Author's Note-I have someone to thank for this story, a friend of mine who a few days back gave me a crazy suggestion, causing me to coin a very wierd name which became the err 'title' for one of the characters. I'll name the character after they are introduced. There is a *bleep* warining for pretty much the whole story, so if you're not the cussing type just insert your favorite substiute word. Now for your brain cell busting pleasure WORD UP!

WORD UP!-chapter 1: the necklace of many things.

Scott Newman had a perfectly fine life as far as he was concerned. He had a mother and her girlfriend for parents. A sister who really wasn't his sister (she was the daughter of his 'aunt'), but she was just as annoying as one expects one's older sister to be. He went to school, had the biggest idiot in the world for a friend a teacher with huge breasts and thighs and very tiny ankles and feet that most kids tended to call 'Thunder Tits'. Hey, everyone couldn't have a normal life, then life would be boring. The only irk-some thing to him in his life was his name. Since soon after his 'sister' and he were born, their mothers got very high and drunk. Somehow they thougth it would be cute to give their children Egyptian first names. His ended up being Ramses and his 'sister' was christened Cleopatra. Thank God for middle names, Scott was sane enough for him. It only sucked when there was a substitute teacher who didn't know his annoyedness at his first name.

Today instead of going to school, he, Cleo, Mom, and 'Aunt' Sara had to go down to the funeral parlor. Scott's great-aunt just recently died. And although she was still ticked off by his mom's choice of mates, she adored Scott. The reason they went down was to pick up something she left for Scott.

"Gee, I can't believe Aunt Molly just died like that," Scott's mom mused aloud.

"And just after we finally sent her the tape of the wedding," 'Aunt' Sara mused also.

"Y'know I think we accidently sent her that video we made of the wedding night."

"Oops," both women said in chorus following with a slew of giggles.

"Ah are you the Newman family," some guy that looked official said.

"Yeah," Scott nodded.

"I have the package for a Mister...Ramses Scott Newman."

If only I could go back in time and stop Mom from naming me Ramses, Scott thought completely ignoring the official looking person. The official looking person held a slim maroon box forward, it was bigger than a CD case, about the size of a binder. Scott took the box. "Thanks," he muttered.

"OOOOh open it, open it!" Cleo gushed.

"Chill out, it's his inheritance," 'Aunt' Sara shook her finger at Cleo.

"Dammit, I wish my geat-aunt would die!"

"You're not the only one," 'Aunt' Sara shook her head sadly.

"I'm not opening it now," Scott anounced once he realized that everyone present was staring at him like vultures waiting for a gazelle to die. There was a chorus of dissapointment sounds, even from the official looking guy. This only made Scott feel more like a piece of meat, so he started slinking away from them.

Mom, 'Aunt' Sara, and Cleo followed him back to the car. And on the way home Cleo nearly smothered him, hoping he would open the box in her general area. His mom and 'Aunt' Sara were considering whether they should take the kids to school, but seeing that they wanted to see what was in the box as bad as Cleo did they decided against it.

Once they got home, Scott dashed out of the car and up the drain pipe to his room. His 'mothers' and Cleo didn't expect that. "Son of a bitch," they swore in unison, while trying to simultaneously get to the door, open the door, and finally get in the door.

Phew, Scott thought. I made it past the vultures. Now lets take a look-see now. He lifted the top of the box. There was a thin film of gauzy-ish type paper there and a little note. Scott tossed both aside to reveal-a silver necklace with a huge silver vortex pendant. He lifted the chain, it slithered around his hands in a filmy way, very slick and smooth. "What the hell?" He mused aloud.

The vortex started glowing-OH MY! Something had to have gone wrong, was it a holy necklace or SOMETHING! The center of the vortex glowed bright platinum and spat out a rather large platinum shape that landed on his bed with a rather loud "DAMMIT!"

This scared the fuck out of Scott . The platinum shape melted to form a black man in baggy gangster type clothes, wearing a platinum chain with a cross, a HUGE diamond earing (at least it looked like a diamond), a pair of shoes that looked like they cost more money than Scott ever had in his life, and his hair was braided. This man sat up, adjusted his glasses, that looked kind of like shades. "Where the hell am I?" He asked looking around the room.

"What are you?" Scott said, once he recovered his fuck (which was about to barbewue itself on the light).

"What," the man squinted at Scott.

"What-are-you-where-do-you-come-from-What-the-fuck?" Scott said this like the black man was slow.

"Man, you better cut that shit out," he swatted at Scott. His voice sounded kinda funny, very airy and about half an octave above that of normal male speech.

"What are you?"

"I'm the Guardian Spirit of the Necklace of Many Blings, generic black man-man."

"Generic black man-man? Necklace of Many Blings?"

"Did I stutter!"

That was some crazy stuff. He never realized Great-Aunt Molly had a 'Necklace of Many Blings' with a 'Guardian Spirit' inside it. Guardian Spirit, it made him think of Aladdin, where the genie lived in the magic lamp, maybe that was what a Guardian Spirit was?

"So you're a genie?" Scott prayed he was so. The first wish was already being born in his mind.

"No, I'm a G-u-a-r-d-i-a-n S-p-i-r-i-t, Guardian Spirit. I don't do that Masta thang."

