man, "You're cream cheese schemes are over!"
"I don't think so, take a whiff of this!" the Moist Cheese man said as he pulled out a spray can and sprayed a familiar gas.
"Oh no!" CW gasped as he hit the floor, "Limburger!"
But a stop-drop-and roll technique was of no use, it had already filled the room with its odorous smell and EW and the hostages were coughing and gasping for air. The Moist Cheese Man kicked Captain Weenie in the stomach.
"You defeated me once and I won't let you do it again!" the Cheese Man said.
"You think a little cheese gas is going to stop me, then you're wrong!" CW said.
He got up and kicked the Moist Cheese Man in the back; the Cheese man stumbled back and fell. Captain Weenie rushed to him and pulled out his mustard gun.
"Now it ends, I'm taking care of business", he said.
"I don't think so", said the Moist Cheese Man.
He kicked CW down and put his foot on CW's neck to hold him there.
"No, now it ends", he said as he pulled out his cheez gun.
There was enough cheez in there to make 10,000 grilled-cheez sandwiches and it was about to be spread all over him. Captain Weenie had to think quickly, he had a few seconds and only one hope. He pulled out his last Weenerang and aimed for the window, he closed his eyes and hurled it. The Weenerang broke the window, bounced off the ledge, hit the wall, ricocheted off and then hit the door. The door opened with a click-it was where all the hard cheese was hidden.
"No!" the Moist Cheese Man exclaimed as the sunlight hit him.
He ran towards the door not realizing that was where he kept the hard cheese.
"No! Not hard cheese!"
The exposure to the sunlight and the hard cheese was too much for him, he fell to the floor whimpering, a broken shell of a Cheese Man.
Captain Weenie came over to him and put handcuffs on him.
Then, seeing that the danger was over, the hostages came out of their hiding place.
"Wow, that was horrible, you little wimp", Kaci Frippery said, "What took you so long to find us?"
"Sorry, but I had to rely on my furry friends to lead the way to the Moist Cheese Man's secret hideout", he explained as he pointed to the six mice who were greedily feasting on the treasure of hard cheese.
"Who cares, get us out of here", Jackie Norwell said.
"Well aren't we pushy, no, 'thanks Captain Weenie'; no, 'Congratulations Captain Weenie!' no-", CW was cut off by an angry Kaci
"If you don't get us out of here the next thing you'll be hearing is: 'When are you going to stop bleeding, Captain Weenie?'"
"Ok, okay", he said leading them towards a door.

Back at home, after the hostages were freed and safely returned, Paul Farley was reading the evening edition of the newspaper. It read:

CAPTAIN WEENIE SAVES FOUR IN MOIST CHEESE MISHAP

"Ah, another day, another headline", he said as he folded up the newspaper. Just then the phone rang and Paul almost fell over trying to pick up the phone.
"Hello, Farley residence, may I help you?" Paul said mechanically.
"Hey Paul, it's me, Mike. Guess where I am?"
"Uh Germany, Russia, Istanbul, Detroit, Wala-Wala, Washington; Eau Claire, Wisconsin; Ireland, Scotland, Denmark, Switzerland-"
"No you Greek geek, I'm here in Roquefort!" Mike retorted.
"No need to get ethnic on my, my commee comrade", Paul said.
"Whatever, I'll see you at school on Monday", Mike said.
"Sure, later", he said.

Mike was back, he had once again saved the world from the Moist Cheese man. Things will be back to normal in no time. Not only that but now that Mike's back, he'd never have to do his own work again.

…What happens when an evil mutant potato tries to take over the town of Roquefort by destroying the Ween's reputation? If you answered a fic filled with mass idiocy and stupidity, then you guessed right. I believe it was Nate Dogg who put it best when said, "Hope you're ready for the next episode. Hey, hey."