"So you're generic black man-man the guardian spirit. So is this the Necklace of whatever you called it?"

Generic black man-man muttered something that sounded like 'white people'. Then he took a verrrrry close look at the necklace that spawned him. "Oh he-ell NO! This is not the Necklace of Many Blings. The Necklace of Many Blings was well bling blingin'. This is some crazy voo-doo thing."

Scott remembered the note that was lying on the gauzy type paper. He retrieved the note and read it:

My dear nephew Scottie-This is my most valuable possesion, the Necklace of Many Things. It is very powerful, it can summon anything from anyplace in time, and bakes a hell of a good triple chocolate cookie. Remember this Scottie; unless you're prepared do not say 'what the hell' or 'Oh my God', but if you want it to make the cookies just say 'I call on those forces beyond me, swirls of power that could decapitate me, flows of emotion that can kill me. I call the on the power of the elements of earth, fire, water, and air to coupulate, ring forth thy magic and summon-the cookies!' You always liked those cookies so I decided to leave you the necklace since they were really it's creation and I can't even pronounce the word 'spatula'. Enjoy the cookies. Aunt Molly. P.S. you don't have to share them with your mother, she's had enough cookies already...

"Well fuck me!" Generic black man-man said suddenly. Causing the fuck to be scared out of Scott once again. Scott had to chase the little bugger around the room twice before he got the drop on it and secured it.

Damn, Scott thought, why didn't I just read the note first.

"That's ass, I was sucked out of the Necklace of Many Blings by some Necklace of Many Things?!" He turned to Scott and grabbed his shoulders. "Please, you've gotta help me find the Necklace of Many Blings. Since it's YOUR fault that I'm here in the first place!"

"NO! It's your fault for being whereever you were when the necklace did it's little clutchy thingie!" Scott didn't want any complications in his life, it was going by well enough for him.

Generic black man-man shook Scott quite violently. "Aaarggh, if you don't I'll turn you into a gerbil!"

"You will not! You can't just turn me into a gerbil because I won't help you find your dumb necklace!"

"You bet your ass I will!" Generic black man-man still shook Scott like he was a rag doll. Rattling all the marbles he had left.

"I'll bet you won't."

"I will if you don't assist me!"

"Well I'm not assisting you so, nyah!"

"Man, I'm giving you one last chance before you become the family pet."

"Bite Me!"

"Oh no bitch, now you've done it," he pressed the platinum cross into Scott's forhead. "Guardian Cross, shapeshift to gerbil!"

The cross glowed and in an instant, Scott went from middle-school kid to fuzzy brown gerbil. Generic black man-man caught him before he could go splat on the floor. "Now what rodent-boy?"

"Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!" The little gerbil Scott squeaked.

"Man, you are one stubborn ass bitch," Generic black man-man could speak the gerbil squeak langauge, which is why he turned Scott into a gerbil and not a frog or a cockroach.

"Squeak squeak squeak squeak!"

"You're a smart ass gerbil you know that. If I could use my Guardian skills to find the Necklace of Many Blings I woulda DONE it already!"

"Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!"

"No I'm not turning you back till you agree to help me. And if you pussy-foot outta here after I turn you back, I'll turn you into a cockroach for-ev-er."

Now being a gerbil was bad enough, but being a cockroach was ten hundred million billion times worse than being a gerbil. "Squeak squeak squeak squeak."

"No you're seeing things my way." Generic black man-man held the platinum cross at little gerbil Scott. "Guardian cross, undo polymorph!"

That canceled the gerbil spell and Scott turned back into a middle-school aged human. "Yeah, but with your uber magic I doubt you'll need me," Scott said smugly.

"Nope! From what I've heard the Necklace of Many Things is one of the most powerful trinkets of many excetra's. And since you have it you can use it's phenominal cosmic power."

"Phenominal cosmic power?"

"You need to get your ears checked. I said phenominal cosmic power, I mean like super-uber power shit, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"But Aunt Molly said it can only summon things and bake cookies."

"Boy! Are you gonna believe an old lady or a Guardian Spirit?"

"Speaking of Guardian Spirit. Don't you have a name besides the Guardian Spirit of the Necklace of whatever Generic black man-man?"

"Actually now that you mention it I do have a simpler name."

"Well what is it? Terrance? Demont? Mufasa?"

"Cut that shit out. My name is Patrick."

"Patrick? I thought you were generic black man-man? What kinda black man has the name Patrick, I mean MY name is blacker than yours."

"Try me."

"My first name's Ramses, but everyone just calls me by my middle name, Scott."

"I hate you. This is gonna be a friggin' blast."

There came a knocking at Scott's door. It seemed as though the rest of his family finally got up to his room. And they were keen on seeing the prize he got from Great-aunt Molly...

Afterword-ha ha, Patrick/Generic black man-man is based on my friend...Patrick who by giving me a completly off the wall suggestion (that I come to school dressed like your average teenage black male. Keep in mind that I'm an isane white girl here) that got me thinking. The Patrick in this story acts pretty much like my friend Patrick who is well insane. I'll post more chapters as I get reviews or when I get a crazy idea stuck in my head and can't keep it locked up ^^.